My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

Once again, I was sorely reminded of just how goddamn deceptive Tyler's five-star rating was on the app.

Eyes on the road, hands on the wheel, easy on the pedal, is that seriously too much to ask? Well, it seemed so, apparently… a gaze into his eyes, and you'll see there was utterly no trace of him anywhere, the only one present, the only thing reflecting back was a dark, sullen figure in the backseat, and nothing more.

I'll give him this, for once Amelia actually did look her part in elegance and grace… all she needed to do was keep her mouth shut for once, get rid of that scowl, and I could somewhat see her appeal… if only slightly, and all it took was for Adalia to lean on her a little slight, rest her eyes, and drift away, for Amelia to show the softer, more demure side of her. 

At one time, I felt the hardest, firmest poke on my thigh, the electrifying kind, and I turned annoyed only to find Tyler staring back, and frankly, I don't think even Amelia had stared at me the way he did right then. It was like a jumpscare, I even heard the "boom!" resounding in my head the instant I saw his expression on me.

"Big man…" He muttered quietly, his usual springy boisterous self taken somewhere in the back and shot in the head. "You say she's taken, you say she's also your girl, and you see that lake on our right? Hey, have you ever tried the twenty-four hours underwater in a Lambo challenge? Most people haven't." 

The sound of the engine whirred just the slightest bit louder, his grip on the steering will just the slightest tighter…

"Not taken, not mine, no lakes, no challenges," I said, nodding my head so hard and fast I could feel brain bashing against my skull. "I'm not a very good swimmer either, just thought you should know." 

"Oh, for real," Slowly but surely, he was coming back down, his old self resurrecting from the grave like a Messiah in the nick of time, soon he had a smile again, shoving me playfully on the shoulder like he didn't just threaten to make me fish food. "Shit, you should have just said so, man! Damn! Ah alright, I'll let you off, I'll let you off… no problemo."

Maybe I should also report a potential mass murderer while I'm there at the station… call in through an anonymous tip or something.

"Oh yeah," Tyler spoke out a little louder, clearing his throat, and nervously glancing up at the rearview mirror. "My name's, uh, you can call me, uh, you know Tyler? I mean - I'm Tyler! My name's Tyler! Do you know me?"

"No, I don't," an instant answer from a voice so little with patience. "And I don't care to know you."

"Oh, cool!"

Oh, cool?

"Yeah, I get that a lot actually, haha!"

You get that a lot actually, haha? The fuck?

Don't think this boy knows how it looks when a snake's bracing to strike, for he just doubled down anyway.

"Y-Your name? like Tyler? I mean like me! I mean - what's your name? I'm Tyler by the way."

Yeah, I think she got that, dude.

And just like before, the vampire spoke out with little sense of courtesy, "I would rather not have my name to be besmirched by the sound of your grating voice! Please stay your tongue, or instead I will be more than willing to do the honor of gouging out your - "

"My sister's name… is Amelia…" light breathing, snuggling more on her shoulder, Adalia spoke, "She says… it's very nice to meet you…"

Unrighteous anger and instant murder mode wasn't a valid option when it came to her sister, so, unfortunately, Amelia had to settle with a reaction that looked as if someone smacked her facefirst with a cherry pie.

"Adalia…" She said breathlessly, disbelievingly. "Why did you - ?" 

"Friend… Good friend…" Adalia murmured, slumber fully taking over. "Be… nice…" 

"Amelia!" Tyler spoke out, saying her name like it was the most beautiful thing he's ever heard and uttered in his life, and he just couldn't get enough of it either. "So you're Amelia, huh? That makes sense, Amelia, Adalia, yeah, that's nice, that's clever. Amelia's a nice name, rolls of the tongue, Amelia… wow, Amelia. Can call you Ame too! Good nickname? No? Anyway I think it's probably one of my favorite names now, Amelia is - "

"Once more!" Amelia bared her fangs at him, hissing, because who gives a shit about hiding signs of vampirism anymore, right? "Say it once more! Say my name once more, I beseech you, please give me a reason to stand for your meaningless demise!" 

