Will of chaos

Author: Chapter corrected (again).

********************

“It can’t be…!” (me)

“Look, a family reunion after 2 lifetimes, aren’t you happy to see the woman who abandoned you~?” (Callidora)

“Say hello to Mom!~~…” (Callidora)

I look at the woman inside the coffin, actually the soul inside the coffin. She was young, at most around 30 years old. It was impossible for her to be my mother; she was too young, unless she died around the same time as my birth or youth.

I look at the woman. Her appearance was simple, but still, the lines of her face were well-defined. Her long white hair floated inside the coffin while her eyes remained closed.

I gather my aura and for the next few minutes I embody the woman’s face. Many past situations flash through my mind: the times I was proud of my mother in the orphanage, the times the school held celebrations and events and also had to complain about me to my guardians, yet only Father Mario or Sister Anna ever showed up.

I think of the many women who allowed themselves to be called mothers every time I was adopted, the times I was sick, or when I went to live alone as an adult—many situations passed through my head.

This woman wasn’t present in anything, she wasn’t part of my life at any point. I never saw her face, never heard of her, I don’t even know her name. There’s no way to erase everything that happened.

“(Should I destroy this coffin and crush her head like a watermelon…?)” (me)

Sigh

“…” (me)

“(Maybe it’s less bad to return her to Callidora…)” (me)

I didn’t know if I should feel anything being near her. I thought a lot about her during my childhood in my previous life, but I didn’t know if I should blame her for everything; that would be all I wanted.

I don’t know if I should feel anger, hatred, sadness, depression, or even just give in to the confusion of everything happening so fast.

“(Should I hand her over to Reincarnation to do the rest by sending her to her Reincarnation Circle…?)” (me)

It never even crossed my mind whether I should keep this Soul. I didn’t want to be with her, I didn’t want anything from her.

“(I could simply accept it and give it to another God, preferably one that isn’t connected to me.)” (me)

Hey, I didn’t want this Soul. I’m no longer that sick man who only thought about games and couldn’t even get out of bed. I left any thoughts about this woman behind long before I died in my past life, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven her.

“Why are you giving me this Soul?” (me)

“Because you value family. This is the only family I can grant you. The Fetus of Rancor is a bonus since your ability to use it may be null.” (Callidora)

“What do you want from me? What do you hope to achieve with this?” (Me)

“Planting goodwill and sincerity, that’s all.” (Callidora)

“I’m sorry if I don’t believe that.” (Me)

“I know you won’t believe it, but when you finally can’t think of another possibility, you won’t be able to deny the facts.” (Callidora)

“You’re right, I’m manipulating you, I’m seeking your goodwill and our reconciliation.” (Callidora)

“The moment you decided to listen to me and receive the gifts, I already achieved my goal.” (Callidora)

“Now that it’s over, leave me alone…” (Me)

“With pleasure…” (Callidora)

Callidora gets up smiling. I’d like to think she’s lying, but she doesn’t need to. As she said, not all manipulation needs to be hidden. In fact, the worst kind of manipulation is the one you can’t avoid falling for.

“Callidora, don’t forget to return Niryna’s body!” (me)

“I’ll do it right away, don’t worry~~.” (Callidora)

I watch her leave, swaying her hips as if she could seduce me, which she’ll never achieve using my own daughter’s body. Even so, I’m glad she’s finally gone.

I throw myself back on the ground. The tropical climate in this oasis was pleasant, but the wind was still very dry. The sun, with a ring high above it, was strange. Even after so many years living this new life, some things as common as these still surprise me.

I sigh.

“I can’t ignore this…” (me)

I stood up. My head still ached, and I felt a strange sensation inside me. My soul was somewhat weakened.

I ignore my state and go to the two gifts, not even looking at the Fetus of Hatred; I could sense it wasn’t a complete Concept. I passed by this item, simply waving my hand to retrieve it into my Shadow.

