132 - Beneath The Surface

The blue orb had been left behind in the dragon’s cave, after having escaped the dragon’s body somehow during the healing process. They returned it to North Base before any other authorities arrived on the scene.

After, Vittoria and Arielle got home to the sound of furious scrubbing.

It was an incessant scraping against the wooden floorboards, accompanied by harsh breaths and desperate mutters, and when they finally located the source of the sound, they found Inara.

She was on her hands and knees, scrubbing Vittoria's bedroom floor with a hard brush, a bowl of water next to her. When she looked up at them, panic jumped into her gaze, her face streaked with tears.

"What happened?” Vittoria asked.

“Nothing. I…” She stared around her. “It was an accident."

“An accident during which what occurred?”

“I thought maybe…” She squeezed her hands, stumbling to her feet. “All I've done since I've been here is cook, and it doesn't take that much time. I didn’t want to just lie about being useless, so I thought maybe I could help you organize your room too. I remember you mentioned that you would let me tidy up now and then."

Vittoria raised an eyebrow, and Inara dropped her gaze.

“So I cleaned everything, mopped, wiped, and I was arranging the potions on your desk. Then something moved inside it, and I was startled, so I dropped the potion, and it all spilled out." Fresh tears filled her eyes, and she hiccuped. "I'm so sorry, Lady Vittoria. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear!"

At her words, Arielle realized how unusually clean the area was.

Vittoria's room was spotless, the gamey scent replaced by lavender. The small window had been opened to let in air, and the bed was covered with a floral sheet that was very uncharacteristic of Vittoria.

Arielle was impressed that Inara had changed so much in so little time. That was very nice of her.

“You’re lucky that’s all that happened,” Vittoria finally said. “Some of those chemicals can burn through bone. Some would have melted your face off. Inara, when I agreed to let you tidy up, I didn’t mean a deep clean. I just meant that you could maybe mop the floors now and then, and only because you seemed overly anxious about working."

“I know. But I wanted to....I wanted to impress you so you wouldn't think I was worthless."

"I don't think you're worthless. Even if you're not doing anything for me, you inherently have worth. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand, but it goes in one ear and out the other." There was a note of frustration in Vittoria's tone, and Inara hung her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

"I’m sorry.”

Vittoria sighed and waved a hand. The stain on the floorboards was instantly gone, although the sharp scent lingered. “It’s fine. Nothing was broken that cannot be replaced.”

“Yes, but…I don’t have any silver to pay for it,” she said. “I suppose you can take my feeding money. I won’t eat until it is paid off.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Vittoria said.

“No, I swear I can do it,” Inara continued. “I have gone weeks without food before, a month once, and it will not affect my work...”

Vittoria's eyes blazed, and her expression tensed into something resembling anger and disgust, before easing again. She rubbed her forehead.

“That’s not right, Inara,” she said softly. “You should not have been starved over a mistake, especially not by bloodsuckers who call themselves your family.”

Rather than calm her down, Inara seemed only to get more agitated by the words. She stared, mumbling even more apologies, but Vittoria stopped her with a hand up.

“I will never starve you," she said. "Never. I didn’t even starve my most stubborn cadets. You will make mistakes, and I will get frustrated. I may even yell here and there, or scold you. But I will never beat you or starve you or call you names, and you should never expect that from anyone, understood? Look at me, Inara."

Inara lifted her gaze, her eyes finally meeting Vittoria's.

"If anyone ever does that to you again, don't take it. Report them. And if nothing is done about it, well, you know how to reach me."

Something passed between them, and after what felt like eons of stretched silence, some color returned to Inara's cheeks, and she managed a jerky nod.

"I think maybe I should have you talk to someone, someone with more patience, who's equipped to deal with children with your particular set of circumstances." Vittoria sighed. “I'll look into it. For now, I have to do mission cleanup, write up a report, and go through the memories of some scumbags so I can put everything together the right way.” Vittoria reached out a hand. Inara flinched, but Vittoria only patted her on the head before she said, "The two of you give me a minute. Alright?"

"Okay." Arielle walked away first, with Inara gathering her bowl and brush before leaving.

Once they were out, the door closed behind them, and both girls stood there.

Arielle observed Inara, who was clutching the bucket to her chest and staring down as though she wanted the ground to swallow her. It didn't take any deep, emotional analysis for Arielle to see that she looked broken up over what had happened.

