“Theater Kid Dusk|Gamer Girlie Dawn” (64.1) (Lillia)

The moment I realized it was over between myself and Ko was our first kiss.

We met under a leafless tree standing tall above the snow, a fitting spot for the state we were in. What once had blossomed between us had fallen, buried under snow. We had one more fight, arguing about the same things we'd been arguing about; how hard it was to even just kiss for whatever reason, how Ko had given up studying, how I was too focused on school. So many little arguments like that built up and up and up.

We couldn't make it work, no matter how hard we tried.

And now Roxana was coming back. So Ko said we should stop.

I tried to argue for us, that it was a rough patch, that we could figure this out, that maybe we could try being more open if Roxana was in the picture, but Ko didn't want to do any of that. She fidgeted, shuffling her feet, her boots caked in snow.

"I know I hurt people," Ko said. "And I know I'm not strong enough not to get into another cluster with her. And if I hurt you now like this, I'm sorry, but it'll hurt less than what I know I'll do if we keep going the way we're going."

"You don't know that," I said. "Maybe this will be different between you and Roxana."

I'd never met Roxana. I knew next to nothing about her. To lose my first real girlfriend to someone I'd never met, because my girlfriend had such a history with her that she didn't trust herself not to resist the temptation of this person…it hurt in such a strange, alien way. As though I'd stumbled upon a silverware drawer filled with utensils I'd never seen before.

Then getting stabbed by all of them at once.

I tried everything, but there was no way forward. All that was left between us was a farewell in the form of something we couldn't do so far. I blamed myself for freezing up due to inexperience, but it wasn't for a lack of desire. I don't know why Ko had so much trouble kissing me. But at least, there under that decayed looking tree, we were able to have one first kiss, that doubled as one last kiss goodbye.

"Nicer than I even expected," Ko said. "Makes me want to stay a bit longer."

"Why can't we?" I asked.

"I have to," Ko said. "It'll hurt worse if I stay. But..."

"You don't want to," I said. "We don't have to. Just…don't go."

I felt pathetic as I begged her not to go a few more times. Again, I failed to convince her, and she left me there. I stood in the bitter cold for a long time, not even having the wherewithal to remember my Cani ability allowed me to create fire with my breath.

It had been weeks since that day, and I still hadn't recovered. I found myself lying on the floor of my dorm room, the carpet providing little comfort as I stared at the ceiling.

Oka sat on the top bunk of our bed, humming as she braided Zeta's hair.

I had kept my breakup from Oka for a while, simultaneously not wanting to send her into an anxious spiral about her and Zeta, as well as not wanting my issues to become overwhelmed by hers, but after we had a fight and made up over that, she had been a great ally through my traversal of emotional stormy weather. She kept telling me, "I promise I won't make this about me. Whatever you need to do next, I support you."

Oka had offered to not bring up Zeta at all or not have her visit, but I didn't want that at all. Even though I wished I had a relationship like they did, I didn't want to be jealous of them, and I didn't want Oka to have to cover up that aspect of her life. It was nice to have the two of them near me as well even when I was feeling great anguish.

"How's that look?" Oka asked as she handed Zeta a mirror.

"Pretty! Thank you!" Zeta said.

"You know, your hair's long enough that I could probably braid your tail to it," Oka said.

"Huh…that would feel super weird, I bet," Zeta said.

"Then we could invent a new sport," Oka said. "Call it 'braidball' or something."

"Ohhh, where you have to throw it through the braid tail hoop to get points?" Zeta said.

"Exactly!" Oka said.

There was a knock at the door. I knew who it was, and remained in place, lacking the energy to rise.

"You wanna...?" Oka started to ask, until she noticed that I still lay, unmoving in my despair.  

"Er, actually, maybe I should just get it."

Oka avoided stepping on me as she answered the door.

"Howdy, Mr. and Mrs. Cadence," Oka said. "And Nurse Lyla, too! And…?"

The last 'and' was for my younger sister, Lilith, who charged in, taking the opposite approach to Oka and promptly giving me a double stomp right to my abdomen.