Chapter 35: A Noblewoman’s Diary

It’s the dead of night.

Adonis and Geles were seated across from each other with an oil lamp flickering softly between them. There’s something else between them, too, and that was what they were staring at so intensely... a diary lying next to the lamp.

Whenever Adonis reached out to open it, his fingers would recoil as though he were reaching for a fire.

Moreover, Geles’s pointed ears twitched nervously whenever she saw him do this.

Who knew what kind of twisted madness a sick noblewoman like Mariella had concocted in this book.

"We really shouldn’t be doing this..."

Geles said, but her eyes were still filled with curiosity.

"Neither should you have stolen it in the first place, I mean what were you thinking—?!" said Adonis.

"I-, I’m sorry..."

Geles penitently bowed her head, looking like a sulking dog after being scolded.

Shck! Gah... Adonis felt a sharp pain in his chest —— that was the guilt and hypocrisy he felt from acting like he wouldn’t do the exact same thing if he knew Mariella had a diary. But he had to keep this shameless act up. If he didn’t act like a saint now, he’d be in trouble if they got caught reading her diary.

"Your Highness is right, this was foolish."

Geles picked up the dairy, ready to leave.

"WAIT!" Adonis desperately shouted.

"Your Highness?"

"We’re already here. Might as well commit to the crime."

"No, no, we mustn’t fall for such tempta—"

Shwick! Adonis snatched the book from her... flip, flip, flip he went through the exhausted pages. Some pages had discolored blots on them from water and sometimes red wine.

Geles groaned softly. "If Lady Mariella finds out..."

"She won’t. Now shush."

Adonis turned back to the first page. The handwriting was elegant and the curve at the ends flowed like water... the penmanship of a noblewoman trained since childhood. Now he felt a soothing softness in his chest.

"Yunno, I don’t think it’ll be that bad..."

...

■

I’m writing this because Geena says it helps to organize one’s thoughts. I think it’s foolish. As the daughter of Duke Soron it’s a given that you’re always organized.

My thoughts are more than perfectly organized!

Except when they’re not.

Like... when they’re about him.

■

I saw Adonis today at the summer festival.

He was surrounded by women, as always. He didn’t look at me once. It feels depressing.

We’re engaged and he acts like we’re not.

I pretended not to care. I laughed with the noblemen trying to win my favor. They all look like pigs.

How dare Adonis subject me to this?

But when I got home, I locked my door and touched myself for three hours thinking about how Adonis might have looked at me if I’d been one of those women. How he might have grabbed my wrist. How he might have pulled me into an alley and—

I can’t write that. Even here, I can’t write that.

But I did it. And I hated myself for it. And I did it again.

I never feel good about touching myself, it’s wrong. I always feel so dirty and wash after.

...

Just two entries and Adonis had an unusually serious look on his face and he’d gone scarily silent.

Geles’s eyes glistened with tears of guilt she held back.

"It’s not right for me to let the ex-fiancée of milady read about her personal life like this... it’s, it’s so wrong. I would never subject Lady Mariella to such level of humiliation. I don’t think we should continue, Prince Adonis."

"...Humuuu, you’re right. This is wrong."

"I am?"

"Yes, yes. We can’t read this without dried meat."

"..."

In his past life, he would always have a cup of ramen or a bowl of chips ready while he read his webnovels. The only difference here was that there’s no piece of literature from his old world that could match up to the diary of a depraved woman.

...

■

I ended my engagement with Adonis.

I don’t feel like writing today.

■

I still don’t understand why I ended my engagement with the only man I seem to love. I feel so stupid.

I hate myself. I hate my urges. There’s no version of me that would ever care about Adonis awakening whatever Class. Classes are not important in a relationship.

I couldn’t touch myself last night either. It’s not because I was sad I called off our engagement... after all, I was looking for a reason to touch myself that’s why I even said it. But Adonis didn’t seem to care and while that turned me on, I couldn’t rub myself last night.

It’s disappointing, but it’s good.

■

I think Adonis has changed, maybe a little?

Those last few days before I called off our engagement, he looks at me more, and his eyes aren’t distant.

A day before his Awakening Ceremony, I saw him talking to air and saying something about Chapters and volumes, and how he doesn’t want to die in Chapter 1. He’s been very strange.

Is it possible that’s why he didn’t care about me calling off the engagement? I didn’t want him to beg me, I just wanted to see him look at me hatefully a bit. That turns me on. Still, why didn’t he care? He’s nonchalant but he’s not stupid.

Losing me as a fiancée means losing Soron and the privileges that come with our duchy.

So strange...

■

Leander officially proposed today. Father is thrilled. The Soron Duchy will have a prince on the throne. Mother is already planning the wedding.

I said yes.

Why did I say yes?

