Novel Full 440 The locked away feelings
Jin collapsed on his knees. The chapel felt like it was spinning around him. He wanted these ominous noises and voices to stop. He wanted the blinding light to disappear.
“Shui, you have to marry…else everything…over.”
“Jin…you cannot die…”
“No! Why are you doing…I did everything that you…”
“Jun…is no more?”
“I failed…I failed to protect him…”
“All my fault…”
“I will expose you!”
“You won’t…unscathed.”
Jin heard a mix of many voices, especially Shui whose tears were loud and clear.
“Sorry Jun…I had no choice but to…”
“I never…hurt you. Please forgive me, Jun…”
His eyelashes trembled sensing Shui’s quivering voice. There was a point where he could listen to her grieving sobs which only twisted his heart.
He touched his throat, feeling nauseous of so many unbelievable things happening all at once. Not just the voices, he saw the fateful day happening once again through his blurred vision. The scene broke and cracked like when the picture on television would look distorted sometimes due to a disturbance. But he was sure that what was unfolding in front of him was that wedding day itself.
He choked and felt a strangling sensation clutch his neck. He tremblingly gazed at the clock and though its golden brilliance brought forth more pain as if he was walking through hell, he noticed one very odd thing.
The hands of the clock were ticking backwards. It was going against the natural flow of time.
The gasps of Shui crying slowly faded away from his ears and so did the wedding scene. Instead, he saw a myriad of images floating and zapping past him with lightning speed. Through the glances, he realized that the images were nothing but bits and parts of his memories. From his childhood to adulthood, there was a mix and match and disorderly stream of memories passing across his mind.
And that stream stopped at a certain point in time. It halted and Jin faced the day of his childhood when he had ruined Shui’s drawing.
No…
Jin faltered backwards, his heart racing in trepidation.
No…I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see this.
L-Let me out of here!
But it all went to deaf ears. He heard little Shui chuckling as she was merrily drawing her picture, eager to show Jun. Jin was beside her, his expression looking distasteful and filled with envy.
No!!! Let me out of here!
He trembled hard with the loud shrill of the golden clock penetrating his ears. It sounded unforgiving as if the phenomenon would not stop until the clock wanted it.
Jin was stuck there, forced to witness that particular memory. No matter where he turned and ran, the scene would simply appear right before him.
“What do you want from me!?” Jin cried. “Please stop this nonsense! It was a mistake…It was a mistake coming to this church!”
“Jin, look! How is my drawing?” Little Shui asked.
The Jin stuck with that memory, closed his ears and shut his eyes, wanting to shut off his senses. From the deepest part of his heart, he felt something trying to escape which had been shackled away for too long.
He could feel it. He could hear the sounds of its resistance smashing hard against the walls and trying to break it. He was forced to stand there and face the memory without any choice.
“Jun will definitely like this!” She chirped. “This is the most handsome I have drawn him till now. Right, Jin?”
Yet even so, he heard the voices. Even through his shut eyelids, he watched the scene playing before him and he watched himself, little Jin, growing uncomfortable and jealous. The more the memory went forward, the paler Jin became. A sound echoed in his ears of what was to come.
The dreadful sound of his deepest buried feelings.
Little Jin splashed paint on Shui’s drawing and in turn, she confronted him.
“Jin! My drawing! It’s all ugly now!” She cried. “Why do you splash paint on it! You are mean!”
When little Jun arrived in the room, Jin grew more panicked, close to bursting into tears and fearful of Jun getting disappointed in him.
“What’s the matter?” Jun had asked. “Oh, is it because of this?”
Jin stumbled back, knowing what Shui would say and knowing…
What little Jin’s reaction would look like.
Please…I don’t want to…T-this is not how it looks. This is a lie! It’s all a lie!
Little Shui sniffled. “I splashed the paint by accident…”
When Jun had left after reassuring her, Jin had asked, “Why did you help me? I ruined your drawing…”
The Jin stuck in the memory looked as white as a ghost. His eyes grew wetter.
Ah please…let it end already…
Shui blinked. “Because Jun will be angry at you. I don’t want to see that. I want us to play together and be happy! I don’t want to see Jun and Jin fighting!”
And it all began there.
It was at that point when an ever so fleeting sensation took root in little Jin’s heart. Jin saw his own child self feel ashamed after how Shui protected him instead of complaining about his actions to Jun. But he knew that feeling very well which was more than just simple embarrassment.
It might be a trivial incident from someone else’s perspective but to Jin, who always placed Jun in highest regard and who adored him the most, the act of Shui protecting him from Jun’s disappointment was a huge deal for little Jin. It was akin to saving him from a death sentence.
It was that simple incident that eroded all the jealousy which he felt towards Shui, replacing it with completely new feelings slowly but surely.
Through his moist eyes, Jin saw his child self’s cheeks turning redder.
He saw his child self turning his head away in an attempt to hide his blushing expression.
He saw his child self’s heart beating faster at the sight of a beaming and bright Shui.
And eventually as more memories passed by, he saw his child self locking those feelings in his heart forever, never for them to see the light again.