Chapter 342: I Forgive You

Lilith felt the bonds pulling at her....all three connections strong and solid and getting stronger every day instead of weaker.

That was the problem.

The bonds were supposed to make this easier. Were supposed to guide her toward the right choice.

Instead they were just making everything more complicated.

Because the bonds wanted her to save her mates. Wanted her to sacrifice herself so they could live. It was biological. Instinctual. The mate bond’s entire purpose was to prioritize the survival of the bonded pair over individual survival.

And Lilith could feel that pull getting stronger.

Could feel herself wanting to choose death just to make the aching in the bonds stop.

Could feel her own desires and choices getting tangled up with what the bonds wanted until she could not tell where one ended and the other began.

"The bonds are getting stronger," she said quietly. "Not weaker. Every day I can feel them pulling at me more. Making me want things I’m not sure are mine to want."

Lucian was quiet for a moment. "What do you mean?"

"I mean..." Lilith pulled back to look at his face. "I mean the bonds make me want to save you. Make me want to sacrifice myself so you can be free. And I don’t know how much of that is actually me and how much is just biological programming."

"Does it matter?" Lucian asked.

"Yes!" Lilith said. "Because if I choose to die, I need to know it’s because I genuinely believe that’s the right choice. Not because the bonds are manipulating me into it."

Lucian’s expression darkened. "We would never ask you to..."

"You don’t have to ask," Lilith interrupted. "The bonds do it for you. Every time I think about you going feral. Every time I imagine you hurting people. Every time I feel your fear through the connection, the bonds scream at me to fix it. To save you. No matter what it costs me."

She could see Lucian processing this. See him realizing what she was saying.

"That’s why Victoria wants to sever the bonds," he said slowly. "So you can make this choice without the biological imperative clouding your judgment."

"Yes."

"But severing the bonds would kill you."

"Maybe," Lilith said. "Or maybe Aunt Victoria’s right and there’s a way to do it safely. I don’t know. All I know is that right now, right this moment, I can’t trust my own feelings. Can’t trust whether I love you because I actually love you or because the bonds are making me feel that way."

Lucian looked like she had just stabbed him. "You think the bonds created your feelings?"

"I don’t know," Lilith said honestly. "And that terrifies me."

Lucian was quiet for a long moment. Then he took her hand and placed it over his heart.

"Feel that?" he asked.

Lilith felt his heartbeat.....strong and steady beneath her palm.

"That’s mine," Lucian said. "Not the bond’s. Not Zev’s. Mine. And it beats for you. Bond or no bond. Magic or no magic. Cursed or free. It beats for you."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I know what the bond feels like," Lucian said. "I know what Zev’s instincts feel like. And I know what I feel like. And Lilith, what I feel for you is so much bigger than what the bond could ever create. The bond pulls me toward you. But what I feel for you? That’s a choice I keep making every single day."

Lilith felt something crack in her chest. "Even when I’m angry at you? Even when I can’t forgive you for marking me?"

"Especially then," Lucian said. "Because love that only exists when things are easy isn’t real love. Real love survives anger and hurt and the knowledge that you might lose each other. Real love chooses to stay even when walking away would be easier."

Lilith closed her eyes and let herself feel him through the bond....his sincerity, his fear, his absolute unwavering certainty that what he felt for her was real.

"I don’t want to die," she whispered.

"Then don’t," Lucian said simply.

"But if I don’t die, you go feral. Or I give up my magic and lose everything that makes me Morvaine. There’s no good option."

"Then we find a fourth option," Lucian said. "Or we make one. But Lilith..." He tilted her face up to look at him. "Whatever you choose, choose it for yourself. Not for us. Not for Victoria. Not because the bonds are screaming at you. Choose what you can live with."

"And if I can’t live with any of the options?"

"Then we figure it out together," Lucian said. "All of us. We find a way through this that doesn’t end with you dead or broken or alone."

Lilith wanted to believe him. Wanted to think there was some magical fourth option they had not considered yet.

But deep down she knew the truth.

The prophecy was absolute. Morgana had been clear. The Moon Goddess demanded sacrifice.

Someone was going to lose.

The only question was who.

Lilith pulled Lucian close and kissed him again....desperate and needy and trying to hold onto this moment for as long as she could.

Through the bonds she felt Nicholas and Sebastian both aching for her. Both wanting to be here. Both giving Lucian this time because they understood she needed it.

And she felt the bonds themselves, all three connections pulsing with warmth and need and something that felt like forever even though she knew it might only be days.

The bonds were getting stronger.

Not weaker.

Every moment she spent with them. Every touch and kiss and shared breath. Every conversation and argument and moment of connection.

All of it was weaving the bonds tighter.

Making them harder to sever.

Making the eventual choice, whatever it turned out to be....even more devastating.

Lilith pulled back from the kiss and looked at Lucian’s face.

"I forgive you," she said quietly.

Lucian went very still. "What?"

"For marking me without permission," Lilith said. "I forgive you. Not because the bond is making me. But because I choose to. Because holding onto anger takes energy I don’t have anymore. And because I’d rather spend whatever time we have left loving you than hating you."