Chapter 319 – Omni Inc

*POOF*

"Papers, please." A nasally, feminine voice said as John tried to get his bearings from the sudden arrival of Pande as they were leaving that last world.

"Huh? Papers? Wait. Where am I? Aqua? What happened to your voice?" He said, his eyes trying to adjust to the bright lighting of the room he was standing in, which made him dizzy.

"Sir, do you have your papers?" The voice prompted again.

Definitely not Aqua. Is that Fran Drescher?

"Sorry... I'm a little dizzy... Where am I? And did you see my companions? A shorter woman with long blue hair, and an average-height woman with shorter black hair, though the second one might not be here... and is also a dragon." He said, rubbing his eyes as the wave of vertigo subsided. He looked around, not quite understanding what in the heck happened.

He was in a rather plain-looking room, with beige walls and a single door behind him. In front of him was a booth that reminded him of something he would see at the theatre or maybe the ticket booth at the fair. A plexiglass shield was in front of him, with a small slit at the bottom to pass things through and a vent at mouth level to speak through.

On the other side was a creature he had never seen before, though if he had to describe it, it was a fat frog crossed with a slug that was wearing black-framed glasses, red lipstick, and a purple dress. It also had grey hair done up in a beehive hairdo, giving him the impression it was an older woman.

"Sir, you were alone on your arrival; no women were with you, dragon or otherwise. You are trying to access the Omni, yes? Well, all deities from outside the Omni are required to submit the requisite forms prior to entry. So I ask again, do you have your papers?"

"Huh? Since when?" He said while checking himself over. He was wearing his white bathrobe and a pair of fluffy white bunny slippers.  

"Since before I started to work here, which I assure you, was a very long time ago. If you don't have your papers, please return to your universe and seek approval from your supervisor and acquire the requisite paperwork before returning."

"Wait? My own universe? I'm a contestant at DEN. Just... I don't know. Call Alec, Xiaolin or the Director... they will vouch for me."

"Right. And I'm the Queen of Sheeba. Look here, sonny, I don't know who you are, but you were directed to my office, which means you were trying to access the Omni without prior authorization. I'm not sticking my neck out for you just because you drop some big names. You need an OVVA-VPR1 form, a PTDP-2-W, the NOK, an OTDF, and, of course, your SEC-432, 433, and either 438 or 439 depending on your aspect and alignment. Finally, you would need an OPC-10-B, but that is done in this office. Only then will you be allowed into the Omni.

"What... what even are those?"   

"Sir... those are the OmniVersal Visitors Application - Visitation Pass Request, Personal Temporal Dimensional Portal Waiver, Next of Kin form, Omni Travel Declaration Form, various Security Clearance forms, and the Omni Point of Contact form. Other than the last one, which is done here, you are required to have those all filled out, using portal black ink, before you even enter this office. For the love of the Omni, if another person tries to use glitter ink on these official forms, I'll toss them into a black hole for a few millennium to contemplate their transgression."

"Umm... Sure. Listen, ma'am, I really am from here. A contestant on DEN. I don't have some other universe to return to, or a boss to ask for these forms."

I mean... I guess I could say I fall under Fate and Destiny now... but I have no clue how to track them down. Deity hierarchy and communications weren't exactly the focus of our discussions, let alone about filling out obscure paperwork. Is... is being a god like being in some strange pseudo-corporation? ALEC! I know you're watching! Get me out of here!

"Un hun, sure, dearie. I don't watch that nonsense myself; too much porn in it, but I do know a bit about how DEN works. The contestants return to the DEN stage, not to the Customs office." She replied, then picked up some novel and leaned back in her chair. "Now, if you truly are unable to return to your own world, you can fill out that form to your right, take it down to Kiosk 341-I. They'll guide you through the next steps in the process. Just bring my pen back when you return."

A piece of paper on a clipboard and a black pen materialized on the counter in front of him. The title of the paper read OAR-29-F, an Omni Asylum Request. "Ahh... Are you sure this is the right form? I'm just trying to get to the DEN-"

"Listen here, brat! Do you have any idea how many deities, demigods, and other beings with more power than sense try to sneak into the Omni every one of your days? I have had it up to here dealing with all their nonsense. Now you can fill out the forms and enter properly, or I can just kick you out, and you can spend your remaining days floating in the void between the multiverses as you contemplate the life choices that led you to questioning my professionalism. Fill out the OAR, head to Kiosk 341-I, and go from there. And so help me, don't lose or chew on my pen. Floating for eternity in the void will be the least of your concerns if you do."

"Yes, Ma'am." He said, grabbing the clipboard and stepping back from the counter. He didn't know what in the hell was going on, but it didn't seem like he would be getting any help from this frog without the proper paperwork.

"It's Byro. Now, don't fill that out in here; others are waiting for their turn." She said, not looking up from her book.

"Right. Thank you, Byro." He said, then stepped out of the office.

The hallway was just as nondescript as the office, beige walls and tiles, and a series of doors equally spaced along its length in either direction. From what he could tell, the only difference between the doors was the little bronze placards on the top of the doorframes with different numbers on them.

He looked at the paperwork and sighed. It had his tombstone information, then a bunch of yes-or-no questions, a bunch of text saying it was against omniversal law to falsify information on official forms, and the signature block.

"I guess there is nothing to it but to do it. Maybe the next official will be more helpful." He said, walking down the hallway and slowly filling out the form, checking the placards on the door to make sure he was going in the right direction.

I just hope Aqua is okay... and Pande too if she ended up teleported with us.

It took him over thirty minutes, walking down several identical hallways, moving up and down several flights of stairs, trying to find the correct room in this... purgatory of offices. He didn't see a soul during his entire walk, and the few doors he checked were locked, so he couldn't ask for further directions.

