Chapter 44: #FORTY-FOUR

Nicholas’s POV

"I hate you."

The words rang inside my head the very second they left my mouth, reminding me of the severity of those words.

I froze immediately. For one brief moment, I couldn’t even believe I had been the one who said them.

Elijah looked just as stunned as I felt.

The anger that had been all over his face only seconds ago disappeared completely, replaced by something that twisted at my heart. Hurt. His lips parted slightly as though he wanted to say something, but no words came out. I had seen him angry countless times. I’d even seen him terrified when I nearly died the previous night, but I’d never seen him look... broken.

My chest tightened painfully.

Just a while ago, I had told him I loved him, but now — I had just switched up and told him I hated him with so much spite and conviction in my words. I wanted to take it back. I wanted to tell him I hadn’t meant it. But my pride refused to let the words come out.

Instead, I turned around and walked away.

"Nicholas." His voice stopped me for the briefest second before my feet continued moving again. "Nick, wait."

I kept walking without turning back.

The old staircase creaked beneath my hurried footsteps until I finally reached the street outside. My breathing had become uneven without me realizing it, but I couldn’t tell the exact cause of that. Was it because of the guilt I felt from what I said? Or something else?

Behind me, I heard his footsteps scraping against the path. He was following me. "Nicholas."

I didn’t answer.

He didn’t call my name again, neither did I acknowledge his presence as we walked back home and neither of us said another word.

Whenever I slowed down at a crossing, Elijah stopped a few steps behind me instead of standing beside me like he usually did. When I crossed the road, he’d wait until I was safely on the other side before following, keeping the same distance between us the entire time. It was close enough that I knew he was making sure I got home safely. But the distance he was keeping was enough to tell me he understood I didn’t want him near me.

That somehow made everything worse.

Several times, I almost turned around and nearly apologized and admitted that I hadn’t really hated him.

I hated what he’d done. I hated seeing Jayden struggling to breathe while someone questioned him like a criminal. I hated that everything seemed so confusing. But even more, I hated that I was unsure of who I could trust.

By the time the mansion gates came into view, the silence between us had become unbearable. I tightened my grip around my school bag and pushed the thoughts aside before reaching for the front door.

The moment I stepped inside, I stopped at the sight of someone. "...Mom?"

Standing in the middle of the living room, dressed in a cream-colored blouse and dark trousers, was the one person I hadn’t seen in what felt like forever.

She turned immediately. "Nicholas!"

Before I knew it, I had already crossed the room.

She barely had time to open her arms before I threw mine around her, hugging her so tightly that she laughed in surprise. "Oh my goodness," she chuckled, rubbing my hair affectionately. "Have you missed me that much?"

"You disappeared." I breathed in her neck, inhaling her scent sharply hoping it would calm me down.

"I did not. I’ve only been busy." She laughed, ruffling my hair slightly.

I let out a scoff. "For weeks."

She pulled back just enough to cup my face between both hands, smiling as she looked me over. "You’ve gotten thinner."

"Nope. I have not. You’re seeing things."

"You definitely have." She muttered, looking me over again.

When I didn’t reply, she sighed knowingly before pulling me into another hug, and I found my lips quivering into a small smile at the warmth wrapped around me.

"I’ve missed you," I admitted quietly, burying my face in her neck for a second.

"I’ve missed you too, sweetheart." She kissed my forehead before taking a proper look at me again. "So..." she began. "How’s school? Have you made any friends? Are your grades still as good as always?"

I laughed. "One question at a time."

She linked her arm through mine as we walked toward the couch. "I’ve waited weeks to ask all of them."

"School’s been alright." I shrugged.

"Hm? Just alright?"

I nodded. "No other way to describe it. The classes are difficult. But I’ve made... a few friends." My mind travelled back to Jayden and I felt guilt overwhelm me for the flash of a second, before I pushed it out of my mind.

"A few?"

"I don’t exactly talk to everyone." I smiled sheepishly.

"I know."

We both laughed.

