Chapter 82. Honest Might Be the Most Dangerous Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Chapter 82: 82. Honest Might Be the Most Dangerous Thing That Ever Happened to Me

She pressed her lips together. I could see a muscle working in her jaw, as if she were trying not to say something.

"I counted," she said. "When you told me to breathe... I did it."

"Four, two, six... Just like she taught me. And it worked... It actually worked." She gave a trembling little laugh. "I’ve been trying for months..."

"And you said it from a hundred paces away... in the middle of a battle, and I did it."

"I just repeated what Sharon said."

"But you knew to say it."

"I was eavesdropping, remember?"

"I know." She smiled, a small, damp smile. "And I’m glad you were..."

I didn’t answer... I wasn’t sure what to say.

The night felt very still and very large.

"Roland," she said slowly. "Can I tell you something...? And you won’t laugh about it?"

"I promise."

"Before I met you... I’d heard about you."

"That sounds ominous."

"It’s not... I mean, it’s... When the relief force came back from the north, about a day after the attack on Elarion, everyone was talking about it."

"There was a man with no rank who’d held the barrier... He’d stopped Garrick Voss. And he’d run into the fire to save a street full of strangers."

"Some of the older knights from my unit were there... and they told it around the campfire." She fidgeted with her sleeve. "I thought they were exaggerating... Soldiers always do."

"I thought nobody does that... Nobody just runs in like that."

"Eh... I mostly stumbled in."

"Then I met you... And you’re so ordinary." She giggled. "You’re funny, and you’re a bit of a mess... and you let Lady Ainzfield order you around."

"And there I thought, he can’t possibly be the man from the stories." She turned her amber eyes to me. "But I watched you at Dunmore... I mean, I know that I didn’t... I wasn’t there."

"But I’ve been traveling with you for four days... I watched you with Garrick, and Martin, and Ferris... And the story’s wrong."

"Wrong...? Like how?"

"It’s too small." She said it very softly. "They made you sound like a hero... But a hero is a story."

"You’re something harder... You’re a person who keeps choosing to care, even when it hurts."

I looked down at my hands. It was a very strange thing to hear, in the dark, from a girl who couldn’t walk across a room without hitting something.

"That’s an... awful lot of pressure," I said.

"I’m not trying to put pressure on you."

"I know."

"I just wanted you to know that I..." She stopped.

Her ears went flat, and she buried her face in her hands. "Oh, I’m doing this wrong...!"

"I’m so bad at words... uhh... I don’t know how to say it..."

"I think... I like you... A lot." She smiled. "I think I’ve liked you for days... And I don’t know what to do about it, and it’s... very embarrassing, and I’m so sorry...!"

She bowed immediately. "I’ll understand if you never want to speak to me again!"

The silence stretched out. And I can hear a cricket chirp nearby.

She... she just confessed out of the blue like that...

I took a long, slow breath.

I’d known it was coming... Alicia had said so, and I’d seen it in the way Eveline looked at me over the campfire.

But knowing it and hearing it were different... I felt a flicker at the edge of my vision, and I didn’t look.

I knew what it would say... I could feel the panel hovering there like a hand on my shoulder, ready to point out the best course of action.

’Not this time,’ I thought. ’You don’t get a vote.’

I swept it shut.

"Eveline..." I said. "Look at me."

She peeked through her fingers.

"I’m not going to laugh... And I’m not going to be weird about it." I smiled. "You’re a good person... and you’ve just said something very brave, and I’d be an idiot not to take it seriously."

I tried to smile. "I like you too... I think you’re one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and I’m not saying that to be nice or anything."

"I’m saying it because it’s true... and yes, you’re unique... so much my type."

Her eyes went wide. Her whole face lit up, so suddenly and so brightly that I felt a pang.

"But... I can’t let it go further... Not tonight. And not yet."

The light dimmed. "Oh."

"It’s not because of you or anything... It’s because of me." I rubbed the back of my neck. "There’s something about me that you need to know..."

"About my class, and the curse, and what it means... It’s actually complicated, and it’s a little strange, and it affects everyone around me, including Alicia and Laura."

"I can’t tell you the whole story right now... We’re in the middle of a war, and I’m exhausted... and yeah... I’d mess it up."

