Chapter 658 - 438: The Pressure Cycle

A lamp glowed on the desk, and the room was so still it was as if someone had hit a mute button.

Its warm yellow halo illuminated Jiangg Ning’s cheeks. She was a bit drunk.

The thick curtains blocked out the sound of the wind outside.

Jiangg Ning was happy tonight, so she’d had quite a bit to drink. By her usual standards, she was nearing the point of hazy consciousness. She had forced herself to stay lucid because she had to see people off.

She retreated to the undisturbed study and took a long time to steady herself, finally recovering from the feeling of the world spinning around her.

For a long time now, Jiangg Ning had felt the countless pressures of life weighing down on her.

But now, she felt an exhilarating sense of release, as if she’d been reborn.

Because "growing up" had always been a false promise.

She had always thought she had already grown up. When she was protecting and taking care of her younger sister, her uncle would always say she acted like a "little adult." She thought she had grown up then, but she hadn’t.

When she studied abroad, she faced an unfamiliar environment all by herself. She had to overcome all sorts of challenges, and she did, earning the degree she wanted. She thought she had grown up then, but she hadn’t.

When she took her sister and left Mingzhu City for Lanjing, they had to face the mundane realities of life. They managed well. She was satisfied with her job and the sense of honor that came with being a teacher. She had left the ivory tower of academia to become a contributing member of society. She thought she had grown up then, but she hadn’t.

She ran; she chased.

But she didn’t understand what exactly she was chasing.

It was a vague, general concept, something she could never touch.

She wanted it so badly. Every time she thought she’d finally grasped it, a little while later she’d realize it had slipped through her fingers.

That was why she felt "growing up" was a false promise, just empty, high-sounding words.

Then she discovered she was wrong again.

After going around and around in circles, Jiangg Ning finally realized that what she wanted wasn’t to "grow up" at all.

That was something you did to prove yourself to others. It was meaningless in the real world. It brought no benefits once you achieved it...

’I don’t crave that.’ In all those moments, Jiangg Ning had never once realized it.

When she got the news that the company was being acquired, she slowly started to piece things together. Once she understood what had really happened, she felt an immense happiness wash over her.

It was a dizzying sort of happiness.

’I’m ashamed to admit what I was thinking at that moment.’

’I’m stunned by the sweetness and joy I feel inside.’

Now, in her drunken state...

As she thought back on her twenty-odd years of life...

Jiangg Ning realized she didn’t enjoy the process of endless struggle. It was all a self-deceiving illusion.

Because of her background, because of everything she’d seen, because of her deceased father and her innocent little sister, the precocious child Jiangg Ning had built an infinite loop into her still-developing worldview: a pathological need to believe in and rely only on herself.

Only in that way could she become strong, escape misfortune, and have a happy life.

This loop made her ignore her own feelings, made it impossible for her to stop and take a good, hard look at herself.

She suddenly realized something incredible.

When a young Jiangg Ning stood up, grabbed the discipline ruler from Jiangg Ruxue’s hand, and told her to stop...

After high school, when she was studying abroad and was stared down by a homeless man on a rainy day, forcing her to hide alone on an unfamiliar street corner...

When she moved to Lanjing and had to haul countless bags into her apartment, only to find the elevator was out of service, forcing her to drag everything up the stairs...

Countless times, she had fantasized about someone standing by her side.

Someone to block the ruler for her, to stand in front of her, to sweep up her bags in their arms.

That person would be as warm and trustworthy as her father.

That person’s shoulders would be not too wide and not too narrow, just right for her to lean on.

Being self-reliant and constantly solving problems can indeed bring an immense sense of accomplishment. That feeling can nourish a person, pushing them to climb ever higher and forging a resilient character.

But Jiangg Ning’s case was a bit too pathological.

Her stubbornness had already begun to trip her up.

If this long-term self-suppression didn’t find an outlet, it would eventually cause an unimaginable backlash.

People need to be vulnerable sometimes, to let their emotions out.

Jiangg Yao always said her older sister was a scary person, that she must be hiding a violent maniac deep down. This was likely the conclusion she’d drawn after witnessing her sister’s self-suppression for so many years. It wasn’t an exaggeration.

In other words, anyone who puts themselves under that much pressure for a goal is a ruthless person.

Time ticked by. Once Jiangg Ning had sobered up a little, she rubbed her cheeks and rose from her chair.

A series of THUDS echoed from the study as some precariously placed books fell from a shelf to the floor, but Jiangg Ning paid them no mind.

She pushed aside the bookshelf, opened the box Jiangg Ruxue kept hidden there, and took out a photo of her father with a young Jiangg Ruxue.

Looking at the familiar yet strange face of her father in the photo frame, Jiangg Ning had so much to say, but in the chaos of her thoughts, she couldn’t find a place to begin.

She wanted to tell him how hard this whole ordeal had been; how after she left her grandparents’ house, she was in despair and desperately wanted to find a place to cry her heart out, but she felt it was too embarrassing. She wanted to say she didn’t actually blame her grandparents or her uncle; after all, their mother had made such an ugly scene back then, leaving no room for pleasantries, and she could understand that. She wanted to say that she and Yaoyao were living well now, but they’d run into a problem she couldn’t solve, and she just couldn’t figure out the answer. She wanted to say that even if they had to live in poverty in the future, she wouldn’t complain, as long as their mother was safe.

She wanted to say:

’Dad, you must be proud to have a daughter like me. I can take care of my sister, and I’m taking care of Mom, too.’

’You must be so relieved, watching from heaven...’

...

「Downstairs.」

Chen Yuan was quietly comforting Jiangg Yao.

"You’re wrong to think that way. You can’t say you’re useless. If I had come back to Lanjing with you and found out about this, we would have done the same thing—try to find a way to solve it first. Yaoyao, you’re actually a very reliable person when things get serious. It was just a matter of who was here first. The key is that you were in Tokyo at the time."

"You really think so?" Jiangg Yao pouted, not quite believing him.

"I mean it. On the surface, Yaoyao, you’re lively and energetic, but that’s just a mask. I know that when you take it off, the mature you comes out, and everyone is always surprised by the change."

"Hehehe." Coaxed by his words, Jiangg Yao couldn’t suppress a grin, her smile utterly adorable. "You figured that out, huh?"

She tilted her head back, looking just a little bit smug.

After a year of dating, Chen Yuan understood Jiangg Yao well enough.

He knew her so well; he could change her mood with just a few words.

"Okay, okay, let me breathe. Get off of me," Chen Yuan said, unceremoniously giving her a shove.

Yaoyao tumbled onto the sofa.

She sat up, her hair a bit disheveled, but there wasn’t a hint of annoyance on her face. In fact, the corners of her lips were still turned up in a slight smile.

"Why’d you push me? You’re so mean~"

"Ugh, stop with the cutesy baby voice. You’re giving me goosebumps."

"What’s wrong? A little shy here at my place? You’re not like this when we’re at a hotel..." Yaoyao bit her lip, her voice deliberately coy.