My Pick Up Artist System

Stuck in the staff bathroom that turned into a gastrointestinal chamber…Ben held his breath as his face turned blue!

He didn't take a big breath before he went under, not daring to sample this Cincinnati air freshener…

Now, Ben was in deep sh*t!

It was like an episode of Fear Factor! 

Although he'd taken some potions and worked out, it didn't mean his lung capacity was incredible. He lacked experience holding his breath in bathrooms. It's not like he was a deep sh*t diver!

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:19]

Glancing at the clock, as the precious seconds ticked down, Ben didn't understand how things could've gotten so bad, and cursed his bad luck. 'Is this karma for the fart bomb?!? I shouldn't be punished for this! I haven't even launched it yet. This is pre-crime!'

He wasn't being judged on the crime, but on his intent to fart…

Even so, there was nothing he could do. Turning back around, he stared at the doorknob, his brain going into overdrive to find a solution.

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:17]

'Staying in here won't work!'

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:16]

'But rushing out isn't an option!'

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:15]

"Hurry up!" The waitress yelled from outside the door as she looked at her watch. She needed to get back to work.

With no way out, Ben glanced down at his little brother who was on his last seconds of life. 'I'm so sorry. I didn't protect you…'

Ben's face shook with unwillingness, as veins throbbed on his forehead, because he was about to lose the closest person-ified penis to him…

Also, because he was still holding his breath and about to pass out…

With less oxygen flowing to his brain, his mind slowed down, making it even more difficult to think up a way out of this.

The only thing that still burned strong inside him was the deep guilt over the impending sausage slaughter…

Turning back around to glance at the lazy river of poop…Ben's face became firm as he made a decision. 'Don't worry little bro. I won't let you die alone…' Ben decided that as a show of comradery, he'd commit septic suicide! A bushi's seppupu!

He would breathe in the poison!

…

His expression was resolute. 'I'll meet you in heaven, little bro. You'll be open casket. I'll be open toilet…'

…

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:09]

Glancing at the clock, Ben knew there was no way he'd make it now, and resigned himself to die by buttstard gas…

Yet, as his execution time approached, a distant voice came from outside. "Bridgette, what are you doing? Come here, I need your help!"

Realizing something was happening, Ben put his ear to the door. From there, he heard the sounds of hurried footsteps moving from the front of the restroom and into the distance! It made his eyes pop out! The governor called to pardon him!

A spark of life reignited in his pupils! 'I want to live! I don't want to breathe this Samoan Febreze!'

...

When the footsteps drifted off, Ben opened the door in a hurry and stuck his head out of the bathroom. He then peeked in both directions, like a man who sh*t his pants…

Struggling for air, he also took a huge gasping breath! A loud one! While at the same time, the door creaked, making a lot of noise!

Wincing, Ben peered at the bouncer's position, knowing that if he heard that, it would be over!

There, Ben saw a view of the big guy…but it was only his back. The club music from the dancefloor was still heavy enough that he didn't hear anything.

Ben looked at the clock.

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:03]

Turning pale, he sprinted towards the fart bomb!

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:02]

He saw it ahead, leaned down and reached out for it!

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:01]

He grabbed it! But his forward momentum sent him to the floor!

[Remaining time until activation of Fart Bomb Pheromones: 00:00:00]

*Thud*

Ben crashed into the floor! The timer expired!

...

*Pant* *Pant*

Gazing up at the ceiling while lying on the hard nightclub ground, Ben winced, appearing like a man whose d*ck no longer worked...

However, his hands, were empty...

As for the fart bomb? It was in mid-air! Over the VIP section!

He'd done it!

At the last moment, Ben twisted his body sideways and made an acrobatic throw like a baseball fielder!

In the crucial moment, he went A-Rod to save his A-Rod!

Those potions weren't for nothing! Digging deep, he pulled off the play of a lifetime!

Then, as he gazed at the fart bomb arching down…

*Poof*

It exploded! Sending magical gray smoke only he could see over the entire VIP area!

Exhaling with deep relief, Ben moved onto his side, posting his elbow on the ground and resting his head on his hand, getting comfortable while he rested a moment. He wanted to watch the smog drift down, feeling all sunsets paled in comparison to the bootyful splendor of these freedom fumes...

For him, this scene was the essence of America...

However, the fart bomb, wasn't the end of the matter.

A deep voice came from nearby. "What the hell you doing, boy?"

Hearing this, Ben looked up, and saw the bouncer approaching him with malice in his eyes. Ben understood why too, because at the moment, he was laying down on the floor of the staff area, with one leg crossed over the other like he was having a picnic. It was as if he was telling the bouncer: "Draw me like one of your French girls..."

As such, watching the bouncer stalk towards him, Ben couldn't avoid getting nervous. 'He doesn't look like he's enjoying this pose...'

This was trouble now. Ben had gotten to the treasure but only by sneaking around the guardian, and that was no longer an option. 'What do I do?' He knew his current position was too strange and difficult to explain, but then, he recalled this was a party, and came up with an idea.

A few seconds later, the bouncer's expression changed from fury to disgust, as he watched Ben perform the worst breakdancing moves of all time.