Taming the Queen of Beasts

AARYN

Everything in him recoiled in response to Eadhye's words. He stared at her, his eyes screwed up, brows pinched together.

She couldn't be saying what he thought she was saying.

Then he looked and Tarkyn's eyes snapped to meet his—full of concern and compassion, but also a wary edge. His body was poised, as if he thought Aaryn might get violent.

But Aaryn wasn't angry. He was… he didn't know what he was. He was certain he hadn't heard those words. That this wasn't what she had said. That was impossible. His mother would never do that.. She'd never leave him. Not by choice.

"What did you say?" he asked, his head buzzing until he almost couldn't hear her whispered words.

But she didn't move, didn't stop clutching his shoulder. And she said it again, as if they weren't words that sliced him open like a blade.

"She's gone silent, Aaryn. She… chose it. She wanted to go. I tried to talk her out of it—I thought I had. But she was deceiving me. I'm so sorry."

Beside him, Tarkyn turned to Rhodha and began to ask quiet questions. Aaryn heard him mention "feeding her" and suddenly wanted to vomit.

Eadhye lifted her head, her kind eyes red and bloodshot, and her face haggard. Dark smudges had appeared under her eyes, making them appear sunken. As if she were ill.

Aaryn held her arms too tightly and pleaded with her to tell him what had happened.

Eadhye took a deep breath, then patted his chest as she spoke. "She's been struggling," she said, hushed. "Ever since you walked the Smoke and Flames. We tried… we tried to go. We really did. We got to the clearing. We were a little late, but not much. Elreth was still fighting to get to you. But we never had a chance to join the crowd. She got one look at all the people and she froze. I suggested we just watch from the trees. But she found you in the crowd—you had Reth and Gar with you… she was so happy to see you with them, Aaryn. You need to know that. And she saw Elreth fighting for you and it made her cry tears of joy. But she couldn't stay. Once the two of you reached each other… We left without even entering the clearing properly. And when we got back here, she couldn't settle. We ended up walking most of the night, and next morning. Thank you… thank you for your note. She was so touched that you'd come. I'm sorry we missed you."

"Why? Why would she do this?!" He knew he sounded frantic, but he couldn't turn it off. He felt like he was ten years old again and she wouldn't get out of bed. "What is going on?!"

"She's… she wrote you this to explain," Eadhye said. "I tried to stop her, Aaryn. I've… I've been chasing her for two days. But when the others sent the signal up, I knew I had to come back. I'm not as young as I used to be. I can't be in my beast so long… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for WHAT?!"

She handed him the folded paper, and Aaryn snatched it from her, opening it so greedily he almost tore the thick paper.

He recognized his mother's handwriting immediately. The paper fluttered because his hands trembled and he shook his head as he read.

~

Aaryn,

I'm so sorry you're receiving this in my writing. I've been trying to be brave. I was going to talk to you first so we could have another conversation to remember. But I fear I will say something I shouldn't, or you'll sense it in me, and I can't take the risk. I can't do this anymore.

My life has been so dark ever since the day we lost your father. I stayed for you. Please know that. Please be certain of it. I stayed for you. Because I love you.

But I can't deny the relief I felt when I learned that Elreth had finally recognized the bond. When I saw her family embrace you. When I knew you would have everything you need, everything you've missed out on for your whole life.

I am so sorry, son. I should have done so much better. I am weak.

But that's why I'm doing this. I could never hurt myself—I'm too weak for that as well. So don't be concerned. I am not gone, not entirely. But I am given over.

I'm Going Silent.

I hate myself for the selfishness of it. I know this will cause you pain. But I am not strong enough for this anymore. And as long as I'm here, I will hold you back. There is so much of your life still available to you. So much freedom and strength you could have without me. Once I saw you in the Flames and Smoke, saw your love for Elreth and hers for you… I knew. I don't need to do this anymore.

I don't want to stop grieving your father, Aaryn. But I am so tired and worn out by remembering him and what we lost. I don't want to pretend anymore.

You have a whole family now. So much more than I could ever give you. Love them. Hold them. Don't ever let them go. I know they won't let go of you. Elia—she came to the house, remember? When Elreth was still blind? She knew what you needed, and what Elreth needed too. She is good for both of you. Much better than I am. And I spoke with Reth. He loves you like your father loved you, and it made me so happy. And—"

What?! What had Reth said to her?

The cries of the others rose behind him, but Aaryn crumpled the half-finished letter in his fist, turned on his heel and began to run.

What the hell had Reth said to her? What the fuck had he done?