Because I Cannot Hurt You

Xiaosi quickly said, "Yunru I…T-that is not possible. Shuang hates me now. She cannot love me. There is some misunderstanding. It's seven years-"

"Don't you still love Caihong?" Yunru stared at him.

Xiaosi stiffened and he jerked his head in shock. "What?"

He smiled. "You rejected her for Caihong, didn't you? Shuang told me herself."

He took a sharp breath.

"Caihong doesn't love you, right? Because you snatched her away from brother-in-law. But can you say that you have stopped loving her?"

Xiaosi gritted his teeth. "There is nothing-"

Yunru shook his head. "It's okay, Xiaosi. I don't want to imply anything here. I am simply answering your questions. You wanted to know about her, right?"

Words failed to escape Xiaosi's lips. He wanted to say something. But what? He thought that Shuang moved on from him. But she was still…

And now it was hurting Yunru. He felt uncomfortable. Even though there was nothing between them, it was as if there was still something left behind. Because of him, Shuang wasn't able to move on, and the guy who really loved her was waiting for her for so long.

Why Shuang…

The fact that Shuang was stuck in her feelings for him made his heart ache. He cared for her as his friend. She was a great woman, and he felt guilty that he couldn't return her love. But he was helpless before his own heart that loved Caihong. At this point, Shuang was losing out her time with the man who is cherishing her the most right now. 

I am a scum Shuang. Why are you wasting your feelings and time for someone like me? 

No wonder Yunru was always so hostile towards him. It was the same emotion he sometimes felt towards Zhiyuan back in college. He adored him as his buddy. But the woman he loved, loved Zhiyuan. That was why, he couldn't help but get jealous of him at times.

He felt frustrated. He truly wanted to see Shuang happy, and he realized that Yunru was the perfect guy for her. Their personalities resembled a lot too. And with this conversation just now, he also came to know how much he cared for her.

"Why…" he hesitated, "Why aren't you confessing your feelings now?" Xiaosi asked.

Yunru stayed silent.

"I understand that you didn't want to burden her with your feelings at that time. But when things turned a bit better, why didn't you…"

"And when did things turn better, Xiaosi?"

He stiffened.

"Things had been better when I would have felt that she has truly forgotten you. I would have felt that she might be ready to give me a chance. But that time-"

"What fucking time!?" Xiaosi glowered at him. "After seven years, you are still fucking waiting for the right time!? Are you nuts?"

He froze and looked at him, stunned.

"Nothing is going to change if you don't do anything! If she is not ready to take the step forward, then you do it! Bring her out of it! If you want your relationship to be more than just sexual, then take the effort, damn it! Talk to her! Confess your feelings!"

Yunru burst into a self-deprecating laughter. "Confess? And then what? Break up the last thing that I have with her?"

Xiaosi was confused. "Why do you think that she won't accept you? What are you so afraid of?"

"Her rejection!"

A tear rolled down his cheek. His jaw clenched in sadness, frustration and pain. 

"You-"

"She... didn't feel jealous at all," his voice was an inaudible whisper.

Xiaosi blinked his eyes.

His lips slightly trembled. "Shuang didn't feel jealous at all that I…slept with Zizi."

His eyes widened. 

"It wasn't sexual. A situation took place and we happened to sleep on the same bed. You know, I was so nervous. I thought that Shuang might misunderstand me. I thought she might even fight with me. It isn't a small thing, after all, that your boyfriend was in bed with another woman, right? But...she smiled and said that she trusted me. I am supposed to feel happy right? That she believed me. But then, there was no discomfort. She didn't seem anxious. She wasn't jealous at all."

Xiaosi parted his lips to say something, but in the end, he couldn't.

"I-If she felt a little bit of something for me, then it would have affected her, right? Seeing me sleep with some other woman? Do you think confessing my feelings will change anything? In fact...she would just drift further apart from me. I will lose even the little bit of relationship I have with her. She doesn't want me as her lover."

"Heh. And it's easy for you to say! After all, she loves you so much. She might accept you even now if you chose to return her feelings. But I don't stand in that position as you. So don't tell me what I should do and what I shouldn't!"

"Then do you want to leave things as they are?" Xiaosi shot back. "For how long? It's been seven years. Do you want to waste another seven years doing nothing? And then another seven years again until you die!?"

Yunru looked away.

"I don't have anything to talk to you anymore. Just don't tell Shuang all this."

He turned, but Xiaosi grabbed his shoulder. "Don't waste anymore time, Yunru. Shuang won't leave you. She won't go anywhere. I don't believe that even after staying with you for seven years, she would feel nothing for you at all. About jealousy, she might be just too dense to realize it. She is a big idiot sometimes."

He felt his heart waver by his words. Unknowingly, it was giving him hope and he feared of having any of that.

He slowly shook off his hand and silently walked away. Xiaosi kept standing there alone for a long time. 

Yunru and Shuang…

Her feelings that were still strong for him…

Everything still felt as if he was dreaming. He leaned on the wall and pressed his brows. He didn't want Shuang to remain stuck on him any longer. She deserved her own happiness and it didn't lie with him.

"Shuang, don't ruin your life anymore. You got such a great man. I cannot let you do this, Shuang. We need to talk."