Chapter 148

Sunset (31)

Sunset (31)

"How did that topic even come up."

I needlessly scuffed the floor with my foot.

It was a meaningless action.

When life gets uncomfortable, I find myself doing this unconsciously.

"Sorry for talking nonsense."

I said that and tried to leave.

But Kyle approached.

And grabbed my wrist.

I unconsciously shook off her hand.

Kyle looked at me with a hurt expression.

She bit her lower lip tightly.

After a moment to steady her breath, she opened her mouth.

"What am I to you?"

Her voice was faintly trembling.

"...I don't understand what you mean."

"Am I Kyle to you? A friend?

Or a man, and an uneducated commoner from a heretic village, a person you don't want to be close to?

Or perhaps a liar? A girl who looks surprisingly decent? Or one of the many people who might like you?"

"Why are you saying that?"

"....Because not many people would dislike you just for your appearance. Even if your behavior covered it all up."

Kyle said, looking at the refugees trudging back to their homes, moving away from the city gates.

"I don't know what kind of person I am to you.

I don't know how to treat you, and every time you... carelessly treat human lives, even though I know it can't be helped, I still speak up."

"...Still, there has to be someone who says such things."

"Even if you won't listen?"

"......."

"Those people, they'll all die, won't they?"

"Yeah, they'll all die."

"But now I can't bring myself to say 'let's save them.' I'm still such a coward that I live telling lies to others every day."

Kyle said, staring intently into my eyes.

My reflection in her still-shining eyes looked shabby.

I hadn't properly shaved, and dark circles hung heavily beneath my eyes.

It was exactly how I looked after dying and returning to that unpleasant room again.

"Why, why do you look at me like I'm a disgusting person, and then look at me with kind eyes like before, why are you like this?"

"We just keep asking each other questions, but no answers come."

"Because there's no answer."

"Sorry for being someone without an answer."

"...You know I didn't mean it that way."

I also looked at Kyle, then couldn't meet her gaze and looked at the floor.

The sight of her tilting her head up and smiling brightly, bashfully like before, I'll only be able to see that again after I die one more time.

I wonder if, since it doesn't seem to work out this time either, I should just get my head blown off and die.

Such a thought crossed my mind.

Next time, to relieve some stress, I'll deal with the Duchess myself, and without needlessly bickering with Levina, we'll just live in some suitable rural corner and rest.

Actually, it doesn't feel like anything would get better, or that I'd feel relieved, even then.

Only I am here.

Only I am standing here.

Only I remember, and only I am watching.

I thought I'd be unmoved by seeing unknown people dying in heaps, having witnessed it countless times, but pushing them away myself seemed to be a different story.

For a moment, that is. I must have been tired, just for a moment.

To the point where it was hard to hold onto my sanity.

Even if everyone else goes mad and does crazy things, I alone must remain sane.

Because, after all, I'm the only one who dies and comes back again.

I touched the candy in my pocket with my hand.

The candy I received from the forbidden library and still hadn't eaten.

As I spent time in that somehow exhausting silence, Kyle parted her lips, then spoke first.

"Thank you for saving me."

"...Saving you?"

"Before, you fought the demons to protect me, even as your whole body was being pierced, didn't you?"

Kyle said.

She had a slightly tearful expression.

"...I, at most, just lost a leg, but I just sat there complaining it hurt."

"Doesn't sound like 'at most'."

"So, I'm sorry. You, for sure, would think more diligently and try to save more people than a pathetic person like me. While claiming to be a friend, I did nothing but whine in front of you."

"That's not why you should feel sorry to me, is it?"

"Still... if it ends like this without us exchanging a proper word, I feel like we'll never be able to reconcile."

Somehow, desperation was mixed in her voice.

Even after such cringeworthy words were exchanged, we stood in silence for a long time.

Only a cold wind blew atop the city walls.

The stench of blood and decay, presumably carried from some unknown place, and the faint smell of distant fires mixed with the wind.

We simply kept looking at each other.

I don't know what to say in times like this.

To say, 'Let's just pretend everything we ignored and didn't talk about never happened, and go back to being normal friends like before?' feels somewhat ridiculous.

I looked at her eyes.

A faint light, as if expecting something, flickered and passed through them.

"I want to reconcile."

Kyle opened her mouth again.

This time, her voice was a little clearer than before.

"I don't want to grow distant from you like this.

When we were at the Academy... when you trained me, I liked gradually growing closer.

It was the first time, someone around my age had cared for me so much."

I couldn't answer.

I didn't know what to say.

I merely remained silent.

"I was being mean, wasn't I?"

"...Not mean, just that our opinions didn't quite align."

"No, it was me, who just said 'let's save them' without any plan......"

Even as she spoke, she didn't avert her gaze.

"So, so I just... don't know. What anything is.

I think I was just a little tired... and ended up complaining to you."

She poured out her words haphazardly.