Arielle got sad over her mistakes too, and she understood very well that guilty, frustrated feeling.

However, she had never offered to starve herself to make up for it before. Her family had never asked her anything like that, not even when she broke Celie's expensive ballerina figurine as a child.

However, according to Vittoria, Inara’s family had.

It was occurring to her how strange that family was.

The way they treated Inara, like she was an indentured criminal, rather than a maid. Like she was not their family at all.

When Lady Draco had beaten her, no one had come to her aid, and it was like Inara had not expected it either. They did not care if she was hurt or if she needed urgent healing. When she spoke about Elric being the only one who showed her kindness in her life, that was unusual because family was supposed to be kinder to you than anyone else.

But Inara's family had been her tormentors.

Arielle felt discomfort, remembering the scene she had witnessed. She had not thought about it in detail before, too many other things occupying her mind, but now that she did, it was opening more doors in her mind, her understanding of Inara's circumstances widening.

Pity pressed down on her chest, as well as regret. She didn't know how to address it, how to make Inara feel better.

Arielle was not good at making people feel better about things. If anything, it was the opposite, and it was only Lyra's patience in helping her craft appropriate statements that enabled her to maintain the friendships she had at the academy.

But Lyra wasn't here. And Inara was already vulnerable enough. Arielle was worried she might say the wrong thing again, like she usually did, and it would make Inara cry.

An internal struggle ensued, and she focused on the one thing she could do.

“Where is Sir Spendulon?”

“He’s lying down in my room,” Inara said, wiping her face. “He was not feeling well this morning. " He did not even eat the lizard we caught for him.”

“Let me see him,” Arielle said, and Inara calmly led her to her room. Inara’s room was tiny but extremely organized. That could be partly because it was so sparse, with only a folded mattress to sleep on, a desk, and two cloaks that she kept in her closet.

There were packages that had been arranged neatly on the side, and Arielle asked, “What are those?”

"Clothing items that Lady Vittoria…I mean, Vittoria had bought for me.”

“You don’t like them?"

“No, it’s that they are too...I don’t have any need for them, and I don’t want to be wasteful,” she said.

"I see." Arielle often felt the same way, so she didn't find that to be unusual at all.

Instead, she focused on the dragon who had been bundled underneath Inara’s blanket, its spikes poking up the fabric, its eyes rolling closed.

Arielle went to kneel by its side, with Inara on the other side. The dragon made a scuffing noise and inched closer to Arielle as she laid a hand on its head.

She had one potion left, which she had saved for the little one, and she opened the tube and directed the contents into its mouth.

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Then she closed her eyes and visualized its organs. Just as she had done with the older dragon, she used the potion to target the vital points on the spirit path, clearing it, and then she also targeted its core.

Luckily, it was young enough that it could not yet shield its cores, and it also did not have many of them. Just one giant Calor core, with an obvious blockage, likely caused by the stress of its less-than-ideal birth, or perhaps the distress passed on from its mother.

Arielle exhaled and let herself remain extremely still, letting the universe work through her. She still didn't note the passage of time, but it felt easier than it did with the large dragon. Maybe because this dragon was younger, or less internally injured. Or maybe because Arielle had already done it before, so she knew how to do it again.

Here, the connection was a mere trickle, though, compared to the sensation she had felt with the elder dragon, but either way, the blockage was cleared, and she opened her eyes to Sir Spendulon yawning and Inara staring at her in awe.

“Did you heal him?”

“The Universe healed him,” Arielle said. Meanwhile, Sir Spendulon was supposedly waking up, blowing air through his nostrils, as he pushed his head against Arielle's hand.

Arielle let him prolong their contact, not pulling away even though she wanted to. She scratched his head instead, and his lips spread, flashing teeth, and his eyes glinted before they shut in bliss. However, his tail went in the opposite direction, wrapping around Inara’s hand.

Inara smiled as she obliged, patting his hindquarters.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” she said, and it burrowed under the blanket.

There was a comfortable silence as they both continued their routine petting, neither rushing to fill the space. Arielle didn’t mind the quiet, and she didn't mind Inara's company either, although her mind kept straying to what Inara had said about being starved and the abuse she had faced from her family.

Should she say something? What should she say?

In the end, it wasn't her who broke the silence.

