The Return of the God Level Assassin [BL]

LUO YAN had long noticed Shen Ji Yun's abnormality the moment the other helped the Gatekeeper to stand up.  He had that same look when they were at Tropical Land – when he asked him about the last time he went to an amusement park. 

He looked like he was holding in all his emotions.  But in Luo Yan's eyes, he looked more like he was holding back his tears.  Which made him more distressed.

"Brother Ji Yun, are you alright?" he couldn't help but asked.

Shen Ji Yun seemed to wake up from his dazed state.  Hearing the obvious worried tone in Luo Yan's voice, all the negative emotions that had gathered inside him slowly dispersed.  And it was slowly being filled with the love he had for this person. 

This was the first time he had gotten out of those dark thoughts just by hearing someone's voice.  Under normal situation, whenever he couldn't help but think of the past, it would take some time before he could come out from his depressed mood.  Even his uncle had to leave him alone because consoling would only have the opposite effect.  But because of that he could only endure the sadness on his own.

He didn't blame his uncle for that.  How could he?  His uncle had already done a lot for him.  More than what he should be obligated to do.  In the strictest sense of the world, the other was probably the only person who treated him as family. 

It was him who wanted to be alone during those moments.  Probably because of guilt.  Because it was only during those times that he could experience the same numbing sadness that his mother was experiencing everyday of her life ever since his father left them. 

Yes, it was a weird thought.  But he probably just wanted to have a certain kind of connection to his mother.  To make himself believe that he was still her son.  Even though the other clearly didn't want him.  Really, Such useless thoughts.  And yet he was still persisting on it until this day. 

But right now, those negative thoughts disappeared in just a flash.  And he actually didn't mind.  All because the reason for it was his rabbit. 

This person who could fill his thoughts just simply holding his hand and giving him all his attention.  All he could think of was how beautiful Luo Yan was, how soft his hand holding his was, and how much he wanted to pull him into his arms.

He couldn't believe that one day, his heart would actually be occupied by another person.  But it did.  His heart was simply overflowing with love for him.  And it was to the point that he simply wanted to put him in a room and only let him be with him alone.  If not for fear that Luo Yan would hate him, he would have probably already done something to the same level. 

But he wouldn't do that.  As long as he had his reason, he would never do something like that.  Not only because he didn't want to be hated, but because he also wanted for this love to be returned.  It was such a shameless thought and yet that was what he longed for. 

He wondered if that would come true one day.  If it did, then he probably would be the happiest on Earth.

Suddenly, Shen Ji Yun understood his mother's despair.  Something that he had never understood before.  He was also deeply hurt and saddened by his father's passing.  But he could continue on because his mother was still there.  And yet his mother obviously didn't think the same.  Because he was not enough for her.  Her heart, there was probably only ever his father there.  There was simply no room for him.

It was hypocritical to say that he didn't feel any resentment over that.  But as he grew older, he only thought that the fault was probably just on him.  Because he was lacking.  Because he was simply someone that was not easy to love.

But now, he understood a little bit.  Because if Luo Yan was to suddenly disappear from his life, he would probably go insane. 

He smiled inside and felt ironic.  Ah, he truly was his mother's son. 

Shen Ji Yun looked at Luo Yan and tightened his hold over the other's hand.  "I'm okay, Yan Yan.  No matter what happens, as long as you're here, I will probably always be okay."

Luo Yan felt like those words held a thousand meanings.  But he was simply glad that the other seemed like he was able to quickly shrug off whatever it was he was feeling earlier.  At least, he no longer had that pained look on his face.  Luo Yan truly didn't want to see him like that again.  His heart simply ached for him.  If possible, he only wanted for Shen Ji Yun to always be happy. 

He knew that the other probably carried a lot of baggage, something that he couldn't simply unload.  It was most likely related to his family.  Even if Luo Yan wanted to know about it, he wouldn't ask him.  Because he knew that if he did, the other would definitely tell everything to him without any hesitation.

But he wished for Shen Ji Yun to tell it to him on his own volition.  That way, he would know that he was ready to share that part of his life to him.  And it would be more worth it.  But right now, he could only do what he could.

He smiled up at him and said, "I will always be here.  As long as Brother Ji Yun needed me, I will not leave."

Shen Ji Yun was surprised to hear that, not expecting Luo Yan to say such a thing.  It was like the other knew what he was thinking. But he quickly let go of that surprise and just let happiness fill him. 

He smiled and said in his heart – [Then, Yan Yan, you have to stay at my side for a lifetime.  Because there would never come a day when I won't need you.]