"What kind of something...?"

"The kind you’ll want to think about carefully."

She looked at me for a long moment, with her head tilted. I could see her working through it, the way she did with the columns of numbers in her notebook.

"Is it... dangerous?" she asked.

"Not to you... But it’s a lot."

"Will I like it?"

"I honestly don’t know."

"Do you want me to know?"

"More than anything." I meant it. "I don’t want to hide anything from you."

"I want you to hear it from me, in plain words, with everything laid out... And then I want you to decide what you want."

"No pressure... and no obligations. If you hear it and walk away, I’ll understand." I rubbed my hair. "I’ll still be your friend, though... that is if you wanted to be my friend as well."

She was quiet for a while.

"Okay," she said.

"Okay?"

"I’ll wait... after the mission." She smiled.

"When it’s over, and we’ve found Site Nine... and everyone’s safe. You can tell me then." She gave a tiny nod. "And I promise I’ll listen with an open mind!"

"Good... That’s all I ask."

"I should warn you, though." A small, crooked smile crept across her face. "I’m much more afraid of stories nobody’s told me than of monsters."

"At least with a monster... you can see its teeth."

I laughed, a real laugh, and it hurt my ribs. "That’s the most honest thing I’ve heard all week."

"It’s true."

"I believe you."

She stood, brushed off her skirt, and held out her hand.

I took it. Her fingers were small and cool and a little rough, and I held them for just a moment too long.

"Goodnight, Roland," she said.

"Goodnight, Eveline."

She turned to go, and she made it four steps before she tripped over a root. I heard her mutter something indignant.

Then she straightened up, brushed herself off, and walked on, with her ears twitching and her chin high.

I sat there in the dark and watched her go.

’Honest,’ I thought. ’That might be the most honest thing that’s ever happened to me.’

The panel flickered, uninvited, in the corner of my eye.

[Eveline Whitehare: Trust Level Increasing.]

I closed it without a word.

I told myself I was fine.

That was the lie I took to bed.

I’d spent most of two days on my feet, and I’d poured everything I had into a fight that should have killed me.

I was cold to the bone... My head felt like a block of wood.

When I closed my eyes, the world swam. But I’d decided, on the walk back from the stones, that I wasn’t going to say a word to anyone.

I checked the panel one more time, in the privacy of my tent.

[STATUS]

[Lust: 36%.]

[Aether Reserve: Low.]

[Recovery: Slow.]

[Recommendation: Establish a new bond or schedule a partner session.]

’Thirty-six,’ I thought. ’That’s livable... That’s a number a man can work with.’

But well... It wasn’t. I knew that.

I felt it in my fingertips, which had gone numb, and in the strange weak buzzing at the base of my skull. It was like a phone battery at two percent, the dim screen, the sluggish touches, and the sense that any further effort might switch it off altogether.

A single bad night would drop me into the red.

But I wasn’t going to ask... I’d made my promises.

I’d told Alicia that I’d never treat her or Laura as a recharge.

If I walked into their tent tonight with my hand out, it would be exactly that... no matter how I phrased it. I would rather be sick for a week.

’I’ll sleep it off,’ I thought. ’ A few days of rest... I’ll be fine.’

I lay on my bedroll, stared at the canvas, and tried to look as if I was asleep.

The tent flap rustled.

I didn’t move. I kept my breathing slow and steady, and I let my eyes drift shut.

A shadow crossed the thin cloth, and two soft footsteps padded across the grass. And the flap lifted.

Cool night air touched my face, and someone said, very quietly:

"We know you’re awake."

I opened one eye.

Alicia was standing in the entrance, in a plain cotton nightshirt with her golden hair loose around her shoulders.

Behind her, Laura stood a pace back, in a long gray robe with her arms folded and her short blue hair damp from a wash.

Both of them were looking at me, with such identical expressions of patient exasperation that I nearly laughed.

"I was asleep," I said.

"You were pretending," said Laura. "Your breathing is wrong."

"How can you possibly tell...?"

"I’ve listened to you breathe for a week... and I know what this is about."

"That’s not... creepy at all."

"I’m a trained observer."