“I wish I could use magic,” Inara said softly, so quietly that it was merely a breath in the silence.

“Why can’t you?” Arielle asked. “Your siblings have magic.”

“Yes." Her face reddened. “But I was never born with talent.”

“Never?” Arielle knew, from Creatures and Clans, that magic typically ran in families, and that was particularly true when it came to noble families. Ari thought that Inara could not use magic, because her cores had been suppressed for not advancing in an academy. She didn't think that Inara was simply never born with ability.

Inara shook her head, her lip quirking at the side. “When I came of age, they tested my affinity. They tried, and I got tutors as well...but I was simply cursed, I guess. Or at least that’s what they say. Typically, when a firstborn is born powerless, it is a curse, and they must be ousted from the royal family. I'm fortunate that they chose to keep me as a maid instead, rather than banishing me from the clan entirely.”

"They would have banished you as a child?"

"Yes."

"That's awful," she said. "What about your parents? Wouldn't they have said something about it?"

"They could not," she said. "My father is long dead. My mother as well; she was a concubine. I have no one."

That was unbearably sad. Arielle couldn't imagine how desolate she must have felt, knowing she was unwelcome in her own home, with no one to protect her when she was a child. No true family. No friends.

"You must have been very lonely," she said.

Inara looked down at the dragon again, whose eyes were half-mast as though he were going back to sleep. She smiled. "I was."

Arielle considered it for a few seconds, and then she said, “Can I hold your hand?”

Inara’s face reddened. “Why?”

“I want to see something.”

Arielle thought Inara might ask for further clarification, but instead she trustingly held out her hand.

Arielle took it and activated her aura-reading, poking around Inara’s body, trying to find her cores. She met nothing. There was nothing there where her cores were supposed to be.

Was that how all mundane people’s cores were? It seemed so sad. So empty.

Ari let go of her and wiped her hand on her robe. “You have no cores. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Inara said, her eyes flickering down to Ari’s hand. “I’ve gotten used to it. Only in a few moments, like this, do I wish I had magic. Sometimes I dream and imagine that I was a powerful healer or a warrior." She smirked. "They are mere dreams, but they make life more bearable. Sometimes I have them so vividly even while I'm awake, while cleaning the floors or shining Lady Draco's shoes. I completely forget where I am, or who I am. I dream I am someone else, and in those times, I'm happy, and I can make it last for as long as I dream." She shrugged slowly. "Perhaps that's my own magical power."

“Those are good dreams.”

“They are,” Inara said.

Another silence descended, and once again, Arielle struggled to figure out what to say, something that wouldn't make things worse.

Perhaps Inara noticed her struggle, because she ventured, “What kind of dreams do you have?”

“I don’t dream.”

“Never?”

“No,” Arielle said. “But if you mean dreaming in a colloquial sense of having fantasies...I suppose my most longstanding one was to have friends."

Inara blinked, surprised. “Genuinely?”

“Yes. Growing up, I did not have any friends, because I did not know how to make them. I always said or did the wrong thing, so I spent most of my time alone, or with my family. My sister was so worried for me that she paid someone to pretend to be my friend.” She looked down. “I thought there was something about me that drove people away. Maybe I was cursed too, and that made me incapable of having people like me."

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you,” Inara said, almost fiercely. “You are not cursed. You are kind, and pretty, and smart. You should have lots and lots of friends."

Arielle was touched by Inara's vehemence. "Maybe.” Thoughts crowded into her head, dimming her joy. "But also maybe, I don't know how to be a friend."

"What do you mean?"

"I think I can be very self-centered, and sometimes that makes me not a good friend.”

"No, I disagree. You are not self-centered. You are very thoughtful. You saved me."

"Yes, but then I did not think about you after I did," she admitted. "I never thought to ask how you were feeling, even after I saw what your family did to you. I never thought to ask..." Arielle pressed her lips together. "A kind person would have asked. They would have even taken revenge on your behalf."

"No," Inara said. "I don't want that."

"Yes, but...saving you was the easy part. Truly caring is hard." It was hard to admit to herself as she stared down, a part of her finally understanding what the dean had been saying to her about squeezing deeper and looking beyond the surface. Keep watching. It wasn't just about what people said and did. It was why they said and did certain things.

It was about their histories as well, knowing who they were, and why they behaved the way they behaved.

