Chapter 111: Feelings are complicated (and not just for Squirt)

To Squirt’s surprise, the pest didn’t leave the office.

He could have. There was nothing stopping him when it was clear twenty minutes in that he’d entirely lost the thread of conversation and was fighting boredom. But then their eyes would meet, and his shoulders would relax once more, seeming to soak up even the smallest glance. She’d look away, and his efforts would renew as he once again tried and failed to pay attention.

There was petty satisfaction in her at seeing his eyes repeatedly go glassy with disinterest no matter how hard he tried.

Finally. Something useful that he sucked at.

After the second hour, they were satisfied with the agreement, and Telos headed out to begin drawing out the actual plans the ritual spell would use to enact it.

Squirt once again pretended to not notice the awkward tension between Telos and Tobias. The two were, for all intents and purposes, friendly. It was just that each of them avoided looking at the other for longer than a second, and each time they did, their expressions were carefully guarded.

Exhaustion hit once the door shut behind Telos, the heavy healing that had been laid on Squirt earlier rearing its ugly head once more as she rubbed her eyes.

A hand landed on her head, drawing her eyes to Tobias as he shifted himself down to be at her level. Tobias gave her a gentle smile. “You need a night off. You’ve been working yourself to the bone all week.”

She considered it.

Beyond the one hostler, none of her other people had been captured or taken. They were better cared for than they had ever been in the Capital, and after a week of her holding their hands through every little task, they were trained up as well now as they’d ever be. She couldn’t mother them indefinitely.

But neither was she comfortable going out on a hunt just yet.

She needed to be close by, in case…

Hundreds of worst-case scenarios popped into her head, even if she knew how farfetched some of them were. Leaving now would mean that she would turn right back around for them at the first opportunity, which wasn’t conducive to a night off. Neither was sleeping in the stable when they were all so close at hand, they rarely left her mind.

At a loss, she studied Tobias, noting that he looked like he had a plan.

He jumped at the chance with an eager grin. “Go to the den for a nap, and then, let’s have a pack night.”

“A pack night?”

“Yeah. I can’t come to the castle all the time,” he muttered something darkly under his breath that she didn’t quite catch beyond “stupid fucking goliath.”

Then his grin returned and he continued brightly. “So, let’s take advantage of it. You. Me. Kenna. That doofus over there.” He jerked his thumb back at Lord Everwinter, who raised an amused eyebrow. “Both of you have been working way too hard, and besides, I miss cuddling with my littlest sister.”

The offer was oddly… tempting.

She dropped her eyes as she considered it.

Qzi would be in the infirmary all night, wouldn’t he?

Sleeping without Qzi was one thing. But even now, flashes of his bloodied and broken form threatened her tired mind with nightmares.

More for the pile, she supposed.

Forgetting about it all for an evening with the wolves…

Her eyes lifted to the pest’s, and he stiffened before smiling confidently, his shoulders straightened with a touch of bravado. “I’ll keep them safe.” Then he paused. “And if anything happens, I’ll have Pakos call you.”

The last bit of resistance fell as she realized, well and truly, that she trusted him.

Even if he was stupid. And stupid pretty. And stupid capable—

“Fine.”

Tobias punched the air. “Yes! Then off you go to the den for a nap—"

“After I stop by the quartermaster.”

“What do you need with Quint?”

“I’m checking in on a friend I left in her care.” It had been too long since she checked in on Puds. She told herself it was because she was too busy looking after everyone else. She wasn’t. She could have come up with any number of excuses to seek out Puds. Plenty of opportunities to go to the quartermaster had cropped up, but she had always managed to reason herself into sending someone else.

Since, of course, she’d been busy. With tasks that needed her attention and no one else’s.

Sure.

Avoidance? Psh. Never.

Tobias put his hands on his heart, a playfully wounded look on his face. “A friend? Who isn’t me?”

“Shut up.”

Tobias grinned. “Fine. I’ll meet you in the den after? We have a lot to catch up on.”

She nodded, then bowed to the lord politely, her eyes lowered and missing the smallest flash of disappointment in his eyes at the emotional distance. With a scowl at the pest, she trotted out of the room, him following just behind her.

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***

The door shut, leaving just Tobias and Bartos in the room.

Tobias crossed his arms. “What’s got the prince looking so mopey?”

Bartos sighed, taking a heavy seat in his chair.

Tobias raised an eyebrow, turning to lean against the desk. “Scratch that, what has you looking so mopey?”

Bartos opened his mouth and then abruptly closed it, glancing away to gather his thoughts. Finally, he landed on, “Sometimes I feel the distance between fey too keenly.”

Tobias raised a brow.

Bartos grimaced, trying again, leaning forward on the desk to straighten his supplies. “… she is very good at shutting others out.”

Dryly, Tobias retorted. “She told you to your face that she trusts you.”

Bartos’s lips twitched briefly. “Yes. She trusts me as a ruler and leader, but not as pack.”

“I beg to differ.”

Bartos shook his head, his gaze dropping. “No, I… I have been selfish. She deserves the same distance that everyone does.”

Tobias’s teasing voice took on a slightly bitter edge. “The same distance Kenna and I get, too?”

Bartos paused, lifting his eyes to his longtime companion to study him, really study him. There was a tease in the way he smiled, and happiness in the light of his eyes, yes. But buried underneath it all was the same pain that he had glimpsed in Kenna just yesterday.

Sitting back in his chair, he said quietly, “I never want to take away your choices.”

Tobias shifted, banishing the pain Bartos had glimpsed with a teasing, friendly smile. “We made our choice, stupid. Now we just have to get Braveheart to realize you’re as good of a friend as you are a lord. Besides. You need a night off of ruling.”

