Will of chaos

My sister and I walked back to the mansion shortly after leaving, and the whole way she looked at me like I was some kind of idiot.

I understood why she was angry, they know who she is, maybe he always had that certainty about her, that confidence.

Maybe it’s normal for someone to accept who they are easily, even in my group there are people like that, with that confidence and absolute certainty about themselves, many of them are like Kira, érica, Ibuki, Diana, Hela, Vanessa, Lilith, etc.

Now that I stop to think about it, I think they are all like that, each one of them always knew who they are, even those who were lost in the beginning, I helped them to get back to their ways as it was with Kira in the past.

“How can I try to help others if I don’t follow my own advice!” (I)

I was at the top of the mansion, I was looking down at my hand that had been shaking since I talked to my sister earlier.

When we got back to the mansion I came straight here, I wanted some time alone to think, the others know that when I go to the roof I want to be alone with my thoughts, even the Fairies and Spirits are a little away from me in those moments.

“Why is it so hard?” (I)

I have several skills or techniques that create Leech forms, I never cared about it, I never thought much about it.

“But when I remember those early days…” (I)

Those first days where I struggled to survive 1 more day, I fought monsters stronger than me to survive, always afraid that the next fight would be the last, always afraid of falling into a trap like I did with the monsters I killed.

“I got it… now I get it…” (I)

Sigh

Reliving those memories with her words still ringing in my ears, I understood.

I’m afraid not to lose my humanity, I’m sure there isn’t much left of it anyway.

What I’m afraid of is that feeling, that mix of emotions that ate me up inside, it was at that time my mind broke, that first day when I decided to devour that first Leech.

I’m afraid to go back to those days, I remember when I thought of evolution, I first thought of a humanoid body, I was so happy when I evolved into a Goblin, I felt comfortable finally having the feeling of having arms and legs again.

“This time it’s different, I’m different, my sister is right, I’ve seen Silvia and Nix change between their two forms several times, there’s no reason for me to be different.” (I)

I look at my hand again, I was still afraid, and my hand was still shaking, but I felt that some weight had gone from my chest.

Sigh

“This fear may never go away… but at least now I know it’s there…” (I)

I spent the rest of the afternoon on top of the roof, reflecting on the True Dragons I already knew and the various types of Dragons I read about in books.

After understanding where this trauma came from, soon a second concern came, what would I look like if I were a Dragon?

Images of a cross between Leech and Dragon kept popping into my head, each image popping into my mind more grotesque than the last.

“It’s no use trying to guess…” (I)

Sigh

“My head hurts from thinking so much.” (I)

I spend a few minutes lying on the roof looking at the stars, I know that these are not real stars, they are just representations created by the Dungeon, but they are still very beautiful.

“Mother…” (I)

One thing my sister said was why she doesn’t treat the Goddess Selene like a mother, the reason for that is much simpler and I always knew the answer.

I don’t think I’m special, at least I don’t want to be.

As an orphan who always had a weak and sick body, I always had the same wish, I always wanted to be normal, to have a normal family, a normal body, a normal home, normal health, and normal problems.

After I moved to the city of Valen I tried to adapt to the normality of this world, but at that time my own mind was no longer normal after everything I had done.

“It doesn’t matter what I think or say, I can’t change who I am and even if I could I wouldn’t change a thing.” (I) 𝓫𝓭𝓸𝓋𝓁．𝓬𝓸𝓂

I know that being a child of a Goddess comes with dangers and responsibilities that I may ignore, but what I am immensely grateful for is all the attention that the Goddess Selene has given me.

She found me at every evolution, he gave me powers, helped me merge lineages, taught me many things, and always supported me.

She is not the image of a mother I had in my mind as a child, but she was still a good mother to me.

“Not doing it from the beginning was disrespectful of me for everything she did for me…” (I)

Unlike the other problem, this one was easier for me to accept since it was my choice, I just needed some thought to admit that I would never fit into the normal that I once imagined, I have to stop denying reality about every little thing, I am who I am, my mother is who she is, I have to stop running around in circles like an idiot.

————-

That night I slept on the roof and when I woke up the next day my mind was clear, my body was light and I felt great.

I haven’t felt so good in a long time, so light as if a weight had been lifted from me.

The next day, back on the training floor with my sister.

“Looks like my little brother still has some salvation left.” (Natasha)

“You were right, I just needed some time to get my head together.” (I)

“That’s your biggest problem, you think too much, you sound like our big sister.” (Natasha)

“Just take it as it is you, idiot, you’re special, not unique, being special doesn’t mean a sea of beer, it means we’re easy targets to target.” (Natasha)

“Everything that sticks out is a target, we’re no different, plus our mother pisses off a lot of people.” (Natasha)

After chatting for a few minutes with my sister it was time to start training, she seems to want to start with a warm-up, she wants to warm her fists on her face by the way she is laughing.

“(I think tomorrow I’m going to get out of this Dungeon, stay away from that violent person.)” (I)

Even with complaining in my mind, I still braced myself for this few minutes confrontation with my sister.