Inara was constantly anxious, likely because of how she had been treated by her family. How she had been abused and punished for little infractions.

And Arielle...she had never thought about it before. She had known about the abuse, but had never bothered to link it to Inara's character, nor had she thought there might be something she should do about it. Not because it didn’t make sense or it was difficult to comprehend. Simply because she didn’t want to think about it.

Perhaps because subconsciously, she'd kept Inara and everyone who wasn't labeled 'friend' at arm's length emotionally.

Knowing more about people made them more real to her. It made it less likely for her to ignore them and treat them as part of the scenery, and by acknowledging them, she would have to acknowledge her own infirmities, her difficulty in truly understanding or interacting with them. She would have to risk them treating her like her peers had in her childhood, opening herself up to being hurt again.

"I’m not very good with people," she murmured, talking to herself more than she was talking to Inara. "It takes a lot of effort for me to understand them, and even then sometimes I get it wrong. It's very frustrating to try hard and still get it wrong. So sometimes I choose not to try and make the effort to understand others. I choose the simpler road and keep my distance, rather than risking myself and getting hurt." Like with Inara and the twins to some extent. And even Wulfric. Yes, he had been pushy and annoying, and she did not want to be his friend. But she had never even cared to hear what he had to say about the conversation he'd had with Vittoria.

She'd never given him a chance to go from being a two-dimensional person on the periphery of her world to someone in the focus who she may fail with as well.

She knew she did not yet have the skill or energy to manage multiple in-depth friendships. She was already challenged enough by the friendships she did have.

It was easier not to try, but not trying also made her lazy with her associations, and that also bled over to her real friends. It typically took Lyra pointing it out for her to notice something was wrong. Even when Maus was feeling bad about her actions, Lyra had to say something before Arielle herself noticed.

It should not be like that. It wasn't fair to Lyra or Maus.

She didn’t know enough about them as she should, and that was because, somewhere along the line, she had stopped trying as hard, focusing instead on the things that were easy for her. Studying magic.

"I don't think I'm a good friend," she admitted. "Or I wouldn't be without Lyra. She makes me a better person."

"Lyra?"

"Yes. She's my best friend. And Maus too."

"I see," she beamed. "I'm glad your dream came true."

Ari nodded. "What I'm trying to say is that..." She didn't have the right words. She didn't even know what she was trying to say, and the turmoil of her emotions was frustrating her at this point. "I'm sorry about your family. And I'm sorry that I didn’t say it before, and I’m sorry I didn’t do anything about it."

Inara seemed taken aback by the words, blinking multiple times. However, a light also entered her eyes, and she smiled. "You did enough."

The dragon interrupted them with a huff. He was still trying to get closer to her even though she was already patting his head. He seemed to want to put his face in her stomach.

"Maybe..." Inara spoke hesitantly. "Maybe you can lie with him, just for a minute? I think he misses you."

Arielle pursed her lips. She didn't typically like sleeping next to other humans. One time she had to share a bed with Celie while her grandmother stayed with them, and she had been miserable.

But she supposed she could bear the misery for a few seconds, in her quest to no longer be as self-centered.

She lay down rigidly next to the dragon, only flinching a little when it shifted its head to rest on her chest. It was heavy, but she bore it. She continued patting it and heard Inara giggle a little, though she hid it when Arielle looked over.

Arielle closed her eyes and began counting the seconds, giving herself five minutes until she let herself get up. As she did, she thought about the conversation again and realized that there was something she had not said.

"Inara?"

"Yes."

"You don't have to be lonely anymore," she said. "I'll be your friend."

Inara inhaled sharply.

"It will be effortful, but I think you are worth the effort. And Vittoria will be your friend too. So there are at least two people who care about you."

Inara did not respond for some time. There was a rustling, and Arielle opened her eyes to find that Inara had laid down on the other side of the dragon, with her back to her.

"I'll warn you I'm not a very good friend," she continued. "I say the wrong thing all the time, and I might hurt your feelings without intending to. I’m still learning.”

"I don't mind."

"You should," she said. "Just tell me, and I'll apologize."

"Okay." Her voice sounded tight and small.

"Are you crying?"

"No," she sniffled.

"Is that a lie?"

Inara didn't say anything to that, and Arielle yawned, feeling exhaustion take over. Inara would certainly be a challenge to understand. But she was worth the challenge.

"Goodnight, Inara."