Novel Full 401 The real feelings out (2)
Jun rushed to sit beside her as he held her hand. “What stupid things are you saying? Why would I break up with you?”
“Because I was completely at fault…” Ai cried, realizing her error. I became too blind to not see things from your perspective even though…even though I know how the past life was for you.”
“You…”
Ai raised her palm. “Please let me speak. You should know how much of an idiot I was,” she paused and continued, “It was the biggest shock for me to learn how Yating wanted to make a company for me. Even more of a shock when I realized that I completely misunderstood him. I thought he was ignoring me, and I kept spiraling in that depression in my last life. But…this feeling of misunderstanding him unsettled me.”
Drops of her tears stained her dress. “I felt how lacking I was in my relationship with him. He was doing so much for me and Mom and Dad’s approval, but I wasn’t doing anything for him. He was ready to go against his father and break the deal. He only thought about our future. Instead, I kept feeling disappointed in him. Then he saw me fall that night and did nothing to save him. I felt more disappointed in him but even more ashamed at myself when I came to know of his trauma.”
Her shoulders trembled and her vision blurred further. “I just…felt like a failure as his girlfriend in the past. I was questioning myself just what was I doing for those five years we dated? I didn’t try to look for any answers. I didn’t try to understand him. I kept blaming him when he didn’t deserve it. Wh-when all these feelings erupted in my heart, I felt pathetic…Somehow, I strongly felt that I should compensate him for always thinking him to be the bad person.”
She clutched her dress. “I felt guilty. He never disappointed me. I disappointed him. S-so…when I got his message that day, I felt like I should help him out of guilt and responsibility. I-I couldn’t do anything for him in my past life. I thought that at least in this life, I should pay him back for my mistakes…I know doing this was pointless or nowhere near enough. Guess I only wanted to just do that to satisfy my ego.”
“B-But by doing so, I completely missed out on your feelings. What will you think and feel seeing me act kinder to Yating…I completely ignored you. Even though I promised you on Valentine’s evening that I won’t do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable or anxious, I did the very same thing…I failed as a girlfriend once again…Why can I not do anything right…”
Now Ai cried so much that Jun was afraid she would die of dehydration.
“First, you stop crying so much!” He hugged her hand and wiped her tears. “I am afraid you will just dissipate into thin air.”
Listening to her side of the story made Jun feel even more repentant.
Guilt…was a natural emotion to have when somebody misunderstood the situation. He himself knew that very well when Jin confessed the truth behind the events and his marriage to him and realized how wrong his hatred was towards a brother who loved him the most.
How guilt could eat you up from inside.
How guilt could make you feel miserable and lost.
How guilt was a petrifying emotion to experience.
When you realized that the lost years could never come back and somewhere, you were at fault for not handling the situation better to avoid it. That you could have done so much more to prevent the sadness and tragedy but in the end, you did nothing.
You didn’t move a single step which later on urged you to run at full speed ahead only to make up for your mistakes and the lost time.
Guilt is something nobody wants to go through and yet, both Jun and Ai went through the same path.
“Don’t blame yourself Ai,” he pressed his forehead on her hand. His warm breath softly fanned her skin. “You were not wrong in feeling guilty. I should have understood that because I have already gone through that.”
He mockingly laughed at himself. “Didn’t I feel the same way for Jin? I should have seen your feelings coming, yet I remained hung up on my insecurities.”
Ai pursed her lips. “Why are you still blaming yourself? I just expressed the whole point of our fight, which was me.”
“The whole point was me,” Jun refused to accept.
“No, it was me.”
“Ai, don’t be silly. I didn’t trust you and that’s unforgivable.”
“I paid more attention to Yating and completely ignored your feelings. It is me!”
Jun grimaced and faced her. “Ai, do you want to start another fight of who is to blame and who isn’t?”
She didn’t back down. “It’s definitely not me starting to fight. Just accept that it’s my fault and please forgive me.”
“It’s not your fault when I acted like a selfish brat. I hurt you by not trusting you. I am definitely the one responsible.”
“Why are you so stubborn, Jun?”
His gaze darkened. “Sorry for being stubborn when it’s my fault but my girlfriend is hell bent on taking responsibility for it.”
“You are an idiot.”
He sneered. “At this point, you are an idiot.”
Ai’s cheeks puffed up like two balloons, and the top of her head was close to bursting. “You…”
“Yeah what?”
“You are not a very nice person,” she pressed her lips together.
“…”
That’s the only thing you came up with considering how your words could brutally kill somebody?
They turned their heads away in a bout of anger. After a long silence, Jun mumbled, “Sorry for leaving home just like that in the morning…”
“Hm,” she hummed.
“Sorry for keeping you out for the whole night…”
“Hm.”
“Sorry for not appreciating how you climbed the swing on your own. I am really proud of you.”
Her gaze softened. “En.”
“Sorry for beginning this whole fight between us…”
“Yes-” she blinked and froze. “No. No, wait-“
“Hah!” Jun laughed in victory. “I won. I won! You accepted it’s my fault. You said yes. Ah, I feel so much better now~”
“…”
Mixing his main apology amidst other apologies…
For the first time, Ai wished she could strangle her own boyfriend.