"D-Demise?" Tyler paused, and for a moment I thought I saw concern, I thought I saw fear, rationality maybe, then he spoke again, and I realized that no, I was only seeing stupidity. "What that's - like a sandwich? Sorry, English no bueno very good. But sounds like you know plenty, Amelia. If you don't mind, uh… well, uh… you could give me some private lessons, I-I'll even pay for it!" 

"Oh, by the Divines…" seeing the utter futility of her threats, Amelia then decided to turn to me next. "Speak some sense into this insect before I crush his limbs with my bare hands."

I could… but how about I don't? How about I let him talk? How about screw you? How about having a taste of your own medicine for once? Not like you could do anything about it if the alternative is upsetting your darling sister over there, right? 

I turn over to Tyler, ignoring the literal embodiment of malevolence hovering just inches behind my shoulder, "You know, actually… she's staying over at my place for a few days. If you'd like, you can drop by whenever you're free, get your lessons there. I'm sure she wouldn't mind." 

Tyler's eyes twinkled. No, I swear his eyes literally twinkled. And I think I must have fizzled his brain temporarily because I had to manually turn the wheel for him before we ended up going to the police station for other reasons. 

"F-For real, Big Man?" He asked, staring up at me like I was all his childhood hopes and dreams reincarnated. "You… you mean that, really? Like, for real?" 

"No, not for real, not for real!" Amelia was in a panic now, realizing her sharp tongue proving no use to her. She stuck her head out towards me, her usual intimidating scowl replaced with a helpless, pleading gaze. "Stop, stop it! You're inconveniencing me! You realize this?"

"You've inconvenienced me," I threw back at her. "You realize this?" 

"Okay, I realize your intentions and I understand… I've overstepped my boundaries… and for that I'm… I'm sorry, alright? T-truly…" She looked like she was about to choke just saying it, just… the sheer agony on her face, man…

Was I going too far?

Eh, don't think so.

"Yes, I know," I replied, a smile so bittersweet the last thing she'd see on my lips before they parted open, saying, "That's why I'm sorry too." 

I pressed the button, launched the missile, mutually assured destruction. I don't mind Tyler's voice echoing in the walls, I don't mind damning myself that way so long as I hear hers screaming back alongside it. 

"Yeah, Tyler," I continue to say, never once straying my eyes from the despair brimming in hers. "Anytime you want, anytime you wish… you bet she'll be there, right Amelia?" 

And there came the sound of the missile exploding, the resounding boom, the mushroom cloud in the sky, Tyler cheering high in the heavens, sealing our fates, both Amelia and mine, forever.

"Fuck yeah, It's a date, then!" He said, his blind enthusiasm overlooking the somberness on her face. "Hey, can I have your number? Your insta? Twitter? Tiktok? Mind taking a selfie?" 

"I hate you," Amelia whispered to me, staring daggers. "From the bottom of my heart, sincerely I - !"

A flash of light momentarily interrupted her, blinded her, hissing harshly, fangs protruding. 

"Man, you two sisters are really into that goth emo vampire look, aren't ya?" Tyler remarked, looking down at the image on his phone - him doing peace signs, while Amelia had this stupid stunned look in the backseat. "Not that's a bad thing," He continued, smiling up at her reassuringly. "You chicks wear that look good! Like… mwah! What's that word in Italian? Touche, yes! Perfecterino! Absolutely poggerita senorita!" 

Think that's Spanish now, actually…

Once again, if looks could kill, Amelia would be the most-renowned mass murderer of the 21st century no contest. 

Y'know in a cathartic, sorta slightly sadistic way… it was kinda fun poking fun at Amelia's expense. With reactions like hers, growls like that, who wouldn't want to poke the beehive a bit more? 

"You will rue this moment," Amelia spoke again. "Today, and for all days, you will learn the meaning of crossing one of the descendants of the Elidna! You will feel the full wrath of my - !"

"Shh," I said, raising a finger to my lips, and pointing at the slumbering figure against her shoulder with the other. "Be nice now." 

So much fun indeed.