2.65: The Meaning of Living

I lay on top of my bed in my pajamas, my knees drawn up, the thin blanket bunched beneath me. The room was quiet in that late-evening kind of way.

The second of two manga lay open in my hands.

Aoi-chan bought both of them for me after the movie we watched on our date. She’d noticed how wistfully I’d been flipping through them, and without saying anything, she took them to the counter and bought them for me. She smiled when she handed them over with a warm smile.

I turned the page.

The story unfolded differently than the film had. It was slower, showing much more. Panels lingered where the movie had rushed past, letting emotions bloom instead of cutting away from them.

The tension between the two girls deepened, their training scenes filling whole pages now. They moved awkwardly through stances side by side while their mascots barked corrections at them from off-panel. When one girl drifted too close or reached to adjust the other, the outstretched hand was swatted away with a loud slap. Their eyes met after each clash and neither of them looked away immediately. It was the kind of closeness that came from being forced together over and over again, neither of them willing to be the first to give ground.

I swallowed.

My chest felt tight.

The art grew more expressive as I kept reading. Sweat beaded along my brows. My fingers curled, then stilled. One of them stumbled during sparring and reached out on reflex, only to catch herself against the other girl instead. The panels stretched the moment out, their faces suddenly close, surprise in both pairs of eyes, neither of them moving away. 

My vision blurred.

I sniffled, annoyed at myself, and wiped at my eyes with the back of my pajama top’s sleeve.

Then came the scene I remembered most.

Their confession.

In the manga, it was quieter. Just the two of them standing apart while the background faded into white. One girl looked down, her shoulders shaking, and admitted in a small unsteady voice that she was afraid. Afraid of losing everything. Afraid of being alone. Afraid that strength would not be enough if she had to keep fighting by herself. 

The other girl didn’t answer right away.

She just stared.

I felt my throat tighten.

A tear slipped down my cheek and soaked into the page before I noticed.

I pressed the book to my chest, breathing shakily.

I missed her so much it hurt.

I wished I hadn’t said what I did earlier. I wished I’d waited to see whether she changed her mind. She had come, even if she’d done almost nothing. Didn’t that mean we still had some kind of bond? Or was it only a coincidence? Even so, I wished I’d trusted her more.

At least she’d made me strong enough that I didn’t need a guardian anymore.

That didn’t mean I didn’t still want one.

I stared at my room’s ceiling, blinking hard to keep more tears from leaking out.

Maybe I won't go to training tomorrow either. She doesn’t care what happens to me now.

I’d run home earlier from school right away for the first time since we started training.

The thought filled my mind. I’d been too emotional. I hadn’t been thinking clearly. My body felt wrung out, like I’d used up something important in me.

A soft tap sounded at my window.

I ignored it.

Probably just a branch whipping in the wind.

The tapping came again. Then again…. And yet again.

I frowned and rolled onto my side, irritation bubbling up through the fog of sadness. “What is it…” I muttered under my breath as I pushed myself up in bed and crawled in front of the window at the foot of my bed.

I yanked the curtain aside.

A figure was out there. It was clinging to the side of my house. I froze.

I stared and it reached out as its palm pressed against the window and tapped again.

I knew that hand.

My face burned instantly, heat rushing up my neck as my brain scrambled for an explanation that made any sense. For a split second I wondered if I was dreaming… or hallucinating. Or if I’d cried myself into delusion, which was probably the same thing.

After a moment, after my heart stopped hammering quite so loudly, I slid the window open and took her hand.

She climbed up a little more, looking just as startled as me.

She was embarrassed, even.

“…”

The silence between us felt thick, heavy with everything we hadn’t said for three whole weeks.

Why was she here?

Aoi-chan took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Sumire-chan,” she said. “I was so cruel to you. I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me.”

“…”

“…Come in,” I said suddenly, holding her hand, pulling her inside. Aoi clambered up over the sill and spilled onto my bed with relief. 

She leaned against the wall next to the bed, on her knees her eyes fell on the book that I’d left by my pillow.

“I see you’ve been reading your manga,” she added, glancing away.

“Yeah…” My voice came out small. “Um… yes… they’re great…”

My heart fluttered weakly in my chest.

She chewed her lip. “…”

“…”

“Um… why are you—”

“I just…” She looked stricken. “I wanted to see you.”

My heart fluttered harder this time, painfully so.

“I wanted to see you too,” I admitted quietly.

My eyes drifted back to the manga on my bed. I thought about how the girls in the story had hated each other for so long before realizing they were meant to take a stand together and found deeper feelings along the way. That part always made me cry.

“Wait in my room.”

I quickly hurried out of my room, my face still burning.

The downstairs was dark and quiet. My parents weren’t up. My stomach growled loudly enough that I winced. I hadn’t been eating right ever since.

I made tea and grabbed a whole plate of cookies. I moved carefully, my heart pounding the whole time, half-afraid that when I came back upstairs she’d be gone.

But she wasn’t.

She sat cross-legged on the floor against the wall. When she saw me, her face brightened before she caught herself and looked away, flushing.

“Try to be quiet, okay?” I whispered. “Even though they know about you… They know something’s been going on between us for a long time, and I worry they might kick you out.”

“I’ll be as quiet as a mouse,” she said, nodding.

I handed her a cup of tea and set the tray down between us, lifting my own cup with shaking hands.

“Um… I skipped dinner,” I admitted. “My stomach might’ve woken them up if I didn’t get something to snack on.” I blushed and took a cookie. “Help yourself if you want.”

She nodded and followed suit, sipping delicately.

That was when I saw the tear.

It rolled down her cheek before she noticed that I’d noticed and wiped it away surreptitiously.

I gasped and turned fully toward her. “Um—um—w-why did you— I mean—are we—”

“Why did I hurt you like that?” she asked softly.

