Will of chaos

Pov Hana:

After he left, I was left alone, still reliving the memories of my last moments. I could see so much anger and hatred in my eyes.

I remember those emotions; there was no sadness or fear. I was never religious, and I didn’t think for a second if there would be anything after death. For me, it would just be disappearing, and that alone was more than enough for someone like me.

I always knew I was a bad person, the worst kind of person, the symbol of what all criminals fear. I reigned over an empire of terror built on a cruel arrogance I hadn’t possessed in a long time.

I never tried to change for one simple reason: I couldn’t. It was my way of being. I couldn’t pretend to be something else. I couldn’t hold back that cruelty inside me; it was my truth, my true self.

It would be impossible to pretend to be what I never was; instincts are too strong, and I’ve always been a cruel woman by nature. It would be impossible for someone like me to live stably in society. Being a criminal was the best path, and even then, I was never happy after losing him.

“A shitty life, a disgusting woman… I deserved all of this… but he didn’t deserve it…” (me)

I wave my hand. Now that I’m alone and can travel through my memories, I need to see him. I can’t hold back this desire, I can’t deny this urge.

The world around me changes again. This time I was seeing a younger version of myself, around my early twenties. I was in an office room hidden in the basement of a building.

A woman enters the room trembling. She was a middle-aged woman of ordinary appearance. She left a cassette tape before leaving. After that, my younger version used the tape to watch the recordings the woman made. It was a kindergarten, showing children playing.

I watched that tape several times a day back then, but this was the first time I sought him out. I couldn’t ignore him for long; after five years, it became unbearable.

I needed to know that at least he was okay, I needed to at least know he was healthy, to see what he looked like.

The video, which wasn’t of the best quality back then, showed several children playing, but one of them was sitting alone reading a book. His body was thin and his face was pale.

“Knowing that I couldn’t even give him a healthy life was awful. My anger towards myself made things get worse very quickly.” (me)

“I attacked one of my enemies that same night. I was at the forefront of the attack and killed more than six of his subordinates before strangling him with my own hands. My men had to pull me off the corpse, which wouldn’t stop mutilating.” (me)

Sigh

“Even with the element of surprise, I lost half of my subordinates, but I managed to relieve my anger.” (Me)

I waved again, this time older, in my fifties, watching television where a news report brought tears to my eyes. It was a report about him being transported in an ambulance; someone famous like him being rushed to the hospital became viral news on the internet.

“He never left the hospital after that…” (Me)

I waved again, appearing at that old woman’s house. The house was empty, but it didn’t matter; this was the place where I felt most comfortable. I only realized how much that old woman was the closest thing to a real family when I got old.

She might have been very religious, but she proved to be right in the end. She tried so hard to train me from crime; she never accepted my dirty money, and she even took care of me when I showed up at her door with a gunshot wound.

A good woman with a sharp tongue, she always told me that when I became a mother I would regret my crimes. She tried to warn me so many times and I didn’t listen to her, but she was right even about that.

I could never again harm a child, I could never see a child struggling without extending my hand to help, which led them to crime as my subordinates. I always saw the shadow of my son in them.

“I had everything I ever wanted… but I lost what I needed more than anything else…” (me)

Tears

Regret and guilt are worthless now. The thought of having him in my arms crossed my mind so many times, but I always thought he was better off away from me, I thought I was doing this for him.

“Lies, I kept him away for my own sake…” (me)

Tears

I was afraid of how he would look at a criminal like me, I was afraid of the words he might say to me, I was afraid that by opening my heart to him I might receive his hatred.

I loved him so much, but I did nothing for him, I wasn’t there to dry his tears when he was sad, I wasn’t there to take care of him when he was sick, and I wasn’t there for a hug when he needed comfort. I may have given him life, but I wasn’t a mother, I don’t deserve to be called that.