Then I reached the coffin, looking down with a mixture of old feelings I wished were still present.

I can’t deny that I still harbor anger and sadness within me. I’ve carried this anger since my childhood in a previous life. Letting go isn’t the same as resolving these emotions. I hate this woman, but at the same time, she’s only mortal; I overcame that a long time ago.

“It’s not in my nature to do nothing.” (me)

I pick up the coffin and throw it into my shadow where it will remain for some time. I open my wings and fly in a specific direction, leaving Tarzor and returning to the temple of Urd.

I will seek out my true mother, the Goddess Selene. I went to her, who was sitting drinking tea in one of the floating rooms of the Temple of Urd. I explained to her the ‘gifts’ Callidora gave me while I removed that coffin from my shadow.

“How do you feel?” (Selene)

“About what, exactly?” (me)

“How do you feel about this Soul?” (Selene)

“Anger and sadness, not from now, remnants of my childhood in a previous life, but they are still there.” (me)

“What do you feel now, for this mother who abandoned you?” (Selene)

“I… I don’t know, I never thought about her for decades before I even died, even less so after I was reborn.” (me)

“She simply wasn’t worth thinking about. Besides abandoning me, I know nothing about her, not even her name, so why would I think about her?” (Me)

Selene stood up, questioning me as she circled the coffin. She was calm, analyzing Alma while listening to my answers.

“You’re lying. The question is… are you lying to me or are you lying to yourself?” (Selene)

“What do you mean…?” (Me)

“You’re curious by nature, something you’ve demonstrated countless times. You created inconceivable feats simply out of curiosity, like creating a living Dungeon using your Familiar Nix, or how you mixed Bloodlines to create new creatures.” (Selene)

“You did many things out of pure curiosity, and I was always watching. This kind of behavior wasn’t something you learned in this life.” (Selene)

“Then tell me… did you never want to know why she abandoned you in an orphanage?” (Selene)

“…” (me)

I suddenly didn’t know how to respond, it was like someone had slapped me in the face. I was trying to avoid thinking about these things, I know that, but even so, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to dwell on what I’ve already left behind, I don’t want to wallow in that mud again.

“In my previous life, I spent the first 15 or 16 years of my life wanting to know why she didn’t want me…” (me)

“I cried more times than I can count because of this, I had many nightmares with her giving horrible reasons for abandoning me.” (me)

“In the beginning, when I walked down the street, I would even look among the crowd of people as if I could find her in the middle of the street.” (me)

“But then, I grew up and realized that none of that mattered. She was the first to abandon me, but not the last. It wasn’t the abandonment that hurt the most either, since I never even knew her.” (me)

“Don’t you want to know the reason for being abandoned anymore?” (Selene)

“It wouldn’t change anything, it would just be any old excuse.” (me)

“My old world didn’t have magic, spirits, monsters, and I’m not sure if there were Gods or not. Power was measured by political connections and money only.” (me)

“There were many stories of mothers who raised their children alone, some working two or three jobs, some even resorting to prostitution.” (Me)

“There are also several government programs to help, not to mention that even women with mental health issues or criminals would at least leave their children with family, but she didn’t even sign my birth certificate or leave any memento of herself behind.” (Me)

“There aren’t enough reasons to justify what she did and how she did it; it was cowardice mixed with selfishness.” (Me)

“It seems you already have a formed opinion of your mother.” (Selene)

“Mother…?” (Me)

“She’s not worthy of that word; you’re the only mother I have.” (Me)

“I may no longer be stuck in the past, but that doesn’t mean I’m capable of forgiving her.” (Me)

“Then destroy her soul. Why do you hesitate so much to come to me?” (Selene)

She smiles at me as she speaks, I have no way to argue, I don’t know how to act, I tell myself I won’t forgive her, but I also don’t know what to do with her.

“(Mom…?)” (me)

“(She doesn’t deserve that word…)” (me)