Chapter 1. Where’s My System? A Village Idiot’s Guide to Not Dying

Chapter 1: 1. Where’s My System? A Village Idiot’s Guide to Not Dying

So... I would like it on the record that I... had a plan, yes.

But fuck... It was a terrible plan, and it mostly consisted of standing in the middle of a muddy road with a cracked sword that I couldn’t hold steady, but ehhhhh... it was still technically a plan, right?

Six knights from the Kingdom of Drevane sat on their horses in front of me, and every one of them looked like he had better things to do than kill me.

Behind me was the most beautiful woman that I’ve met in this life named Alicia... oh, and there were also two wagons full of villagers, an old man who kept muttering prayers to a god who clearly wasn’t listening, and a little girl who had stopped crying about a minute ago and was now watching me with the kind of hope that made me want to throw up.

That hope part... was the real problem.

I could handle being laughed at, because I’d had years of practice... but what I couldn’t handle was people expecting me to save them when I could barely save myself.

"You can’t be fucking serious about this," said the man at the front. "Gehahahahaha!"

He was a big guy with a scarred chin and a smile like a butcher who had just been told the pigs were free today. His name was Captain Brannoch, and he’d introduced himself a few minutes earlier, right after his men ran down the first wagon, because apparently he liked his victims to know who was ruining their day.

And yes... these are a bunch of shitheads.

"Look at him, boys! I know this one before... He’s the fucking village idiot who’s been swinging a stick since he was twelve and who would’ve thought that he became an official knight who has zero worth!"

"It’s a sword actually," I said. "And I feel sorry for you to be so fucking blind just by saying that a sword is a stick."

"More like a cracked sword to me, gehahaha! That thing is fucking busted!"

"Nahhh...you wouldn’t understand that this sword has character."

A couple of the knights snorted. Brannoch leaned forward on his saddle and looked me over the way you’d look at a stain on a nice carpet.

"You’ve spent your entire youth swinging that pathetic thing, and this is all you’ve achieved?! No awakening, no talent, and not even a decent pair of boots?!"

"Hey, fuck you! The boots were a gift," I said. "Be nice about this!"

My hands were shaking so badly that the tip of my sword drew little circles in the air. I told myself it was the cold, but of course... It was not the fucking cold.

"Roland..."

Alicia’s voice came from behind me, and she sounded thin and tight. I didn’t turn around, because if I looked at her... I was pretty sure that I would lose my nerve, and then there would be a brief and very embarrassing story about the person who ran away in the middle of a rescue.

She had taken a hit earlier while dragging two children out from under a wagon, and I could hear in her breathing that she was hurt worse than she wanted me to know... I really wanted to take my revenge for those who dared hurt her like this.

"Don’t you dare," she said. "We fight together or... we don’t fight at all."

"You can barely stand up."

"So can you."

"Yeah, but I’m better at pretending." I finally glanced over my shoulder and gave her my best smile, the one that had talked me out of trouble more times than I could count.

It looked terrible, I’m sure. "Relax, Alicia... If I die here, who’s going to become the strongest knight in the world and buy you a decent dinner, eh?"

She stared at me. Her left sleeve was soaked dark red, her gold-blonde hair was plastered to her forehead, and she still managed to look at me like I was the dumbest man alive.

"You couldn’t afford a decent dinner even if you won, you know," she said.

"That’s a fair point..."

"I’m going to kill you myself if you die."

"That seems unfair, but I respect the commitment. And it also sounded illogical, but aight... I’ll take it anyway."

She laughed, just a short, shaky breath of a laugh, and I’ll admit that was the best thing that had happened to me all week. Seeing the girl that I admired still laugh at my jokes... and maybe this is going to be the last laugh coming from her that I see.

Then Brannoch clicked his tongue, and one of his men drew a sword, and I turned back around and raised my own like the idiot they all said I was.

"Alright, you fucking dickheads... which one of you is ready to face my wrath?" I asked while still trying to act strong.

And because my brain has always picked the worst possible moments to get nostalgic, I started thinking about how I’d ended up here...