Because Adonis will never want me. Because I ruined whatever chance I had after acting so stupid. Soron nobles are always called disgusting, I can see why...

I destroyed our future for my urges.

■

I thought about Adonis today.

Then I touched myself until I couldn’t see straight.

...

Adonis turned the page slowly. Geles was vibrating beside him as her pointed ears flattened against her head.

"Uhm, Prince Adonis, should we really—"

"You can leave whenever you want."

She didn’t leave.

... Flip, flip, flip, Adonis flew past pages about boring political strategies and secret research projects. What was important to him was her emotions, nothing else.

...

■

Leander is an idiot.

He thinks I enjoy his poetry. He thinks I enjoy his gifts. He thinks I enjoy HIM.

I enjoy none of these things.

What I enjoy is the fantasy where Adonis walks into my wedding and objects. Loudly. Violently. He grabs my arm in front of the entire assembly and drags me out while Leander screams in protest. He doesn’t kiss me. He doesn’t comfort me. He throws me into a carriage and tells me I belong to him now, whether I like it or not.

Then he slaps me. So fucking hard.

And I say "thank you."

Gods, I’m sick.

■

I wrote Adonis an apology letter today. I didn’t send it.

I burned it.

■

Adonis didn’t send a letter today. He’s not supposed to.

I tricked myself into thinking he’s ignoring me then I touched myself, now my bed is a mess.

... Later, I touch myself in the washroom.

■

I got a letter today.

From HIM.

Adonis wrote to me. He asked for my help with runic research. He said I was the only one who could help him. He said he needed me.

Need. Me. Mariella Soron. Am I that irresistible?

I read it fourteen times before I realized I had to go to him.

I packed my things immediately. Geena was confused. She thought I was going to see Leander.

I let her think that.

I didn’t sleep at all on the journey. I kept touching my face to make sure this was all real.

I feel great.

...

Adonis paused. He remembered writing that letter. It had been part of his plan to draw Mariella to Falsbane and make Leander look like a fool in front of Prussia.

He hadn’t thought about what it would mean to her.

He turned the page with a solemn look.

’Mariella is like any other woman in love isn’t she...’

Those thoughts and that look of pity was immediately dashed away by her next diary entry.

...

■

Leander is unsurprisingly unfaithful.

Adonis has a soft butt. He didn’t let me touch it for long.

■

Adonis is sad. That makes me sad, too.

■

I went to visit Adonis today, but Fourth Queen didn’t let me, I don’t think she likes me. Old women like her don’t like beautiful young ladies.

Adonis keeps cucking me. He’s engaged to Prussia and he’s also rubbing lips with Fourth Queen. What a turn on.

I could smell him inside the room, but he didn’t bother to come out and see me. I suspect he opened up to Fourth Queen which makes me feel inferior.

I acted stupid after. I hid in a shed behind the servant quarters and touched myself there against the wall. With my hand over my mouth so no one would hear.

I came thinking about he and Fourth Queen kissing.

What am I becoming? I feel like shit.

■

I’ve been helping Adonis with his weapon project.

He’s building something incredible. A spear that channels water mana through a composite rune array. It’s genius.

He’s doing it in a warehouse on the edge of the city.

With me.

I’m the project supervisor.

It’s more satisfying than anything I’ve ever done in Soron. Not because of the research. It’s because he needs me. When he doesn’t know something, he asks me. When he’s stuck, he comes to me. When he succeeds, he smiles at me.

He smiled at me today.

I nearly collapsed.

I had to excuse myself again. The warehouse has a small storage room. I used it.

Three times.

I didn’t have time to clean up properly so I wiped my slimy hand on his jacket when he wasn’t looking.

■

Prussia is always around.

I hate her.

I hate the way she stands so close to him. I hate the way she acts so strict with him. I hate the way she’s the first person to see him every morning.

I heard from Garm that she sleeps in her underwear when she’s sharing a bed with Adonis.

■

Geles asked me what I want.

I couldn’t tell her the truth.

The truth is this: I want Adonis to hit me.

...

Adonis choked on dried meat and almost fell of his chair.

"She wants me to do what?"

"Y-, Yes. Milady has talked about that a lot recently."

Just talking about it made Geles’s ears burn red.

Much to his torture, Adonis read some more.

...

■

It’s not like I’m asking for a hard slap. Just enough to make me feel like crap. As a child, mother always said there’s nothing better than getting hit by a man during sex.

This isn’t the same, but it’ll do.

I’ve thought about this so many times. I’ve imagined so many scenarios.

I’ll make the worst food imaginable. If he gets angry, if he throws the plate, grabs my wrist and tells me im useless...

I’ll thank him.

Tomorrow works time. He’s still on edge about completing the spear on time.

...

Adonis closed the diary and then his eyes.

... Hm? Geles tilted her head. "Prince Adonis are y—"

"I need sleep."