Even though her words didn't make sense, rambling on, she said she wanted to reconcile with me, all while wearing a somewhat uncomfortable expression.

"Even if I might seem like a nonchalant bastard to you, killing people without a care, I also... just.

Oh, right. Should we just pretend nothing happened?"

"......."

She looked at me, then approached me once more.

This time, Kyle tried to reach out a hand, but grabbed her advancing right hand with her left.

She merely stood close and looked up at me.

"Are we still friends?"

"Friends usually don't say things like that out loud."

"Then maybe we're not."

"Honestly, I don't know either. I've never reconciled with someone on equal terms."

Kyle made a sound of hmm, then put her hands behind her back, stretched one foot back to flex her ankle, and spoke something unexpected.

"You said you decided on a name. Tell me."

"Suddenly?"

"If we talk any more here, it'll just be bragging about how we had no friends."

At those words, a faint laugh escaped me unconsciously.

"Licia... perhaps that's not quite right. How about Celen? Or Noelene?"

"...Those are the kind of names you think are for girls, aren't they?"

I didn't answer.

"Celen and Noelene don't really appeal to me."

"......Why?"

"It's just the sound of them. It makes me feel like the uneducated girl you always talked about."

"...They're names of quite high-ranking people, though."

"Still, I don't like them. If you have a child later, tell your wife to name them."

Kyle started to look out beyond the city walls, then shook her head, turned her back, and looked inside the city instead.

"So, when we're alone, please call me Licia."

"Is there a need to specifically hide it and live like that?"

"It's become a habit, just. I'm used to it. Hiding and being unseen.

And ignoring and not helping the people down there, that's Kyle the man."

"Well, that's convenient."

"Right?"

Licia said that, smiling faintly with trembling lips.

It wasn't the appearance I had seen before.

It wasn't that bright, bashful, beautiful smile that seemed untainted by anything.

"So... are we friends again?"

"Yeah, probably still friends for now."

She answered.

"Lavin."

"Yeah."

"When I get stronger, next time, I'll save you.

I'll also make it so that nothing will be pretended away anymore."

****

Although I thought we had reconciled in our own way, it was still hard to see Kyle's face after that day.

As if possessed by something, she was always busy with a female knight named Jena, taking a few knights who had lost comrades, patrolling the surroundings and hunting relatively easy demons.

It had already been several weeks since I'd even seen Seraphina and Estelle's faces.

Saying that a nearby strategic point was on the verge of falling, they left only Levina, Kyle, and me here, and the two of them went ahead first.

The two of them seemed to have grown quite close in their own way.

Considering there was no particular opposition even though they left just the two of them.

Perhaps it's because my connection with Estelle happened quite late.

Even having come this far, my thoughts are still about how I'll manipulate the people I love when I go back again.

Anyway, when we first started being pushed back by the demons, my mind was in a jumble, thinking we might all die like this, but perhaps because they tried to crawl up the city walls a few times and got hit by Seraphina's magic, these days I tend to see more refugees than demons.

Thus, the days within the city were peaceful.

During that time, I spent time with Levina.

Living next to a crazy person, I somehow find comfort in thinking, 'At least I'm better than this person,' or 'At least I haven't given up on being human to this extent.'

In that sense, Levina was the most useful and helpful person to me here.

Fighting more demons only sharpens my senses a bit, it doesn't make me stronger.

Instead of that, I should just untangle the twisted thoughts in my head, and prepare my mind in advance so I don't lash out at people around me, but just being next to Levina makes me feel quite at ease.

Anyway, I sometimes took walks inside the city with my sister, looked at documents with her in her office, and occasionally even slept in the same bed.

Despite what I say, we just hold hands and sleep.

Sometimes she'd touch below, but if I flicked her forehead, her hand would slowly return to where it was supposed to be.

It wasn't really anything like what lovers would do, but she seemed to think it was.

"Isn't this quite nice in its own way? Since it's just the two of us."

Levina got up from the bed, pounded cheap coffee beans with a mortar, and said as she boiled hot water.

I felt the same way.

"Well. When are Seraphina and the Saintess coming?"

"They'll be here in a few days. They say it's only about five thousand."

"Just brew me any tea leaves, not coffee."

"We're all out."

"...You don't have any hidden away?"

"What do you take me for?"

Levina grumbled and handed me the coffee.

I took a sip, and sure enough, the taste was absolutely awful.

"By the way, do you still have that candy?"

"What candy?"

"You know, that candy you always carry on you."

"Why, do you want some?"

"No, it's not that, it's just. I think you should eat it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Shaking my head, I put down my cup and sat down next to Levina, who was perched on the bed, drinking even cheap coffee with a certain elegance.

Without a word, I put my arm around her waist, leaned my head on her shoulder, and looked out the window.

My sister casually stroked my head and simply spent time with me.

After a few hours, the bells began to ring.

A dust cloud was rising, suggesting that demons were approaching from afar.

It would be good if only suitably weak ones came this time too.