Chapter 188: Cleenah’s thoughts 2

"Ah..."

Cleenah flinched when she realized Julian was here. Her face was pale, and the thought of how awful she must look made her lower her head.

Her heart pounded hard as she rubbed at her face.

"Lady? Are you alright?"

"Y-yes...! I-I’m fine."

Her voice came out in a rush, and the thin cloth wrapped around her eyes was already damp with tears she hadn’t noticed.

Cleenah was a mess. Even if she wiped her tears away, it wouldn’t change anything. Julian would surely notice the wet cloth.

’Ugh... What do I do...? I must look so pitiful.’

Cleenah kept trying to hide her face, but it was hard to suppress her own feelings, which were at their worst right now.

Her shoulders trembled, betraying her.

Maybe she had already been found out.

How embarrassing.

A Clan Leader was supposed to be strong. Whether in physical strength, in mind, or in Rank, but here she was. Cleenah had nothing special in any of those three. She was simply very weak, and that was all.

"Uh..."

A small whimper even slipped from her trembling lips. She was afraid, and wondered what expression Julian wore. Would he look at her with disappointment or something like it?

Of course, she didn’t know how Julian saw her. But it would surely be the way one looked at an ordinary leader, wouldn’t it?

A leader who led a Clan, so many Dragons at once, who made important decisions and looked wise. That was how it ought to be.

But Cleenah didn’t meet any of those requirements right now.

Her thoughts, her feelings, everything was in such chaos that a light pat landing on her shoulder was enough to make her body jolt in surprise.

"Lady Cleenah, try lifting your head."

Hearing that voice, so emotionless and cold, as if nothing at all lay within it, Cleenah bit her lip.

"...I don’t want to."

Why should she show such a pitiful expression?

"...No one will see you here. It’s alright."

"..."

"Please lift your head."

"I... I’m sorry."

***

Pitiful.

Every time Julian met Cleenah, every time he understood more and more about her, he felt how pitiful the girl’s situation was.

’Still, why does all of this have to happen to her?’

Of course, fate didn’t play around. Fate didn’t care about age, gender, or status. It was truly masterful at weaving things together.

Julian let out a small sigh.

’What should I do?’

Julian wasn’t capable of comforting a crying girl. I mean, what exactly was he supposed to do to calm Cleenah down?

What had made Cleenah suddenly like this?

Could it be political pressure or something else?

It was hard to guess, because Julian was still an outsider who knew only a little.

’Yeah... I suppose I can also call this an opportunity.’

Cleenah happened to be in an extremely fragile state right now. Julian didn’t have much time to slowly grow closer to her, which was why he might be able to take advantage of the present situation.

It might sound somewhat wrong, using the moment when Cleenah was so vulnerable. But could he say it was being done for the good of both of them?

’I don’t care if it’s the wrong way. I’m only doing my part and my duty.’

Julian drew a small breath and slowly lifted the corners of his lips.

"...You don’t need to apologize."

Cleenah went still for a moment at those words.

"...?"

"I don’t know why you’re apologizing to me. But if it’s only because I saw you crying, I don’t think that’s something that needs forgiving."

Julian said it in an utterly flat tone. Even while saying something that sounded like comfort, his voice didn’t change at all.

But Cleenah only bit her lip harder.

"...But, I..."

She wanted to explain something, but her words broke off. How could she say that she was ashamed of looking so weak, when Julian himself didn’t seem to mind it much?

Cleenah didn’t understand at all.

"Lady Cleenah, may I say something?"

"...Yes?"

"Honestly, I don’t know whether you’re facing a problem I can help with. And if you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t force you."

Julian shifted Felicya slightly in his arms, then continued.

"But while I’ve been here, I’ve received so much help from you. You gave me a place to live, and you’re even willing to protect Lumi, even though it might cause you trouble with the Drazhuel."

"...."

"So I figure there’s no harm in my trying to help you now, too."

Cleenah felt her chest tighten again.

She wanted to say something. Maybe reply to Julian’s words, or simply thank him. But when she opened her mouth, no sound came out.

’...Why?’

