“A Fan of Your Physical Form” (57.10) (Oka)

I wasn’t sure where Zeta was bringing me. We were headed to the milkshake shack it looked like, so maybe a little date snacking together? That was always nice. But we walked right past it, wandering into almost a neighborhood of beachside structures.

“I think it’s over here…” Zeta said, stroking her chin as she tried to remember something. “Maybe I shouldn’t have left my phone in my locker, dang…wait wait!”

She giggled as she spotted a circular building. Or like, half a building, with a stage and rows of empty seats. It was a little theater.

“Ta da! I thought you’d like to see this!” Zeta said. She brought me up on the stage, biting her lip excitedly. It was at the edge of the cluster of buildings, so there was a great view of the lake for the actors. It seemed a bit strange to give that view to actors and not the audience, but I wouldn’t complain if I had a show here.

“You found this for me?” I asked.

“Mhm!” Zeta grinned. “I was looking up this beach last night and saw it. There aren’t any productions going on right now, but maybe in the summer we can go. And maybe someday you’ll be part of it!”

I hated that my smile faltered a bit. I wasn’t disappointed, I was just hoping she found some secret getaway. The openness of the big stage told me it was not the mythical place I’d been looking for.

"You don't like it..." Zeta said. The hurt in her voice made me feel like someone dropped a washing machine on my soul.

"No, Zeta, it's so sweet," I said. "I'm just…I've been really pent up, and really all...rrggh! I keep not saying the things I want to say, and I'm kind of scared to say them.” My voice carried on the stage.

I didn't want to worry her. Like me, Zeta's mind went right to scary bad things like breakups or fighting when I said something vague. But I didn't have any easy answers myself. Just deep worries and unfulfilled desires.

“It’s not bad,” I said. "Well. Maybe it is. I'm scared that we really are screwed. If we can't even be alone. If I can't even say what I want to...ugh, is this it? If we can't overcome this, I don't know...I'm really...I'm scared and..."

I expected to see Zeta in the middle of an anxiety attack about us that I had just set off. Instead, she was smiling faintly, tilting her head to the side. Zeta patted my head, gently stroking my hair.

"I'm sorry you're worried," she said. "I know how bad it can get when you're scared about our future. But for once, I'm not all freaked out. Come here."

Zeta nodded to the side of the stage was a door that was slightly ajar. The lights were off. No one had told us we couldn’t be around here yet.

"Would it be much better talking in here? I—" I started before Zeta gave me a desperate, needy kiss.

"I'm pent up, too," Zeta said. "But I think we can fix it."

“I'm sorry if I scared you,” I said, relishing in Zeta’s shudders as I matched her make out passion level. "I’m just so. Everything's all bottled up, and I feel like I'm gonna burst. From me wanting something so bad."

“Oh?” Zeta whispered.

“That dream is driving me insane,” I said. My hands reached her shoulders, brushing against the tied top of her bikini. I flinched and pulled my hands away. “S-sorry.”

“No, you’re good!” Zeta said. 

“Sorry,” I said. “I feel…bad about it, I dunno.”

“I don’t think you should,” Zeta said. “If it's time for another getting through an issue together talk, maybe it's time for another ‘don’t feel bad about being into each other’ chat?”

“Probably,” I said. “But…I want something more. I really want something more. I want to do lots more. I want to do everything with you. But I’m too much of a coward to even say what I want in any kind of detail.”

“How about just start with the one you really want,” Zeta said. “Say that out loud, we’ll figure out the next steps afterwards.

"I really want to see you. All of you."

"You want that dream coming true," Zeta said, smiling crookedly.

“I do,” I said.

"I want that too," Zeta said. She pressed her fingertips together, rocking back and forth, her tail flicking about. “So we both want this."

After all the interruptions over the last few months, this seemed almost too easy. I expected a meteor with aliens to crash into the room and demand we go kidnap Chumbler and Elisa Burwell or something. But it was just us, alone. And we both wanted this.

“You’d really…? Like you remember what my dream was about, right?” I said.

“Of course!” Zeta said. “It…it’s really exciting, I think.”

“You’d be…” I gulped. “Getting naked, you know.”

“Uh huh,” Zeta said. “It’s scary, but…”

“If it’s too scary, don’t force yourself,” I said.

“I can handle it,” Zeta said. “I think I’m ready to show you. I don't know how much further than that I am ready for at the moment. But...I definitely do want more. You’re not alone there.”

I nodded. “And because I want to be really clear, I’m just gonna say it. I mean—” I coughed. “Frick, why is this so hard?”

“It’s alright!” Zeta said. “I don’t know if I’d be able to say it yet either.”

“But we should say it if we’re going to do things,” I said. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes. “When I say more, I mean...intimate behaviors. Sex. I don’t know what I’m ready for either, but I want that with you. I want to…explore that route. Of behaviors. And whatnot. Sexually.”

I opened my eyes, half-expecting Zeta to freak out and run away. But she was nodding, blushing much more intensely but still smiling.

“I want that too!” Zeta said. She laughed and covered her mouth. “I know we’ve talked about it, but it’s nice to actually say it. Well, you said it. I…” She took a deep breath, imitating me. “I would also like to explore those intimate, sexual things. When we’re ready!”

“Yes, at our own pace!” I said.

Now what? We had this talk before and things stalled out afterwards. The only thing in our way now was us. Was it fate keeping us from taking this next step? Or was I so cowardly that I was hurting my relationship with Zeta over it? Would I just falter in the moment?

“So…” I said.

“I think this might be perfect for it, actually,” Zeta said.

“Huh?” I asked.

It hit me that I rushed so quickly into making out and talking about it that I barely registered that we were in a dimly lit place with the door open. I shut that once I found a light switch.

“Oh wow,” I said. It was a bigger room than the building’s size would suggest, a storage room with a high up ceiling, with rows of racks with costumes on them, and a big curtain on its side with painted backdrops.