Chapter 40 Punchline.

Chapter 40: 40 Punchline.

Sheriff Miller stood on my porch, looking tired but alert. His hand rested casually near his service weapon—not threatening, just careful. I recognized the look from my brief stint working concert security in college.

"Evening, Mr. Coleman," he said, tipping his hat slightly. "Mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"Sheriff," I acknowledged. "Something I can help you with?"

"Funny thing," he started over as his eyes scanned the interior of my house. "We had an incident in town tonight, I’m sure you heard. Strange purple lights, portal opening, some kind of big, hairy creature. And wouldn’t you know it, I spotted you heading that way, all dressed up like you were going to the renaissance fair in the dead of night."

I kept my expression neutral. "Is it illegal to cosplay now?"

"No son, it’s not. But it’s interesting timing. Especially since you were with your..." he glanced at Elsa and Ayra, who were trying to look casual and failing spectacularly, "houseguests." I looked back at them and almost snorted when I saw that Elsa was wearing a towel from underneath one of my potted plants over her head to cover her ears.

"We heard the emergency broadcast," I said, which was technically true. "Thought we’d drive by, see if everyone was okay. The girls were curious, out-of-towners as they are. Looked like the authorities had it handled by the time we arrived."

"Uh-huh." Miller’s gaze shifted to Ayra, whose tail was making suspicious movements under her loose shirt. "You know, when the portal opened up, there was this bright, purple light. Reminded me of some things I heard about this place recently. Didn’t I talk to you about purple lights spotted out here?"

"Did you? I don’t recall," I said.

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. "Mr. Coleman, I’ve been sheriff around here for seven years, a cop for twenty-eight. I’ve seen a lot of strange things, especially since the Countess moved in. But portals opening up in my jurisdiction, spitting out huge monsters? That’s new. So is a group of uncommonly attractive twenty-somethings LARPing in town at one in the morning."

"Yeah, that’s a lot to unpack, Sheriff, I agree."

"Just an observation." He pulled out a small notebook. "Want to know what else I’ve observed? You moved here a bit before the purple lights started. You’ve got two absurdly attractive women living with you, if you don’t mind my saying, ladies, both of whom appeared out of nowhere somewhere in the last week or so. And now when something weird happens, the three of you are suited up like you’re expecting trouble."

The silence stretched on for a while. In the background, I could hear only Ayra’s nervous panting. The sheriff’s gaze went past my shoulder to squint at her when he noticed it too. "Is she going to be okay?"

"She’s fine. She’s doing breathing exercises. Is there a question in there somewhere?" I asked finally.

Miller closed his notebook. "Not yet. But there will be. Whatever’s going on, Mr. Coleman, I hope you know what you’re doing. This county’s got enough supernatural problems without importing new ones."

"Are we done here?"

"For now." He touched his hat brim again. "You have a good night. And maybe think about what you’d like to tell me next time we chat. Because there will be a next time."

I watched him walk back to his cruiser and felt the weight of this interrogation hanging in the air around me as heavily as summer humidity. As his taillights disappeared down the road, I did something I hadn’t done since buying this place: I went out there, closed, and locked the front gate.

"Well," Elsa said as I came back inside, "that seemed ominous."

"He knows," Ayra whimpered. "The ancient human lawkeeper has deduced our secrets!"

I shook my head and furrowed my brow. "First of all, he’s like forty-eight, maybe. And he suspects," I corrected, locking the front door for good measure. "There’s a difference. But yeah, this definitely complicates things."

I flopped onto the couch, suddenly exhausted. In the span of one day, I’d taken the girls to town, learned that I was a walking portal beacon, witnessed skeleton janitors at work, and been put on notice by local law enforcement. My quiet retirement was officially over.

"Perhaps we should relocate," Elsa suggested. "Find somewhere even more remote. So long as I’m shuttled and carried at all intervals of the journey, I believe I can manage."

"Nowhere’s remote enough if portals follow me," I pointed out. "At least here, Beaumont’s crew can handle overflow if we fuck up again. Imagine if one opened in downtown Chicago or something."

"What’s a Chicago?" Ayra asked, then shook her head. "Never mind. What matters is protecting you, Master. If this lawkeeper threatens you, I shall defend—"

"We’re not attacking cops," I said firmly. "We’re definitely not starting a war with local law enforcement or the government—which includes the Countess. We’ll figure this out ourselves, one day at a time."

"How?" Elsa asked, batting her eyelashes, maybe accidentally, as she looked up at me.

It was a good question. I was a shelf stocker turned lawsuit winner turned monster slayer saddled with two gorgeous women from another world, living next door to Vampire Central, apparently serving as a magnet for interdimensional invasions. My life had gone from comfortably isolated to spectacularly, hornily weird in record time.

"One crisis at a time," I decided. "Right now, I need a shower and about twelve hours of sleep. Tomorrow we can figure out how to deal with Sheriff Miller, portal management, and whatever else the universe throws at us."

"A sound plan for the time being," Elsa approved. "I always say, why rush to action today when a problem can be managed tomorrow—or much further down the line. Though perhaps we should establish a watch schedule? In case of nocturnal threats?"

I started to object outright, then realized she had a point. With the sheriff suspicious and portals apparently following me around, we couldn’t afford to be careless. Even so, it felt like overkill at this point. Things hadn’t really changed—it’s just that our understanding of them changed. There wasn’t any reason for alarm.

"I don’t think that’s needed. But if you’re staying up, keep short shifts. Wake me if anything explodes, catches fire, or shows up demanding tribute, I guess, but I’m sure we’re fine."

"What about your promised discipline for my behavior? I know your cruelty bubbles beneath the surface of your gentle facade, Master, just waiting to punish me like the bitch I am," Ayra said hopefully, batting her eyelashes.

I sighed. "Rain check. Again."

Her ears drooped, but she nodded. Both girls didn’t let me go without peppering me with a dozen kisses each, and Ayra even attempted to go up with me when I announced I was going to take a shower, but Elsa predictably put a stop to that. Honestly, as tired as I was, I was more than okay with it.

In the shower, hot water pounded away the day’s stresses. I still couldn’t shake the feeling that this was all just the beginning of something big, though. It was all connected somehow. Add in Juniper’s eventual arrival, and I had a perfect storm brewing, I was sure.

But as I toweled off and crawled into bed, I found myself feeling oddly calm. Maybe it was exhaustion. Maybe it was acceptance. Or maybe I was starting to enjoy the madness.

The universe, it seemed, had a twisted sense of humor.

And I was the punchline.