Because I Cannot Hurt You

The first thing he saw upon entering the room was Xinyi with her diary and not just that. She had opened the page where she had written about her feelings for him and disappointment filled him. Something pricked his heart.

That meant that seven years later too, Xinyi hadn't forgotten about that guy. She still thought about him. She still remembered him. 

Pain gripped him and he clenched his fingers into a fist.

Why am I so affected by this? I have no right to feel sad or disappointed, Zhiyuan said to himself as if consoling himself.

After all, Zhiyuan hadn't forgotten how he thought of Caihong these past years. He didn't think or feel in a sense of getting back together with her. That would betray Xinyi and their marriage and he would never do that.

But it was in the sense to know the truth. He just wanted to know the truth and that was linked to Caihong and Xiaosi.

If I didn't let go of my pursuit for truth, then I have no right to feel sad if Xinyi remembers him too. Maybe she still loves that guy. She couldn't forget him. Was that why that page was open?

And this happened right after last night when they accidentally kissed. They kissed and then the next morning, she was going through her diary to read the part where she loved some guy.

When Zhiyuan approached her as he entered the room, he saw how Xinyi was brushing her fingers through the page. He saw the expression in her eyes, the trance in her gaze and the soft but painful smile on her lips.

Maybe she really…didn't like the kiss that's why...

Zhiyuan laughed, despite an insurmountable pain surging in his heart. "I am just surprised. I or anybody else never knew of you having a crush on some guy."

Xinyi stiffened. She maintained her countenance as she looked at him. Even if he didn't see the name, she couldn't now deny the fact that she did like someone in college.

"Yeah...I mean that was in college. Ju-just a crush," she lowered her head and fiddled with her fingers.

"Who was he?" He asked in a daze. The question came out of his mouth even before he knew it. 

Xinyi slightly widened her eyes. She was panicking again. She averted her gaze left and right but couldn't think of any answer to give.

Zhiyuan suddenly realized what happened. He parted his lips to tell her to ignore his question and let it be. 

But he couldn't do it. The words didn't come out because he really wanted to know the man's identity and he thought…

Maybe just maybe...she will tell me herself.

Xinyi took a deep breath and just randomly took out a guy's name from her class that came to her mind first. "Q-Qin Fuhua."

Zhiyuan stiffened. He tried to recollect any man with the name Qin Fuhua. "Who is Qin Fuhua?"

Xinyi cleared her throat and clutched her dress in panic. "W-we were in the same class. But that is already in the past now. It was just a small crush though."

"O-Oh…" Zhiyuan looked away.

There was an awkward silence between them. Xinyi didn't want him asking more questions so she quickly said, "I will check if the breakfast is ready."

"En…" he knew she was evading the topic.

Xinyi locked the diary in her drawer and quickly left, leaving Zhiyuan alone in the room. He silently let out a breath as he closed his eyes.

---

Shuang woke up when she heard a knock at the door. She suddenly got up and looked left and right. As she saw the hotpot that had turned cold, she finally realized that she fell asleep.

That meant Yunru hadn't returned the entire night. She silently stared at the wall, expressionless.

She heard someone knocking again and she snapped out. 

Is it Yunru?

Shuang quickly opened the door, but to her disappointment, it was a postman. "Mam, a courier for you."

"Hm…"

She collected the packet and went back inside. She collapsed on the couch, now staring at the ceiling. She thought she would sort it out over their dinner together, but it failed. He hadn't even replied to her message.

"I know I made a mistake, Yunru. I am sorry that I hurt, you but that doesn't mean you stop talking to me. If we don't sort this out, we can never settle this. How long do you want to avoid me? Will you not let me even apologize now?" She was mumbling to herself.

But she didn't get any answer. She was all alone in the house. Her own question echoed in the room. Shuang gritted her teeth.

"Fine then. Suit yourself! Your bad that you missed such a great hotpot meal from yours truly. Now even if you beg, I won't make it again."

Shuang shut her eyes and tried to calm down. She bit her lower lip.

This was the first time that they had gotten into an argument like that. For seven years, things were smooth sailing between them. Even if Yunru knew about her feelings for Xiaosi, things never turned sour between them. 

"After all, it's just a casual relationship between us, isn't it?"

Shuang clearly remembered that night of the graduation party. After how Xiaosi begged her for help, she had been aimlessly walking down the street, lost in her pain. Her heart was ripped into pieces, knowing the task she had to do tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Xiaosi was going to marry Caihong and the last hope of anything possibly happening between them was going to disappear.

At that time, Yunru was the one who silently sat beside her on a bench in a deserted park and...

Shuang suddenly snapped out of that distant memory. She took a deep breath.

"Well if you are gonna avoid me like this then I will force you to look at me. If you won't meet me then I will come to meet you myself. Let's see how you avoid me at the police station!"