“Theater Kid Dusk|Gamer Girlie Dawn” (64.10) (Marmalade)

"I'm sorry,"

I don't know how long I waited to answer, but I went through the worst possible scenarios of what she'd tell me. Maybe she got found out and would be shipped away to East Valataran to be researched. Maybe she just hated me now and was tired of hiding it. Maybe this was all an elaborate prank show designed to get a trans girl's hopes up.

"F-for what?" I asked, my voice dry. My words also came out in a soft tone, giving me a jarring interruption in the middle of my fear where I felt a burst of euphoria because my voice sounded really girlie, the kind I wished would come out more when I was voice training, but there would be time to reflect on that later.

"I'm just..." Kalei said. "I've been asking a lot of you...I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"It's..." Kalei scoffed. "You had my back finding out about the devil thing. And then the whole lake thing. And you're like, helping me keep this whole thing secret? Like, I dunno. I feel bad."

"I'm really not following," I said. "You don't have to feel bad, of course I'd help you. And I thought that lake thing was amazing."

"I just...you're doing all this for me, and what do I do for you when you ask me to the dance? I didn't even answer you. I'm such an ass."

She was feeling bad about me? Was it entirely just about her thinking she wasn't doing enough? Or was she sad because I was doing so much and she didn't want to go to the dance, so she was feeling extra bad to reject me?

"You could answer me now," I said. "And I won't be mad if you say no."

I'll be hurt, but you don't have to worry about me if you really don't want to.

"I mean..." Kalei said. "OK, I've been thinking about it a lot. I've never been to a school dance, I think they're stupid. But...I've also never seriously been asked to one."

I had never heard Kalei's voice like this. It felt like the confidence she usually spoke with even when she was upset was gone. It was like she opened a vulnerable side up to me. I wasn't sure if she did for anyone else.

"If you don't want to, it's seriously fine," I said.

"No, no, I mean," Kalei said. "If you asked me like a couple months ago I'd definitely say no. But now I'm like...I don't know what I'm like. I mainly just don't wanna wear a dress."

"Pfft, I wouldn't make you," I said.

Kalei sighed in relief, which had me incredibly confused.

"Did you think I would force you to wear a dress?" I laughed.

"I mean! I don't know! Maybe you're big on dresses!" Kalei said.

"I wanna wear one, but that obviously has a different feeling for me than it would for you," I said. "I don't care if you go in your gym shorts, I just think it'd be cool to go with you. Because you're cool. And..."

And I like you. A lot. I didn't say that, but this didn't feel like a great environment for a full confession when I was just starting to process what I'd want to confess.

Kalei gripped her hands together with the energy of a star beam chasers player debating if they wanted to sign a contract with a rival team. But instead of a rival team, it was just...deciding she would go to the dance with me.

"Yeah, OK," Kalei said.

"Yeah? You mean yeah as in...?"

"As in...yeah," Kalei said. "Yeah, let's do it. We gotta."

I was elated internally, but somehow kept my cool. She said yes! She said yes! Well, she said yeah, but yeah is affirmative!

"We gotta! I'll make sure it's a great time," I said.

"I'm gonna hold you to that," Kalei said. She sighed again.

"Were you really that worried I'd tell you to wear a dress?"

"I dunno! I just think I'd look stupid in a ballroom dress or whatever," Kalei said. "My dress limit is hit with our uniforms."

"I wouldn't do that to you," I said.

"Then yeah, I'm in," she laughed. "God, I probably sound so stupid."

"You don't," I said. "I was just worried you'd say no."

"You said you wouldn't be mad if I did, though," Kalei said, brushing her hair aside.

"Heh, well!" I said as Kalei laughed. "I can not be mad and also be worried about it!"

"Sure, sure," Kalei said. "Thanks for hearing me out. And hey..."

"Yeah?"

"Things aren't like...weird between us after the whole lake thing, are they?" Kalei asked.

I really hoped she wasn't regretting it.

"I don't think so," I said. "We just...haven't had a lot of alone time, since. But I don't think things are weird."

"Cool, yeah!" Kalei said. "Again, just wanna make sure I'm not pushing you to do anything you don't want to."

"Trust me, I'd tell you," I said.

I was ready to say way more about how much I enjoyed our camp adventure, but held my tongue. Things probably would get weird if I got all fangirl about us swimming together. Instead, I held my hand out.

"Ready to go?" I asked. "Zeta and the others probably left by now."

"Damn, how long have we been talking?" Kalei took my hand, and I pulled her to her feet. I thought she was going to keep holding onto my hand, and pictured myself floating beside her like I was her balloon, her hand my tether to reality. She let go pretty quickly, but I was fine with it.

It took a few hours for it to start to really sink in that I'd be going to the dance with Kalei, which was for the best because I really might have floated away if I started to process any of that as we left the locker room.