Back Then, I Adored You

Qin Zhi’ai had always been smart. When Gu Yusheng had first brought her to see the corpses of his comrades and told her about the things he had done in the army in the past, her heart had felt slightly uneasy. When he had told her that he had been called up by his former leader yesterday, she had instantly understood why he had mentioned those things earlier. He was using one of the most direct ways to let her understand his choice.

While she did not know what he was going to do, she knew through his words that his tasks were all a matter of life and death. Qin Zhi’ai stared at Gu Yusheng’s chiseled face and was unable to speak. Gu Yusheng patiently waited for her reply. They remained silent for a long time before Qin Zhi’ai finally said, “When are you leaving?”

She did not ask if it would be possible for him not to leave. Neither did she ask him why he had not discussed his decision with her before he had agreed to leave her behind. It was very clear to Gu Yusheng what her question meant: She did not stop him, and she understood him.

Yesterday, when his leader had brought up to him that he had hoped he would return, Gu Yusheng had hesitated. After he had left the army, he had muddled along for many years. Finally, he had found the girl whom he loves, and they have a child now. His days were finally peaceful and stable. Now that he had been asked to do something that would put his life at risk, he had been only human to hesitate.

But eventually, he had nodded his head and agreed. It had been so long since he left the army. If he had not been so indispensable back then, he would not have been summoned back urgently now.

After he had agreed, he had been put through a series of trials, and he had only been released at noon today. As he had driven through the neighborhood on his way home, he had been slightly afraid. He had been afraid that she would cry and refuse to let him leave. He had been afraid that she would not be able to withstand it in her state of pregnancy. He had been afraid that she would hurt herself and their unborn child. There had been many things that he had been afraid of.

He had not expected her, however, to agree so resolutely and without crying and protesting. Her sensibility now made his heart ache even more, and he felt worse than before. Guilt and self-reproach flooded his heart like tidal waves. He stared fixedly into her eyes and, after a long time, he finally spoke. Instead of answering her question, he asked, “Xiao’ai, don’t you feel resentful toward me?”

What was there to be resentful toward him about? To resent him for leaving me and our unborn child for the dangerous borders? To resent him for his hot-blooded nature, his burning heart, and his deep affection for the beautiful rivers and mountains?

In terms of selfish desires, nobody would want their loved ones to engage in dangerous activities; however, at times, there must always be someone who had to make the sacrifice.

Furthermore, it was when he had told her his zealous, exciting dreams about the mountains and rivers that night when she had still been young that she had truly fallen deeply in love with him. After so many years had passed, he was still the same person. If she resented him or begged him to stay, then she would not be respecting the person she loved.

Qin Zhi’ai shook her head at Gu Yusheng. “I’m not resentful. I’m merely a little upset.”

She’s really not resentful. She’s only slightly upset.

Gu Yusheng’s eyes almost turned red from her words. He reached out his arms and pulled Qin Zhi’ai into an embrace. He hugged her tightly for some time before replying to her earlier question, “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.”

Tomorrow morning? There’s so little time left…

Qin Zhi’ai could sense that Gu Yusheng’s mission was very urgent, but she did not expect that he would be leaving so soon. Her nose stung from their impending separation, and tears welled up in her eyes.