Poison Genius Consort

“Sister-in-law, drink some tea,” Murong Wanru used both hands to hand her the teacup, her movements slight and delicate. She looked every inch the warm and cute little sister.

‘Dootdootdoot, dootdootdoot…’

The detoxification system had been sounding its alarm for quite awhile, almost enough to split Han Yunxi’s head open. This tea was poisoned. Han Yunxi mentally switched on the scanning sensors, sweeping her eyes over the cup before determining that the tea contained one of the most basic toxins: a laxative.

What a Murong Wanru! She looked like a delicate and fragile flower, but she was actually a white lotus[2]! If she drank the laxative now, wouldn’t she be looking for a restroom the whole time she visited the palace? How much face would she lose for herself and the household?

Such a wonderful way to show your courtesy. Very well, this doctor will give you an even bigger courtesy. As the tea came closer, Han Yunxi hastily reached to take and drink it openly in one gulp. Right before she returned the cup her hand slipped, causing it to shatter on the ground.

“What happened?” Grand Concubine Yi exclaimed. For a teacup to break in the middle of the tea rites was a very unfortunate thing. Murong Wanru was quick to console her.

“Mufei, it’s all right. Pieces lead to peace, pieces lead to peace[3]!” As she spoke, she quickly knelt down to pick up the shards, but Han Yunxi followed right after her.

“Allow me, allow me, don’t hurt yourself.” Even as she said this, a shard of porcelain in her hand cut through Murong Wanru’s skin. “Aiya! It’s bleeding! This is all my fault!”

Han Yunxi was astonished as she drew Murong Wanru’s finger closer, sucking away the blood with her own mouth. She managed to completely steal the role of the kindhearted figure, so Murong Wanru had to resign herself with freeing her hand.

“A little wound like this is nothing. Don’t be like this, sister-in-law, I dare not accept it.”

“How could it be nothing? Someone, hurry and call a doctor to have a look! What if the injury scars?”

Grand Concubine Yi unhappily pulled Murong Wanru into her lap as she looked pitifully over the cut. “How many times have I told you? Leave things like this to the servants. Why compete to do such menial tasks? Now you’re hurt.”

No matter how Han Yunxi looked at them, Murong Wanru and Grand Concubine Yi resembled a flesh-and-blood mother and daughter pair. There was an excellent likeness in their brows. But she didn’t think much of it at the time, since it was common for people who got along to resemble each other after awhile.

Grand Concubine Yi didn’t even have time to blame Han Yunxi before Murong Wanru spoke up. “Mufei, don’t blame sister-in-law. I wasn’t careful enough.”

Words like these made Han Yunxi’s mouth twitch. This was no white lotus, but a poisoned one. Murong Wanru’s speech reminded Grand Concubine Yi to get angry as she looked over. “So clumsy, where did your self-possession go? You’re punished with…”

Before she could finish, there was the loud sound of a ‘PENG…’

What kind of noise was that? The crowd in the hall was confused, but immediately following the noise was a series of mini-explosions: ‘BENGBENGBENG, PENGPENGPENG, PAHPAHPAH…’

What loud and noisy farts!

Not only that…they were extremely stinky?

“Ah…” Grand Concubine Yi leapt up, holding her nose as she backed far away, face filled with loathing. “You farted! Smelly, stinky! Hurry up and leave!”

This time, everyone’s eyes rested on Murong Wanru, whose face was a violent shade of red, like a monkey’s bottom. It was only after the first fart that she realized, yet her attempts to hold it back were of no avail.

“Mufei, I…”

Before she could figure out how to explain, her butt went out of her control to release another successive series of farts, completely overtaking the scent of flowers in the room. The obsessively clean Grand Concubine Yi couldn’t take this at all and was on the verge of throwing up. She anxiously stamped her foot and yelled, “Someone take her out immediately! Don’t let her spoil my room!”

“Ah…” Murong Wanru gave a short shriek as she farted again. Heavens! How did it turn out like this? She clamped her legs together, almost wanting to cry but not daring to speak another word. Seeing the scornful look of the people around her, she felt awkward enough to jump into a crack somewhere and hide. This was extremely shameful, especially before the Duke of Qin. How was she supposed to face people in the future? What was wrong with her? Two servant girls prepared to pull her away, but suddenly another PENG released a splatter of excrement!

Immediately afterwards, the successive explosions were like a flowing, rushing river that completely stained her pants.

“Ah…ahhh…AHHHH!” Grand Concubine Yi couldn’t take it anymore and ran out screeching.

A disgusting stench filled the room. With Grand Concubine Yi gone, everyone else followed suit to flee too. There was only Murong Wanru left in the room, crying as she continued to go on as before.

How did it turn out this way? So shameful! How was she supposed to face people in the future? Who was going to tell her what was the matter? She clearly meant to drug Han Yunxi with a slow-acting laxative. Sitting in a nest of her own filth, Murong Wanru could neither rise from her seat or stay in place. She was completely at a loss–who could save her?!

Han Yunxi followed Long Feiye out the door before she released a snort and laughed. When she casually turned back, she saw him staring at her.

Aye, aye…

She suppressed her smile and covered her nose with her hands. “Your highness, it smells. Let’s hurry on to the palace.”

“You directly poisoned her wound so it would take effect faster?” Long Feiye asked in a low voice.

“How could that be possible? Your highness shouldn’t make false accusations,” Han Yunxi’s eyes curved into crescent moons as she smiled a very pretty smile.

-o-

[1] like a rushing river (一泻千里) – yixie qianli, literally to “rush down a thousand li”, or “flow powerfully”.

[2] white lotus (白莲花) – bai lianhua, refers to a two-faced woman who might look one way but act another. Pretty sure there’s a cultural reference attached to this if you’re interested in looking it up.

[3] pieces lead to peace (碎碎平安) – suisui pingan, she’s using a homonym for a lucky phrase here. Suisui (碎碎), or pieces, sounds like Suisui (岁岁) or ages, in Chinese. The term 岁岁平安 means peace year after year, so to mitigate the bad luck of the broken tea cup, she’s using pieces in place of ages.