He opened the door to 341-I and walked inside. It was the same as that first room, all beige, with a kiosk and another frog woman-

"Byro?" He said, looking at the frog woman through the glass, reading the same book as she was in the other office.

"Papers, please." She said, placing the book down.

"Uhhh... sure, but... didn't you just give me this paper?"

"That was at the Customs Office. This is the Asylum Office. Very different things." She said, looking over the paper. "I see. Well, this is a very unique claim of yours, Mr. Wayne. Here is the OVVA-VPR1 form and the NOK. Fill those out and head over to Kiosk 211-V; the person there will help you with your next steps."

"All right... but why didn't you just give these to me before?"

"As I told you, that was a different office. Now excuse me, I'm going on break." She said, then disappeared, leaving a little sign swinging on the back of the glass that read 'Be Back Soon'.

"Right..." He said. 

This time, there was a lineup of beings in front of him, each surrounded by powerful energies. He tried to engage in conversation with the one in front of him, but the six-armed snakeman just hissed at him a couple of times before returning to filling out his own paperwork.

"Fine," John said, reviewing his own papers while standing there with nothing else to do.

He had no idea how long he stood there before the line began to move again, albeit really slowly. Finally, after what felt like several hours, he arrived at the door. After the snakeman slithered out of the room, he stepped inside. Once again, another beige room with a kiosk. This time it was empty, with a sign in the window that read 'Be Back Soon'.

He sighed.

"Yes, this looks fine, though these Next of Kin. Do you not have their multiversal ID numbers where they are located?" Byro said, reviewing his forms.

"ID numbers? I didn't know they had ID numbers."

"Please head to Kiosk 172-A. The person there should be able to assist you with those, then come back here."

"Please, can you just contact Alec for me? He should be able to clear everything up."

"Mr. Wayne. As was explained to you before, I will not put my head on the chopping block just to contact the higher beings of the omni on the word of a lowly demigod. Please fill out the requisite forms and return. Next!"

"Fine." He sighed, shuffled off to the next location.

"Sir, without the DR3-B-8 form, I cannot fulfill your request to find the ID number of these women for your NOK. Please head to kiosk 381-K and get the required documentation. Next!"

"Sir, you cannot request entry without the CL-995-2B1 form. It is available at kiosk 002-Y."

"Sir. You will have to wait until I return from my mandated break."

"Mr. Wayne. With these boxes checked on your SEC-432 and SEC-433, you will need the SEC-439, the addendum of the ISE-200 and an SD form. You can get those at Kiosk..."

"Sir, this form needs to be filled out with a medium-tipped office blue pen, not the fine-tip portal black. Please return here once you have a fresh copy."

"Mr. Wayne. There is no sleeping in our offices. Please return to your own universe if you are unable to stay awake; otherwise, I need a copy of your DD-206-PRIME. If you do not have that form, please go to Kiosk 027-B..."

"Sir..."

"Mr. Wayne."

"Sir"

"Sir."

"Sir.."

"Sir..."

"SIR....!"

"ARGGGHHHH!!!!!"

"Sir! Do not raise your voice in our offices. If you cannot compose yourself, you will be asked to leave."

"Just... contact Alec or Xiaolin, please. I beg you."

"No, sir. As you have been told, that is not how things work here. Now, here is your copy of the PTDP-2-W, along with the C3-P02 Annex. Now, you need to head to kiosk 901-Z."

"That is like... a four-hour walk from here. I just came from the Z block! Who designed this process?!?!?"

"Sir, I assure you, this office is extremely streamlined. In fact, we are at the top of the omniverse in that regard. Now, will you go? Or shall I throw you out myself? NEXT!"

"There... all the paperwork... why... why?" John said, placing the now overfilled clipboard onto Byro's counter in the room he first encountered her in.

"Why what, Mr. Wayne?"

"Why... why is this place a thing? This is like going to the Department of Motor Vehicles."

"Please. We are nowhere near as convoluted as that place."

"Right. Now... can you please contact Alec for me?"

"One moment. Yes, these look in order. Let me give my supervisor a call and... oh, I have a voicemail? When did that get left? One moment, please." She said, picking up a beige 80s-style telephone. She punched a few numbers into it, like she was putting a password into a mailbox, then listened for a few moments before hanging up. "My apologies, Reincarnator John Wayne, there has been some sort of mix-up. That was a message from Alec, saying to let you pass without doing the paperwork. Have yourself a wonderful day." She said, smiling at him for a moment before flicking her hand towards him.

"Huh? WHA-" He started to shout, but was cut off as he disappeared.

*POOF* 

Purple smoke blinded John, while the cacophony of noise from the DEN theme music assaulted his ears, and Elvis's voice echoed over the loudspeaker. He was seated on what he assumed was a couch, with his arms wrapped around two people- two women, he assumed as his hands were touching what he thought was the bare skin of their breasts. He moved his hands away as quickly as he could, wondering just who in the heck they were and praying he wouldn't get smacked for something clearly out of his control. After a few more moments, the smoke started clearing, revealing Aqua under his right arm and Pande under his left.

Aqua was blushing as he expected, her newfound exhibitionism fetish not quite at wanting to be groped in front of others in a public space. He was surprised that Pande was blushing heavily, the normally outgoing dragon lady staring up at him in shock.

"Welcome back, John. How was your trip into the world of Re: Monster?" Alec said, swirling his glass of Westria around with that shit-eating grin on his face.

John held his tongue, just glaring at the man across the table from him.

"Huh? What's wrong? Is it that little screw-up? I left Byro a message-"

"I just want you to know that I really... really... am coming to despise you, Alec," John growled, his fist clenching as hard as his teeth were. 

Alec just smirked at him.