“I heard.”

“Come on, Lumin. When’s the last time we had a pack night that wasn’t a response to some emergency?”

Bartos raised a brow. “And this isn’t?”

“Well… no.”

Chuckling, resigned to the clear deflection, Bartos leaned forward on the desk and asked, “What do you propose?”

Tobias gained a conspiratorial gleam in his eyes as he leaned over the desk. “You’ve done it before. You just need to talk to her without trying to fix whatever problems you see. Leave your coat at the door for a night. Tonight should be pretty quiet since everyone will be tired from the festivities yesterday—so, let’s have a pack night.”

Bartos looked unsure, wondering if he would just be intruding on their space. Wondering back again to his letter and how he was likely more of a burdensome friend than what she needed.

Tobias rolled his eyes, turning to put his hands on the desk, leaning forward to stare sternly into Bartos’s eyes. “Stop that.”

Bartos shifted back just slightly. “Stop what?”

Tobias’s eyebrow twitched, and he shifted to lean into his hands on the desk over Bartos. “Stop thinking about what other fey want for ten minutes. What do you want, lumin?”

For a long time, Bartos didn’t answer, holding Tobias’s gaze, a tension between them they both misinterpreted as one-sided.

The moment was broken as Bartos’s attention turned inward, thinking over what he wanted. It was rare that he allowed his own thoughts and desires to take center stage, and he was so poorly practiced, he found himself unsure of what his desires even were. Desires of the flesh were one of the few that he had some experience in imbibing, but this was… murkier.

In a way… he supposed it was similar to his desire for his pack mates. A desire he had sated with their emotional closeness, their pack bond. It was only recently, after that night with Kenna, that he realized he wanted more than just to have them nearby. What that was, he was still unsure. He’d not allowed himself the freedom to truly process it, too afraid of forcing his selfish desires on others.

Here, a similar fear rose with thoughts of forest-green eyes.

But there had been a glimpse of something the last time she’d been in the den that he only now realized was playing on repeat in his mind. A new fear that conflicted with the first.

When he saw her playing cards with a smile only for it to fade at his entrance.

He didn’t know what he wanted. He just knew that he wanted more than what he currently had, as poorly defined as it was.

His eyes slowly lifted from where they had drifted back to Tobias, realizing here, too, he wanted more than he currently had. What that would be, he didn’t know.

It was that not knowing that frightened him. That kept him from acting on his urges. This was no diplomatic bargain or meticulously crafted strategy. It was a gamble. A gamble with so many paths that ended in tragedy he struggled to see any other option.

It was safer for things to stay the same.

He just wasn’t sure if it was enough anymore. Not with Kenna. Not with Tobias. Not with Athereon.

But what was?

Finally, he answered the question, his voice soft and uncharacteristically unsure. “I don’t want to be someone she hides from.”

That was as succinct as he could make it. He hadn’t liked how she had turned away from him. He hadn’t liked how she had put up those walls between them anymore than he liked those flashes of pain in the eyes of his pack mates.

Tobias stood, his voice cheerful. “Perfect. I’ll set it up, just leave it to me, Lumin. One greenling that doesn’t hide from your side coming right up!” Turning on his heel, he moved to leave the office too quickly for Bartos to gather his thoughts or say more. He stopped briefly by the door, pointing at Bartos with a playfully stern expression. “Two hours, got it? Two more hours of work, and then I’m kidnapping you if I have to.”

Bartos smiled, finding Tobias’s cheer infectious. He gave the other man a nod in answer, and Tobias grinned before letting himself out of the office.

Leaning back in his chair, Bartos stared at the door, unable to find the concentration to get back to work for a long time as nebulous thoughts and fears rose instead.

Once Squirt left the lord’s office, she turned to trot down the hallway to the quartermaster’s only to hear the pest choke on his words awkwardly.

She stopped. Turned towards him appraisingly.

He glanced away, fidgeting by rolling up the sleeve of his shirt. “I… that is… I will give you space now.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, then closed it abruptly, shook his head, and turned to leave.

No.

No, he wasn’t.

He was.

He’d just sat through two hours of conversation and bargaining while trying and failing to keep up with the conversation, only to now decide to leave?

The word was almost accusing as it slipped out. “Why?”

He stopped, turning back to her. Then scratched his head awkwardly. “I…” He gestured at the office door between them. “There, I might have been useful, maybe. If you had needed me. I don’t think I will be useful at the quartermaster’s.”

Her jaw slackened.

“So, I’ll go be useful. Check in on the stew and help wash the laundry. Maybe sing some more.”

“I’m surprised you can keep doing it when Thorn glares at you like that.”

He chuckled and shrugged. “She likes my singing. She always sits close by, even if her back is turned.”

She would. Senile old bat hated everyone.

Gods. Squirt had become just like her, hadn’t she?

He interrupted her existential thoughts with a, “Well, then,” and a bow, before turning to leave.

“Wait,” she started.

He stopped, turning back again.

She was nuts. She had to be.

… am I… still allowed to court, or…?

She swallowed, visibly uncomfortable. “I… that is… you like… following me? Even when it’s boring?”

There was a flash across his face before he cleared his throat, a nonchalance to him that hadn’t been there a minute ago. “Non, huntress, for with you in the room, nothing bores—”

“Fuck off.” She turned to leave.

The most pathetic sound had her turning not three steps later, and she turned back to see his bravado crushed into pieces again.

Gods. It was so… pitiful.

Yep. That’s why she was doing this. Because she pitied him. “Come on. You can stay until I go back to the den.”

Based on the sounds, when he jolted into moving, he tripped over himself in his excitement, and she shook her head while wondering where the fuck her sanity went off to this time.