Talking to her felt strangely normal. Like nothing bad had ever happened. Somehow I even felt like my life was no longer in potential danger. For a stupid second, I felt like telling her everything — about the hoodie, how it felt like I couldn’t even trust a lot of people. How it felt like I was no longer in control of my own life. But I didn’t do that.

"You’ve been smiling a lot more," she observed.

I snapped out of my thoughts. "Have I?"

She nodded. "Mhm."

"I guess—"

The front door opened again, and Elijah stepped inside. His eyes instinctively found mine before quickly looking away, the memory of what I’d said still lingering in the air between us. My smile faltered for just a second.

"Elijah," Mom called warmly as she stood from the couch. "You’re back already?"

"Good evening, Mom," he greeted politely, offering her a small smile despite the exhaustion on his face. "I didn’t know you were home."

"I only got back a little while ago." She walked over and straightened his slightly crooked tie the way only a mother would. "Have you been taking care of your brothers?"

He let out a quiet chuckle, nodding slightly. "Trying to."

"And Nicholas?"

For the briefest moment, his eyes met mine again before dropping away. "...I’m trying with him too."

Right.

Mom looked between us, clearly noticing the awkward silence that followed. "Did something happen at school?"

"Nothing serious," I answered a little too quickly.

Elijah nodded once in agreement. "Just a long day."

She didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t push either. "Well, don’t disappear upstairs immediately after getting home," she scolded lightly. "Come down for dinner later."

"I will." He nodded.

With one last glance in my direction, Elijah headed upstairs, leaving me standing there with a knot forming in my stomach.

As he reached the staircase, I almost called his name. Almost. Instead... I stayed silent as his footsteps gradually disappeared upstairs.

Mom looked at me curiously but chose not to ask.

"So," she said instead, leaning back against the couch. "I’m guessing you’ve been wondering where I’ve been all this time."

"I have." I turned my attention back to her, forcing my smile back onto my face.

"I’ve been helping Gareth."

My eyebrows lifted. "Helping him?"

"At the company." She nodded.

I blinked. "You work there now?"

"Not permanently." She laughed. "They’ve just been incredibly busy recently, and he needed someone he could trust with a few things."

I mulled over that for a while. "So that’s why you’ve barely been home."

She nodded apologetically. "I know I’ve neglected you. Oh goddess, I feel so terrible right now."

My lips pulled down slightly." Don’t worry, I’ll think about forgiving you." I joked.

She playfully nudged my shoulder. "You’ve become cheeky."

"Mum, I’ve always been cheeky."

Her laughter filled the room again and I felt a warm flutter in my chest at how familiar it felt.

"So..." she said after the laughter settled. "How are your suppressants?"

The question caught me completely off guard and my eyes widened slightly. "What?"

"Your supplies." She repeated, waiting for my answer.

My heartbeat skipped.

"You’ve been collecting them, right?" She was peering at me closely.

I forced myself not to hesitate. "Yeah." I croaked.

"They haven’t been giving you any trouble?" Her voice was low now, eyes watching me.

"No." I quickly shook my head.

She looked relieved. "You still have enough?"

"I do." The lies slipped out far more easily than they should have.

If she knew the truth, that my inhibitors had stopped working, that I’d spent days desperately trying to manage without them, and that everything had fallen apart...She’d blame herself.

I couldn’t let that happen.

She studied my face for several long seconds. "So everything’s alright?"

I opened my mouth and tried to find the perfect lie to say. Anything that would ease her worried mind. But nothing easily came to mind. Flashes of the stalker appeared in my head. The scent of the hoodie filled my senses. And the visual images of what just happened today seemed to mock me in my head.

’Go ahead, tell her.’ some part of my subconscious screamed and I tried to shut out that part.

My chest tightened.

"...Nicholas?" Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I blinked. Mom was still looking at me, her expression now more worried as I had hesitated to answer.

I forced a smile onto my face. "I’m fine."

She didn’t speak.

"I’m really okay." I assured her.

The worry in her eyes remained, but after another moment, she simply smiled back and reached over to squeeze my hand. "I’m glad."

I smiled again, but this one felt even more fake than the first.

Because how did I tell my mum that I had forgotten how ’fine’ felt like?