Chapter 530: A Stranger to Myself

As night came, people rested around the campfire, eating while laughing. He hadn’t seen them in such a good mood in a while, but if you think about it, they had a reason to be so happy. After a long journey, where they barely ate and walked so much in the cold.

Hanging around a hot campfire, with their stomachs filled, why wouldn’t they be happy? This was the thing they had been wanting for a long time.

Aether also stood among them, watching as the fire burned, but without saying a word... There were too many things going on inside his mind. It was a mess; it really was. He hadn’t had to think of so many things in a while.

And it showed, since he had been having a hard time handling it all.

...

Having a hard time understanding himself, who he was.

Maybe this was the reason he couldn’t bring himself to tell Sofia the truth, because he didn’t fully understand who the person he was going to reveal to her was.

After becoming a Seeker, he’s tried to let go of his past, to not let the past deaths that shaped him as a Reader and led to him becoming so unstable get to him anymore. And he did think he had done a good job.

He also tried not to get so close to people anymore, to prevent the event from his past from happening again. In his time as a Seeker, he never got close to someone to the point where their death hurt that much.

He wasn’t saying he wasn’t sad about the many deaths that have happened around him, but it also didn’t affect him that much as they would have in his time as a Reader. This protected his mental state, and for a while, he felt good; his mental state hadn’t been in such a good state in a while

But...

Now, looking at it, he felt as if he had lost the meaning behind death, like it’s just an unfortunate event, and something that needs to happen, something that can be justified if the things that it leads to are worth more than that life.

... ’Ironic, since I talked so proudly about human life not having a worth as a Reader.’

...

He had changed, and he knew what: he was much different from who he was as a Reader; the person he had become was someone very different... but did he truly know who this person was? Was it the one he wanted to become?

And was he truly just one person?

Many times he has been contradicting himself, saying something and then doing something else. He also saw himself in many different roles. Prince, the Abyss’s vessel, student of the Blue Rose, Leader of the Withered second rebellion, these were all parts of him that he wanted to live by, yet a lot of them just didn’t go with each other.

They had different goals, which is why he never managed to get far into any of them.

It was more like each one of them was its own person, and he just took the place of one of them for a while, before becoming another.

...

He disliked it.

He disliked himself.

He didn’t feel happy.

And he felt like it had started to show; he hadn’t smiled because he wanted to in a while; the closest thing was with Keres, when he made him question himself. A lot of his smirks had started to just be moments of cockiness.

But was that really being happy?

He tapped his knee with his finger as the fire burned hotter in front of him.

...

He felt as if he was slowly losing himself, losing the ability to see who he was.

His will also seems to have suffered a lot, dimming. That was why he wasn’t able to fight with the chains that bound him, why he isn’t affected by Keres like the others were by his speeches, and why he is slowly losing hope.

He doesn’t have the will to fight anymore like he used to.

Because he isn’t the same person he was before.

Aether sighed, running his hand through his hair under his hood.

...

’What does Aether Moirai even mean anymore? What does that name make me think of?... insufferable, lonely, entitled.’ He giggles slightly; those were the first words that came to his mind when he thought of himself from another’s perspective.

Did he really want those traits to define himself?

People around him started leaving as the night only got darker, going to their tents to rest for the night, as they knew their journey was still not done yet; even if the hard part was over, there was still something that needed to be done.

Aether remained until there was no one around the fire that had completely gone out.

He sighed, also getting up to his feet.

He hadn’t gotten close to figuring himself out... but he also didn’t feel like he was ever going to do it like his... he needed to change somehow, and into something; he just didn’t know how, and into what.

He still had no idea who he wanted to be.

What type of human he wished to become.

But he also didn’t think forcing himself to change all of a sudden would help; it would just lead to the same thing. It is something that had to happen naturally.

...

What mattered was that he was open to it, something he hadn’t been until now, as he used to convince himself he was just fine the way he was.

’I better also rest; tomorrow is going to be an important day. We might reach the forest. Who knows what will happen; maybe we get attacked. I need my energy; that way I can protect myself...’ He stopped, feeling something burn inside of him, almost like he wanted to add something at the end, but he couldn’t figure out what.

It wasn’t the first time he had felt it... that little flame.

He was going to figure out what it was.