55 – With Friends like These

“Now get down there and make some friends.” My father unceremoniously kicked me out of his garden.

“I’m going, I’m going!” I trotted down the steps of Shengyuan Peak.

Now then, I just need to find someone with similar taste. How hard can it be? I have five friends back in university. Three more than the average modern American. This would be easy. I considered visiting the hospital to maybe ask Zhaoxia and Qingfeng for help. But quickly discarded the idea. I didn’t want to intrude into their existing circles. That rarely ended well.

I stopped in front of my house’s circular gate. Do my three servants count? Probably not. There was already a clear status difference, and forcing it would only create sycophants. Besides, I still felt guilty about scaring them earlier. Using them as unwitting test subjects had been pretty low of me and unbecoming of me. I shouldn’t have made them test subjects without their knowledge and consent. 

I continued down the stairs, pulling out The Great Thundergod Tandava. I glanced at the title again before storing it away. The name had changed on its own based on my “attainment,” as my father called it. He seemed quite pleased when I asked about it. 

Apparently technique manuals are separated into two kinds. One is a complete art, like The Great Thundergod Tandava and Fundamentals of Soul Arts. These have various stages of attainment and generally specialize a cultivator to a certain direction. Another being supplementary arts. They are usually short one trick manuals. Designed for maximum compatibility with other supplementary arts and complete arts. 

He also told me that all manuals on the first floor of the Grand Library are all supplementary arts. For building the Foundation of skills first before specializing on the complete arts on the second floor. Which is quite odd. I thought it would be better to specialize first before picking supplements. This is not a school where you can pick and choose theoretical classes. Maybe I can ask these questions later.

I reached the central platform once more. Now then, to find some friends. I looked around. Like before, most are outer disciples in grey robes. Going along their way and errands. Very rarely are inner disciples with black and white robes come and go. But usually, they look so focused on their task or destination that it feels rude to intrude. Well, I guessed I’d just wander around until I found some who seemed aimless.

After wandering for a few hours, a mischievous laugh drifted from behind one of the buildings.

Should I check it out? That definitely sounds like trouble. I glanced left and right. Strangely, no one else was around this area. Ah, whatever. Can’t be the worst decision I’ve made.

I followed the laugh to its source. A rather plump inner disciple was crouching behind the building. Peeking at something, giggling, and doing something. Good God. He's not jacking off isn’t he? Please don’t be jerking off… A thought of just turning away crossed my mind before I decided against it and walked towards him. He looks somewhat familiar.

Peering down with my height advantage, I saw exactly what he was doing. He was… drawing porn. Very detailed, very enthusiastic porn.

The inner disciple looked up as my shadow fell over him. “Can you move? You are blocking my sun.” The inner disciple asked and I moved to the side.

I shifted aside and crouched beside him. A pile of finished works lay nearby. His works are… fascinating. A collection of beautiful women in various seductive poses and exotic, often minimal clothing. Some more revealing than the others. Some fully nude, others in provocative positions with flushed, inviting expressions.

“Interested in buying, brother?” he asked casually.“First customer gets a discount and a private peek with my little friend here.” He tapped a circular mirror set in a hexagonal frame.

“Oh, it’s you,” I said, recognizing him. “You’re the guy who offered to paint someone, right?” I tapped my skull with my fingers.

“Huìrán (惠然|Gentle and Agreeable), correct?” I laughed as I finally understood what he had meant back then by offering to have someone painted.

“I’m flattered you remembered,” he chuckled. “Most just call me Fatty Wang.”

“Weird nickname. You have a perfectly fine name.”

“Oh, you flatter me.” He waved it off. “So, see anything you like?”

“I’ll do you one better,” I said, grinning like I’d found a kindred spirit. I picked up a painting of a woman wearing minimal red cloth that barely covered her chest and stomach, one leg crossed elegantly over the other.

“See this?”

“Excellent taste, brother. Modeled after Sister Wǎnxiá (晚霞|Evening Rosy Clouds).” Huiran chuckled. “That would be 25 spirit stones.”

“No, no, no. Look at this.” With a snap of my fingers, I altered the image. The red cloth vanished from her chest and stomach, replaced by a daring red collar that extended into elegant sleeves. Her legs were now covered by matching red chaps that left her crotch exposed.

“WOO!” Huiran’s mouth went wide, eyes widened in awe, as he snatched the painting, studying every change.

“Bro…” He looked at me with pure reverence. “Help me with clothing ideas and I’ll paint for you for free.”

“Deal.”

“Hehehehehe.”

“Bunch of scoundrels!” A third voice suddenly interrupted.

Both of us turned toward the newcomer. It was another familiar inner disciple, tall and straight-backed, carrying a sword at his side. He had striking blue hair that shimmered like flowing water and sharp green eyes that gleamed with intensity. The moment he saw us, he drew his blade with a sharp ring. A piercingly cold sword aura erupted around him.

“Brother Wèndào (問道|Inquiring of the Dao)", Huiran said smoothly, “I saw you eyeing Sister Níngguāng earlier. How about I give you one for half price? We can still be friends, right?”

“Ehem.” The dignified sword aura collapsed instantly as he coughed awkwardly and crouched beside us, still trying to look refined. “How much?”

“25 spirit stones.” Huiran then said.

The transaction happened so fast I barely saw the stones change hands before a scroll appeared in Wendao’s grip. He attempted to maintain a serious expression while Huiran chuckled like the shameless pervert he was.

I think I just found my people.

“Now then, for my special friends.” Huiran said, handing me the hexagonal mirror. “Your turn after this,” he added to Wendao.

Curious, I peeked into the mirror.

“Oh, holy shit balls!” I finally understood why he had been giggling like a maniac. It was a peeping tool showing a live view of the women’s hot spring, filled with beautiful female cultivators. I looked away for a second, then grinned.