...

So... before we get started into the story...

Let me back up a little, because I know what you’re thinking...

You’re thinking that a guy who talks like me has to be from somewhere else... and yep... you’re fucking right about that.

My first life was painfully ordinary. I worked in a logistics office, ate instant noodles more often than any adult should, and spent every night reading fantasy webnovels on my phone.

I had strong opinions about those novels, too...

My favorite complaint was about protagonists who nearly died, got handed a legendary system, and became the strongest person alive by the end of the week.

"Seriously?" I used to mutter at my screen at two in the morning. "The guy trains for three days, gets a cheat, and now everybody calls him a genius...?"

"What kind of fucking ridiculous world works like that?!"

"But damn... I lowkey wanted to feel that kind of world, especially if I got overpowered in an instant just to get some bitches!"

I even had a little speech prepared for the day I got reincarnated, which, in my defense, felt like a reasonable thing to prepare for...

I only needed four things. I wanted insane talent, a system that made no sense, and a life with zero debt.

But the most important thing is a harem. A large harem where all the women loved me so that I could love them all equally without having to make them go insane and too obsessed with me like a yandere.

And surprise, surprise... my dream finally came true, and it had to be painful...

I got hit by a delivery van while crossing the street with my eyes on a Chapter update... It was nothing dramatic. And it’s not the most normal or daily thing that could’ve happened, like getting hit by a truck.

And what’s even worse that I didn’t push a kid out of the way or fight a robber...

But just a guy who was late for his route while also making a bad decision, and I stepped off a curb at exactly the wrong second, and that was it...

What bothered me most is lying there on the asphalt... and it wasn’t the pain. But it was the fucking idea that I’d never find out how that novel ended.

Fucking hell, man...! I’ve invested thousands of coins in there, and I had to die like this?! This felt like a scam.

And then... I opened my eyes and found out that the afterlife had a budget plan. A really, really budget-friendly plan for what I was hoping for.

Holy shit! I was a baby in the afterlife! Does that mean I’m reincarnated...?!

Just a baby in a wooden crib, in a house that smelled like smoke and boiled barley, listening to a woman say something in a language that I somehow... understood.

But let’s just skip the boring part and get right into the most promising part.

Over the next few years I figured out the rest... This world had magic, monsters, and kingdoms that never stopped fighting each other. And yes... the people here could awaken special powers when they turned fifteen.

Some got magic, some got speed, and some got swordsmanship that made the older knights cry with envy.

That’s when I realized that maybe... I could get to be overpowered like those main characters in the novels that I’ve read.

I was thrilled. And I want y’all to understand that.

I lay in that crib thinking... finally, this is my moment! I’m going to be the main character, and an overpowered one at that.

But fuck... The universe heard "life with zero debt" and gave me that one, at least. My parents were poor farmers, so there was nothing to owe anyone...

And the rest of my wish list got ignored. ESPECIALLY THE HAREM PART.

Skip, skip, skip, and let’s get to my awakening ceremony right away. It took place in the village square when I was fifteen.

A traveling examiner pressed a pale crystal into my palm, and a crowd of neighbors watched in silence as absolutely nothing happened... what a load of bullshit.

The crystal sat there like a rock. The examiner tilted his head, took it back, wiped it on his sleeve, and gave it to me again.

I was praying hard right there... to any god or goddess in this world, hoping that I could at least get some privilege for being the main character.

But again... another bullshit.

There was nothing. And that just made my second life worst.

"Don’t worry about it... sometimes it comes late," he told me, in the voice people use when they’ve already stopped believing it.

I know that this fucking asshole is trying to make me feel calm about it, but I just can’t...!

I remember very clearly standing in front of the entire village and whispering, "Where’s my system...?"

"Where’s my cheat...?"

"Don’t tell me I got reincarnated just to be a background character?!"

"Or maybe I was an Extra that got lots of privilege?!"

"Please tell me that I could at least get a harem...!"

"Even if I get it... just please don’t turn this into a NTR genre! Fuck that shit!"