She's My Sleeping Pill

02/23/20xx

Dearest En-en,

Sorry, I couldn't finish the story last time. I ran out of paper. Hahahaha. What a lame excuse. Well, you can just think whatever reason's you like. So, I'll continue writing and I hope that you will continue to read this.

Apparently, the guy that the woman likes was studying in the same university as her. She thought that her parents purposely sent her there for her to see that the man was already in relationship with someone but, her parents denied her accusations. Since that was the case, she endured the pain.

She thought that the man would recognize her but even though they met in the campus several times since her arrival, he never once greeted her. She even purposely wore the necklace outside her clothes for him to see. She was desperate for his recognition, for his attention.

En-en, she loved that man. She loved him for almost ten years. She continued to hold on to his promise for almost five years. She never dated anyone because she was thinking of the promise they once said in their youth.

And then, she turned 21 years old. That yearning, that hope, that desperate love – she waited for him to reciprocate it. She waited and waited but there was nothing. He forgot her already. She's just part of his memories – the memories that he buried at the deepest part of his mind. She's a memory that he never wanted to resurface.

Every day, she watched them acting sweet and loving. Every day, she would hear students talking about them. And every day, without anyone else knowing, she was living in pain.

She could only go home and cry herself at night.

Despite knowing that he's already taken, she didn't lose her hope. She still continued to hang on. She continued to pray that one day, he will remember the girl who's still waiting for him. It was fine if he doesn't have the same feelings that he once felt for her. She only needed his recognition. She only needed him to say the word 'stop'. She wanted him to stop her from the delusions. She wanted him to stop clinging to this tiny bit of hope.

And as if possessed, she actually had the courage to look for him. She went to his dorm room and knocked on his door. When it was opened, there were many people inside the room. There were girls, too. And his girlfriend was there sitting next to him. Their eyes met but he didn't say anything. All the courage that she accumulated instantly vanished within seconds. She stood outside the door and smiled awkwardly to everyone.

"Sorry, I got the wrong room number." That was all she said and she ran out of the dormitory. She continued to run without looking back and then, she fainted.

The next thing she knew, she was already lying on a hospital bed. Her mother was crying beside her. She had no idea why but she could feel their distress.

Today, she's still in the hospital. She's been going in and out of the hospital for three months now.

En-en, the girl has decided to give up on her love today. She felt so tired and lonely. She realized that she wasted so many years clinging to something that ceased to exist.

En-en, you have probably guessed it already. The girl in the story is me. And I have a chronic leukemia. I don't know if I would still be able to see you but I really wish I could.

-Marian

***

03/07/20xx

Dear En-en,

I I think I become a burden to my parents now. I don't have a job and they're spending so much money for my treatment. And oh! Don't even think about asking me with my heart status. It's still bleeding but I know that I'll move on in time. This illness? It's nothing. I'll live on. So, hang in there, okay? I still wanted to see you.

-Marian

***

03/22/20xx

Dear En-en,

Is it difficult to move on? Maybe it's because I invested so much time and emotion on him. Maybe because from time to time, he'd still slip in my mind. En-en, I really want to forget him. I don't want to die with so many negative thoughts in mind. I'm even hoping that this illness will affect my memory.

-Marian

***

05/13/20xx

Dear En-en,

Forgive me for not writing anything in the past month. By the way, I heard that you got hired as a receptionist in Clover Hotel. Keep up the good work because their pay is really high compared to other business establishments. I hope you'll stay there for a long time.

-Marian

***

06/10/20xx

Dear En-en,

My parents are planning to bring me overseas. They said that there's a chance for me to be cured there. Is there even a cure for cancer? Well, I don't really have any knowledge of the medical field but I am hoping I'll be cured so I can come and see you.

-Marian

06/15/20xx

Dear En-en,

It's finalized! We're leaving tomorrow afternoon. This will be my last letter for you from this country. I don't know if I'd continue to write when I'm overseas. By the way, I saw you yesterday. You were busy working in a café. I don't really know where you get your never-ending strength. I really envy you but it's also because of you that I'm willing to fight. I want to see you one last time.

Also, I don't want to ruin your mood but there's a chance that I won't make it back alive. If you ever get to read these letters, I hope you are doing well. I hope you're happy.

-Marian

***

Cayenne cried so hard while putting away the letters. She didn't what to feel at the moment. She had been looking for her friend but because she had limited resources before, she didn't get to see her. When she married Stefan, she was so overwhelmed with other things that she had forgotten about her.

The letters were written until a year ago but it was sent to her in March of the current year but she read it in October. She delayed it so much just because there was no information of the sender.

'All along, she suffered so much without me knowing anything. She was already having a hard time but she was still praying for me. I am such a bad person.'

"Don't think badly of yourself." Stefan stated as if he could read her mind. "She must have reasons why she didn't show up to see you face to face even though she wanted to. What is her complete name by the way? I think I've seen this name somewhere before."

"Marian Wyatt."