Cleenah knew that Julian wasn’t really promising anything big. He even admitted that he might not be able to help.

But that was exactly what made it harder for her to hold back her feelings.

All this time, too many Dragons had made promises to her. They said they would support her, protect the Qiezhuran, and always follow her decisions as leader.

Yet the Eyes of Essence revealed the lies in their words.

And Julian, someone who had no obligation at all to the Qiezhuran, was offering help without promising anything he couldn’t be sure of.

’...Ah.’

Cleenah remembered the Primordial Dragon’s words again.

Rely on my Master. That was what had been said.

Back then, she hadn’t fully understood why the Primordial Dragon trusted him so much. But now, with Julian standing before her, Cleenah began to feel something she had always tried to ignore.

Hope.

And that was exactly what made her even more afraid.

She already had a plan. She had already decided how she would try to save the Qiezhuran, and had even accepted the possibility that she would have to pay an enormous price.

But what if there was another way?

What if the Primordial Dragon’s words were true?

’...No.’

Cleenah quickly tried to stop that thought.

She mustn’t hope for too much. Wasn’t she the one who wanted to make sure Julian and Garph could leave the Qiezhuran before the attack happened?

But her feelings wouldn’t obey.

For the first time since making that decision, Cleenah truly wanted someone she could rely on.

Not as the leader of the Qiezhuran, not as Clyne’s successor, only as herself.

"...Lord Julian."

"Yes?"

"...Do you really..."

Cleenah couldn’t finish her words. Her lips trembled again, and the tears she had been holding back all this time began to flow harder.

She felt so ashamed.

But now Cleenah no longer even knew whether she wanted to keep hiding her face.

"...Won’t you be disappointed?"

Julian paused for a moment.

"Disappointed?"

"...In me."

Julian didn’t understand the question at first. But after looking at Cleenah’s state, he began to grasp what the girl was worried about.

"...Why would I be?"

"...Because I..."

Cleenah fell silent again.

She wanted to say that she wasn’t strong enough. That she didn’t deserve to be the leader of the Qiezhuran, and that even now all she could do was cry in front of someone she should be protecting.

But before those words came out, Julian spoke again.

"Lady, I came here as your guest. Not to judge whether you deserve to be a leader or not."

"...."

"And if you’re having a hard time, that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve helped me a great deal."

Cleenah froze.

Something she had been forcing herself to hold back all this time could finally no longer be contained.

"...Uhh."

A sob escaped her mouth.

Cleenah hurriedly covered her lips, but the next wave of crying was even harder to stop. She even had to grip her cane more tightly to stay standing.

’...I...’

She truly didn’t know what to do.

Cleenah wanted to say thank you, but couldn’t. She also wanted to apologize for showing her pitiful state, but Julian’s earlier words made her hesitate.

And in the midst of all that chaos, one wish kept rising in her mind.

’...I want to trust him.’

Just this once.

Cleenah wanted to try believing that the Primordial Dragon was right, that perhaps she didn’t have to face all these hardships alone.

"...Lord Julian."

"Yes, Lady?"

"...May I..."

Cleenah drew a labored breath.

"...May I truly rely on you?"

Julian was silent for a moment, then nodded.

"...If there’s something I can help with, of course."

Cleenah bit her lip again.

She didn’t know why such a simple answer made her want to cry so badly. Even now, her tears kept flowing no matter how many times she tried to stop them.

But this time, Cleenah no longer lowered her head any further.

Slowly, she began to lift her face.

"...Ah."

Without her realizing it, the white cloth she had been rubbing all this time had loosened. When Cleenah raised her head, the cloth shifted, then slowly slid down from her face.

Cleenah tried to catch it by reflex.

But her still-trembling fingers couldn’t reach it before it fell to the ground.

And for the first time, the two eyes Cleenah had always hidden were plainly visible to Julian.

The Eyes of Essence.

A pair of eyes so beautiful, with a uniqueness that ordinary eyes did not possess.

But now their beauty was almost overshadowed by the state of their owner.

Both eyes were red, and tears kept spilling out without pause, running down the cheeks of a little girl who still struggled to hold back her sobs.