“But even so, I still want… I want to hold him in my arms, even if it’s just once… my boy… my son…” (me)

Tears Tears

Tears

———————-

Pov Zenos:

I couldn’t hold back anymore, my emotions were in turmoil. I needed to know more, and I was afraid she was lying, so I disappeared from her senses and just left her to her own devices while I listened to her thoughts, but that only made my emotions even more agitated.

“!!!” (me)

I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I couldn’t let these emotions get out of control anymore, I couldn’t be near her anymore.

I open my eyes and close the coffin where her soul was. Her soul was crying and trembling, but that only enraged me even more.

I walked outside, my mind and emotions were in total chaos, my energy was destabilized within me, I couldn’t even control my Divinity.

My vision was blurring, my soul seemed to be losing its form, the concept within me was moving on its own, I couldn’t understand anything, I didn’t want to understand anything.

“Zenos…” (Freya)

“Don’t come near!” (Lena)

“Cortana, do it now!” (Lena)

“< Tomb of Origin Technique: Universal Coffin >” (Cortana)

The world closed in around me, stars appeared while an arid land surrounded me, none of that mattered, the hand I used to hold my face grew while my claws became sharper, scales covered my body which grew ever larger, the power of Chaos within me was pulsing as if it were about to explode.

“AAAHHH!!!” (me)

I couldn’t understand what I was feeling, thinking, or even control myself, my body grew, changed, and a wild instinct surged from the depths of my being as if something primal was awakening.

I moved aimlessly, my claws pierced the sandy deserts, my wings collided with the gray-tinged skies, my body shattered with blood flowing like rivers, the reality around me burned while my Will held on to its limit.

It was as if I were in the eye of a storm, held alive by a single hair, but the test would be my body, mind, and soul, while the hair was my will, ensuring my confused consciousness.

The sensation of time or space did not exist.

I destroyed, just because…

I ran, just because…

I flew, just because…

I was nothing more than a beast, but in my wake destruction and creation were created; from my shadow the desert generated a world, from this world my Will arose as if awakening from a long sleep.

Everything returned to one, my emotions calmed, my mind cleared, and my soul transformed as all my energy converged into a single state.

I open my eyes and see my Dragon form, now small, a body not very different from my normal humanoid body, a raw and ancient power flowing through me while from my instincts arises an understanding that my mind would not be able to comprehend, but which I now feel.

“< RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!! >” (me)

A roar surged from within me, not emanating from my jaws, but rather from my very presence.

Around me were mountains made of water, valleys of sand, and in the skies, clouds of fire, while the stars formed constellations in the shape of trees.

I looked at my hands as I understood what had changed; all the separate powers within me, united in a single cycle, had merged into a core, a heart that pulses with the Concept of Chaos. The once ethereal cycle became both physical and ethereal, becoming my own veins and an eternal part of my own existence.

Soon I was pulled outside where I found Urd, Freya, Lena, and Cortana looking at me. We were in the Star Palace, and beside them was a human form with a dragon’s head that seemed to have been molded from a universe. I knew instantly it was Tarzor.

“Welcome back, Zenos.” (Lena)

“What happened to me?” (Me)

“You understood the state of Chaos.” (Cortana)

“A Concept is too ethereal to be fully understood, so it separates into many parts that vary for each Concept.” (Freya)

“For you, it was the origin you took as a transformation, then it was the energy of Chaos that generated your Starfire, and after that you united the two, giving birth to your incomplete Concept.” (Lena)

“But now, you have reached the state of Chaos with your mind, you felt it and became part of Chaos, your Concept has become complete and partially awakened.” (Lena)

“How long have I…” (Me)

“5 days, I had to seal you away, letting your power nourish Tarzor, or it would have been dangerous.” (Cortana)

“The others don’t know this yet, they are clearing what’s left of the forces of Hatred.” (Urd)

“…” (me)

“I don’t feel like an Entity.” (me)

“You haven’t become one yet, you’re in an intermediate state, probably because of Paradox. When she wakes up, you will completely transcend.” (Lena)

“…” (me)

I felt something was missing, so I was the one speaking. I was in a controlled state, so I needed something to destabilize me.

“Thank you…” (me)