I froze.

“I thought I was protecting you from me,” she continued. “If I told you why I did it, you’d think I was lying and kick me out immediately.”

“…”

I nibbled at another cookie, thinking.

“T-try me,” I said finally. “What do you want to tell me?”

She sipped her tea again, her hands trembling.

“I can’t tell you everything,” she said. “But… hypothetically… if you fell in love with me deeply, and I suddenly disappeared… how would you feel?”

My mouth went dry.

“Are you saying you’re—” I gasped, crawling closer, almost knocking the tray over in my hurry. “Are you… sick?”

She looked away sharply.

“…”

“…You guessed it.”

My chest seized.

I clutched my hands together, tears flooding my eyes.

“Sumire-chan…” she whispered, reaching up hesitantly to brush the tears from my cheek. “If I told you I could die a week—or even a month from now—would you still love me? Would you want to carry that pain for the rest of your life?”

I couldn’t breathe.

I collapsed forward, pressing into her, my forehead resting against her chest as sobs tore out of me. My whole body shook as I cried in her lap, clinging to her like I might lose her if I let go.

I didn’t know the answers yet.

But I knew one thing.

I didn’t want to face a world without her.

She wrapped her arms tightly around me.

Some time later, I looked up into Aoi-chan’s eyes and said, “You should have told me. You’re always trying to protect me from everything.”

I leaned forward and gently kissed her and even though Aoi-chan hesitated, she didn’t turn away.

After a quick kiss, I planted myself firmly in her lap determinedly as though I never intended to leave it.

“Why didn’t you trust me?” I pouted.

“I already know how you’ll react, silly,” she said quietly. “Too well. You’ll cry over me for the rest of your life. I know it. Once I’m gone, you’ll think to yourself… I’ll never love anyone ever again… because it hurts too much.”

I thought about that for a moment, the truth of it settling heavily in my chest. Then I nodded, squirming in her lap.

“That sounds like me,” I admitted. “I love you very much. I will never forget you when you’re gone, and…” I let my frustration surface at last. “I don’t care about that. I’m mad that you wasted three weeks on all this nonsense!”

I let some anger show but tilted my head and gave her a much more passionate kiss.

After our second kiss with Aoi wrapping her arms around me, she said softly, “I never imagined that you were so breathtakingly cute, Susu.” She breathed heavily. “I always loved you from afar. The same way you always did…” she turned my face and gazed into my eyes. “Please always remember these words. These are the words that I want you to remember forever. Do not waste any time. Once I’m gone… I want you to look to those who are trying to love you. The ones that you unconsciously reject because I’m not them.”

I was confused. “Riko-chan and Yuna-chan?”

“Yes… clever girl.” Aoi giggled, then grew thoughtful, as if something had just occurred to her. “If you let them, they’ll love you plenty once I’m gone. And then it might fall to you to protect them.”

I blinked. “Riko-chan seems plenty strong… and Yuna-chan… she’s very capable. I don’t think they’d ever be so dependent on me as I am on you.”

“That’s a problem too.” Aoi shook her head slowly. “I worry that once I’m gone, you’ll lose all of your strength.” Her expression softened. “Speaking of that, you shouldn’t have skipped your training today, baka.” She touched my nose gently.

I blushed. “But… I couldn’t… I was…”

“I know,” she said immediately. “I’m sorry for that. If something like that happens again, I will help you. I shouldn’t have hesitated—but I wanted to know if our training had taught you to stop freezing.”

“I got over that in the first week or so, baka.” I huffed.

“I know,” she replied. “But we hadn’t tested it. If it’s just me grabbing you, of course you wouldn’t hesitate. What about creeps like them?” Her jaw tightened. “I feel secure now. By the way, I gave them an extra beating when you were gone.”

I blushed. “I remember the last time. You thrashed them so badly I thought we’d never see them again… but…” My chest tightened. “It was because of our breakup that they came after me.”

“Yeah,” Aoi said flatly. “They thought they could get away with trying again. You were always so gentle and sweet.”

“Did you do the phone thing again?” I asked, lifting her hands and giggling when I saw the telltale red marks on her right hand were back.

“You did! You’re too amazing!” I giggled and snuggled into her arms, feeling happier than I had in a long time. “Could I ask you to spoil me tonight?” I asked.

Aoi gasped and blushed intensely.

“Not that way.” I blushed. “I mean I wouldn’t mind that at all… I mean I’d even love to be the one on top next time but…”

Aoi staggered, blushing harder, then giggled helplessly.

“If that’s not the kind of spoiling you want, what do you want?” she asked.

I pouted for a long moment, then smiled up at her, holding her gaze.

She turned so pink I couldn’t help giggling. Butterflies exploded in my stomach.

“You are… too unbelievably cute…” Aoi-chan said, pressing a hand over her face.

“Mmmmm.” I snuggled against her, beyond words happy to hear her say that. She could call me cute a million times and it’d never lose any impact.

“Just hugs and cuddles? Those are completely free,” Aoi-chan said, laughing softly.

“Nope. A much more important spoiling,” I said firmly. “I want to sleep with you like at Shirasuna… my bed. I don’t care what Mom and Dad say about it tomorrow.” I giggled.

“Oh… what about them kicking me out?” Aoi-chan asked playfully.

“They can kick you out after breakfast and I’ll tell them everything then.”

Aoi-chan’s eyes widened. “You don’t have to go telling them about me…”

“I want to,” I said softly. “But one condition.” I chewed my lip and looked into her eyes seriously. “Never leave me again… until—”

Aoi-chan nodded without hesitation. “I won’t ever hurt you like that again. I promise.”

Sure the plate next to them is oddly oblong but I don't much care about that!

<3 This wallpaper gives me butterflies in my stomach! <3

Just click them to see them larger.