Novel Full Chapter 464 Self-Defense
Chapter 464 Self-Defense
If you like music while you’re reading, try “Oh Lord” by NF. It’s what I was listening to while I was writing this scene!
*****
~ SASHA ~
Seeing Zev so shaky, so off-balance was horrifying. He’d returned to the cave calling her name, wanting to check on her. But his hands were trembling terribly. He was completely naked and had been out in the snow—and the water, he seemed damp all over—and didn’t even seem to realize. He was completely freezing but didn’t even notice as he hugged her and tried to check in. And then went completely mute.
Sasha, who’d been crying herself, pulled herself together and rushed to reassure him, pleading with him to talk. He was bottling too much up. He was going to lose his mind if he didn’t start to find some kind of release!
“You’re freezing!” she cried, pulling him closer, trying to give him some of her warmth, but he just stood there holding her, staring over her shoulder. “Zev, are you okay?”
His brows pinched together, but his eyes were darting around the cave. Did he think there was another intruder? Or was it the blood? Or the fact that she’d wet the fire?
She was about to ask when his arms tightened on her and she patted his chest, trying to get his attention. But his gaze dropped to the ground behind her again, and he went still.
“Zev?”
She felt something ripple through him. Then he made a tiny whine, and blew out a breath at the end, shaking his head side to side. Sasha hugged him tighter.
“Zev, talk to me. please. What are you thinking? What’s going on? Is he dead? It’s okay if he’s dead, Zev. Just… tell me… Zev?”
He still didn’t look at her, but he opened his mouth. “I….” Then his throat bobbed as if he’d swallowed the words.
“Zev, it’s fine. You’re fine. I’m so sorry you had to do that. You’re fine, look at me. Zev, look at me, I’m here!”
She’d broken through to him, she thought. He finally looked at her—but it stopped her breath because his eyes were so dark. Not in color but in… it was as if he carried a devil on his back and he knew it.
Oh shit, what had happened?
His chest sucked in and out, twice, quickly, as if he was trying to breathe and couldn’t. Then his eyes silvered with tears and Sasha’s heart broke for him as he let her go and put both hands in his hair, gaping at the ground behind her—the blood, she was sure—
and opened his mouth, and howled.
******
An hour later they both lay on top of the furs. He’d said more than once that they needed to move because the guy would have had a locator on him when he was moving towards them. And if it tracked vitals, they knew he was dead.
But he didn’t move when he said it.
Sasha was terrified. Zev had gone from sobbing like a child to laying quietly, stroking her hair and staring at the wall. She wasn’t sure whether to push him to move—was it really a risk that they’d be found quickly?—or whether that was only going to make him worse.
“Zev, listen to me.”
He lay on his side, but Sasha pushed up to sit over him, to watch the cave opening, just in case. But also because she wanted him to see how serious she was.
“You can’t blame yourself for this,” she said quietly. “He came. He was going to take us. Take me. You acted in self-defense. Even the law wouldn’t blame you for that.”
He grimaced. “If it had been a real fight, if he’d pulled a weapon, sure. But when you’re a killer anyway, it’s not like I can claim—”
“Zev, they turned you into a killer—that was their evil. And now you’re using those skills they gave you to protect innocent people and keep them and their fuckery away from people who can’t stop it. That’s the truth.”
His eyes snapped back up to hers. He wanted to believe her, but he couldn’t let himself.
“Please, Zev. You have to listen to me. I know you were protecting me. I know if he hadn’t threatened us you would have just gotten rid of him. But… you didn’t have a choice. I can see that okay? I know you didn’t have a choice. And…”
And she was lying to him for the first time, but she couldn’t let him fall into this pit that he was fighting. He really believed he was evil. Condemned. Damned. If she didn’t let him believe he’d been justified in outright killing the guy, he was going to fall apart. And it really wasn’t his fault that they’d given him those deadly triggers. What did they expect?
Zev sighed heavily, but for the first time since he’d broken down, he pushed up to sit. He pulled his knees up and rested his elbows on them and stared at her over his arms.
“This is all ugly, Sasha. Really fucking ugly. And if we’re going to get through this for another seven or eight weeks, it’s going to get uglier. I can do it. I can get us through it. But… I can’t lose you through that. If saving us, doing what’s needed is going to turn you away from me—”
“Never,” she said emphatically. “Never, Zev. I weep for you. This is all on them, not you. If it gets uglier, that’s their sin to pay for.”
His face crumpled and he rested his forehead on his braced arms. While he breathed deeply and clearly did his best not to start crying again, Sasha kept stroking his back and whispering her words of love. And hope.
They were going to get through this. They were going to get their son. And they were going to get to the Safe Place. They’d be reunited with their loved ones and give the big finger to the team.
“They’ll never find us again, Zev,” she whispered, kneading his shoulders. “We’ll live a life completely without them. Our kids will never even meet them. Won’t know what a human is. Isn’t that incredible?”
She hoped he could hear it all. She hoped it got in. Because she didn’t have anything else.
“They did this to you, Zev. They made you this way, do you get that? That is the past, and you can’t change that. But you can sure as shit change the future. That’s what we need to be looking at. The future. Come on, Zev, we can do this.”