Chapter 106: Sadie:On The Other Side

SADIE

A shaky breath leaves me. Last night, I imagined what I’d say if I could ever stand talking to Trey again. There was plenty, considering how much anger was keeping me awake. He needed to know how differently I see him now, and how much it hurts to remember feeling safe with him. A few other things came to mind that he wouldn’t have enjoyed hearing about himself.

But now that he’s standing here, none of it will come out.

"This is why I don’t want to talk to you," I mutter.

He looks briefly toward the girls by the wall, then back at me. "Do you want to go somewhere more private?"

He sounds strangely gentle for someone who just turned my club meeting into a bidding war. Or maybe I’m doing it again, looking for something kind in him because I don’t know how to stop.

I let out a breath. "No, Trey. I don’t want to go anywhere with you."

"Sadie, I just—"

"Let me speak." My voice shakes, and I stop to take a breath. "This is why I didn’t want to see you. I knew I’d end up feeling like this, and you’re standing here telling me you miss me. Do you feel guilty, Trey? Do you actually understand what you did?"

His lips twitch like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. It only makes me feel more stupid, almost embarrassed by how relieved I felt after telling him about Celia.

"When I told you about Celia and the contract..." I pause. "You know how scared I was. I told you everything because I didn’t want anything coming between us."

My eyes search his face.

"You were relieved I told you, weren’t you?"

"Yeah." He nods slowly. "I was."

"Good. Then how do you think I feel?" My hand lifts to my chest. "You knew what was happening while I was trying to figure out how to survive it. I lost my job. I thought I’d lose my medication and turn rogue. Then you helped me, and I thought I was so lucky. Do you know how stupid that makes me feel now? I was grateful to the person who got me fired in the first place."

I let out a scoff that sounds awful even to me.

"And my birthday..." I look away from him, wiping under one eye before turning back. "I’ll always remember what Ezra did. Paige. How I felt leaving that hotel. And now I get to know you helped make it happen because you wanted me."

He starts to move, but I hold up my hand. I’m not finished.

"Did you ever think about what I wanted? What I might’ve preferred? You could’ve come to me, Trey. Talked to me. Let me get to know you. Did you really think showing me you cared wouldn’t be enough to get my attention? And don’t give me that crap about Ezra being my mate. It didn’t stop you from doing everything else."

I wipe my cheek again.

"What was it, Trey? What made you think you could do all that to me?"

His silence feels suffocating with a million things running through my head, each giving me another reason to cry. When I didn’t want him to talk, he had plenty to say. Now I’m asking him a question, and he can’t answer?

"Nothing I say is going to mean much to you right now," he says eventually. "Most of it was selfish. Not all of it, but..." He shakes his head. "Does that even matter? You’re right. There were lines I shouldn’t have crossed."

"Then why did you?"

"Because I didn’t think I had a chance otherwise."

He takes a step closer, and I move back before I can think about it.

His expression changes. The hurt is brief but obvious before he presses his lips together and nods. I watch him try to look calm, but he can’t quite manage it.

"You don’t want to see me," he continues. "Okay. I’ll stay away. However long you need."

My fingers ease around my bag strap, but no response comes to mind.

"But I’m not going anywhere, Sadie. Whenever you’re ready to open that door, I’ll be there." He pauses. "And I’ll work on my shit while I’m waiting. You shouldn’t have to keep explaining it."

With an exhale, he turns to leave before I can process much of what he’s said.

"Trey," I call, regretting it the moment he stops.

He faces me again, and I bite my lip before speaking.

"I shouldn’t have to think about this right now, but we had a deal about the tutoring." I swallow. "I’ll pay you back for the days I won’t be there, so you can find someone else. If you ever actually needed a tutor."

He gives a small shake of his head. "You know money isn’t the problem. Keep it. I can study on my own."

I nod, though I’m not sure he sees it.

"I’ll have your things sent to your dorm," he continues. "Or you can come get them yourself. Just text me first if you don’t want me there, and I’ll leave." He pauses. "The code’s still the same."

He gives me a smile that barely holds before walking away.

I sniffle, rubbing my nose as I watch him go. He gets farther down the hall, but I don’t turn away. Not until he disappears, and not for a while afterward either.

There’s nothing stopping me from leaving now, except I can’t seem to get myself to do it.

A sigh escapes me before I turn and walk in the opposite direction.

I’m so tired that even finding somewhere to be alone feels like too much effort. People are passing on both sides, carrying on with their conversations, while I’m trying to work out what I’m supposed to do with mine and Trey’s.

Could I ever trust him again?

He says he’ll be at the door whenever I’m ready, but I’m scared to go near it. I thought I knew what was waiting on the other side last time. I was happy there.

Or maybe I was just a pet. Maybe the signs were there all along, and I was a clueless hamster, pleased to be fed and held while someone else decided how much room I had to move or even—

"Boom!"

I gasp, jerking back before I’ve even turned to see who’s speaking. My hand goes to my chest, my bag slipping off my shoulder as I find Lola standing beside the pillar.

"You scared me!" I cry, reaching over to hit her shoulder.

"Sorry." She’s laughing too much to sound even sincere. "Didn’t know you were that far gone."

My chest is still rising and falling when Grace appears from behind the pillar next to her, smiling like she enjoyed that too.

"Hi, Sades."

"Hi, Gracie." I adjust my bag, trying to recover whatever dignity Lola hasn’t laughed away.

Grace is one of her friends, and I have a secret animosity toward her. Though admitting it probably takes care of the secret part. They’re both psych majors, so they get to take classes together all the time. I’d kill to have Lola beside me through a lecture. Grace gets it built into her schedule.

"Did you cry?" Lola asks, taking my bag as we start strolling.

"Is it obvious?" I ask.

"Well, you’ve got zombie eye bags, but sure. Totally undetectable." Her smile softens as she slips an arm around my waist and pulls me against her side. "Come on. Let’s go to Eagle’s. My treat." She leans closer to catch my eye. "What do you think?"

I know she’s offering because she wants me to feel better. Lola can have her whole day booked and still find time to come through for me. Not that I’m complaining. Just being beside her feels like a breath of fresh air.

We understand each other without having to explain every word or look, and right now, I’m grateful I don’t have to work so hard to be understood.

I pout and bat my eyes at her.

"Of course. When have I ever turned down free food?"

"Bitch, you earn more than me." Lola eyes me, then shakes her head. "You’re never going to change. You’d let me cross campus with my skirt tucked into my underwear before offering to buy lunch."

"I’d tell you about the skirt. After taking a picture." I lean against her. "And remember, I’m unemployed now. No more tutoring. There goes my hundred dollars an hour."

"You saved some of it, though, right?" Grace asks. "Please tell me you saved."

"Of course I saved. I’m not that bad with money." I pat Lola’s shoulder. "But my savings aren’t buying us lunch today. My absolute best friend already offered and I accepted."

Lola turns and kisses my cheek. "You’re lucky I love you."

I squirm in her hold, grinning. "I love you too."