I peeked again. “Ohoho! Look at this beauty with blue hair and icy blue eyes” 

The mirror was instantly snatched from my hands as soon as I said it. Wendao planted his face against it, staring intently at Sister Ningguang while trying to control his breathing.

“AAaaaa!” Huiran and I yelled in perfect unison, laughing like idiots.

I had a strong feeling we were going to be great friends.

“Now hurry,” Huiran urged, grabbing a fresh sheet. “Tell me everything.”

I started yapping like an idiot, vomiting out every vulgar clothing design and lewd concept I’d ever saved in my private gallery back on Earth. Huiran painted like a man possessed, his brush flying across the paper. Even Wendao leaned in, completely captivated as each new painting grew bolder, more tantalizing, and more shamelessly seductive than the last.

I peeked into the mirror again. The raw thrill of live peeping was on another level compared to modern porn or the endless sea of AI-generated content. Then a new figure stepped into the hot spring. I recognized her instantly.

“Oh fuck! Is that Elder Guyue?”

“WHERE!?” 

Two hands immediately slapped my face aside as Huiran and Wendao violently fought over the mirror, smashing their faces together in desperate competition.

A dreadful chill ran down my spine. The unmistakable feeling of being caught by very dangerous people. I slowly turned my head, my three sets of eyes giving me excellent peripheral vision especially the deer eyes.

Oh, fuck! 

Everyone’s here.

I frantically slapped both their shoulders. “Guys!”

“What?!” They snapped, then froze solid as they saw the group behind me. Ningguang, Wanxia, a dozen furious female inner disciples, and even elder Guyue herself. 

They glanced back at the mirror, where all the women were supposedly still bathing peacefully.

“RUN!”

Chaos erupted.

My Divine Fog exploded outward in a thick black cloud. Wendao shot into the sky with his flying sword. Huiran rolled away like a panicked ball of fat. I activated the Great Thundergod Steps and bolted.

“After them!”

“Beat them!”

“Castrate them!”

The enraged shouts of the women chasing us echoed across the peak.

The chase turned into pure pandemonium. Wendao soared gracefully on his flying sword, practically untouchable. He shifted between elegant poses. Standing on one leg, spinning mid-air, even lounging sideways, as he effortlessly dodged incoming spells, thrown talismans, and bursts of sword Qi. Every movement was refined and mocking, as if he were showing off rather than fleeing for his life.

I, on the other hand, was the biggest target. Most of the attacks focused on me due to my size. I desperately weaved through the chaos using Great Thundergod Steps, flickering from place to place while exploding bursts of Divine Fog to obscure vision and buy precious seconds. Even then, several close calls singed my fur and antlers.

Huiran, meanwhile, was having the time of his life. The plump inner disciple simply tanked everything thrown at him. Each strike sent him bouncing and rolling like a rubber ball, only for him to pick up even more speed with every impact. He laughed maniacally as he ricocheted off the ground, somehow turning the barrage of attacks into his personal momentum engine.

“Huiran, you cannot escape this time!” a female disciple shouted.

This time? So he really had done this before.

A terrifying surge of Qi erupted beside us. Massive ice walls and razor-sharp spikes burst from the ground, nearly sealing off half the central platform. I glanced back, it was from Sister Ningguang. Whose Qi and divine sense somehow smells familiar and delicious to me.

We barely dodged the attack. In the distance, a small but imposing figure appeared. It is the small elder Luoying of the Enforcement Hall. Behind her, appearing from the corner, marched a dozen gigantic, heavily muscled male inner disciples. Each nearly my size and clearly specialized in body tempering.

“It has come to this!” Wendao shouted.

“There’s only one way out!” Huiran answers.

I nod along, understanding what they meant.

“Fight!”

“I surrender!” 

Huiran and Wendao shouted to fight while I shouted to surrender. 

What follows is chaos as Huiran unrolled himself and meets an enforcer’s fist with his own, creating a powerful shockwave. Wendao’s sword flashed elegantly, knocking three enforcers back in one arc. I landed on another with the full accumulated force of the Great Thundergod Steps.

“We’re actually fighting?!” I asked incredulously, right before being tackled to the ground. Huiran was pinned by three enforcers, while Wendao was instantly knocked down by Elder Luoying who appeared on his back and bonked him with her sheathed sword.

—

The three of us were thrown into a dark cave.

“Three enforcers. That must be a new record,”Huiran boasted proudly.

“You won’t get lucky next time, bud,” the lead enforcer replied cordially before slamming the massive iron door shut.

“So… this kind of thing is normal?” I asked.

“Didn’t your father tell you? Tsk tsk tsk.” Huiran clicked his tongue. “In Tianhe Sect, it’s tradition to fight the enforcers when you get caught. Consider it an impromptu spar. The ‘criminals’ gain experience escaping, and the enforcers get real combat training. Win-win.”

Right, I forget that these people are nuts.

“How long are we usually locked in here?” I asked.

“Somewhere between three months to three years,” Wendao as he woke up, rubbing the back of his head before immediately starting to meditate.

I looked around. Well, the cave is big enough. No bedding is not exactly concerning. But there’s one glaring issue.

“Where’s the toilet?” I asked, horrified.

“Here.” Huiran pointed at a small outlet in the corner and a stone basin collecting water droplets from a stalactite above.

I press my palms over my mouth in concern. “We cultivators can hold it for that long, right?”

“Aiya.” Huiran suddenly groaned, clutching his stomach.“I forgot I ate that extra spicy tofu a week ago. All that rolling has really upset my stomach.” He waddled toward the ‘toilet’

Horror painted on Wendao and my face. 

“Let me out!” I immediately started pounding on the iron door.

“LET ME OUUUUUT!”

~ Valarion