My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

Warning: Suicide thoughts and self harm. You have been warned!

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Jiang Jinyan opened his eyes to the soft glow of moonlight pouring in from the window above his head. He was slumped against the floor, his entire body aching and sore. He tried to move his fingers only to have a numbing pain shot through his arm.

He instantly knew what was going on.

He had another relapse again.

However, this time he wasn't in a hurry to treat the wound on his arm. He changed his position and laid down instead, staring blankly at the only source of light inside the dark room. It was quite an empty room with only pieces of broken mirror in the corner, some broken furniture,  together with one side of the wall with one piece of missing mirror.

Jiang Jinyan didn't know when it started but one day, he found himself woke up just like this, muddled and unable to remember what was going on before.

It wasn't until he saw the broken furniture—overturned tables, broken phone, cracked glasses—did he realize that it was all his doing when he momentarily lost his mind. He knew that it wasn't normal but he had to do something to channel this violent tendency in his veins.

He needed venting, thus he just emptied one room and filled it with brittle things; mirrors, furniture made of glass, wooden chairs and tables. And it worked, miraculously.

Everytime he woke up after the relapse, he felt peace and serenity deep inside his mind.

There wasn't any headache, jumping veins and volatile mood anymore.

Jiang Jinyan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the faint scent of blood in the air.

The tip of his fingers had become numb yet he still didn't intend to move. Behind his eyelids was the dream he had just had. The hot summer, crowded sanatorium, scent of blood and disinfectant mixed together. Then, it was Guan Xiaoxiao's last words. "Sorry, I am very sorry…Jinyan..."

He had dreamed of this scene countless times these past few months.

Only this time, there was a slight difference.

The teary pale face of Guan Xiaoxiao somehow changed at the last second. Her black pupils shone in a weak golden light, glistening with distress and heartache. It was what woke Jiang Jinyan up in the end.

Exactly how…could he dream of that girl?

Was it merely because of today's event? Hadn't he gotten used to it already? 

He had never got people who cared sincerely about him thus he couldn't help but question the reason behind it. And surely, when he decided to tear off any pretense, she couldn't answer. She only looked at him with those big golden eyes, panicked and pained.

However, Jiang Jinyan didn't want to spend even one second more. He didn't wait for her to react and pushed her out of his door.

Out of his life.

By now, he could still imagine the tingling pain on his cheek due to her harsh slap.

His lips curled amidst the dark. The soft and usually obedient kitten…it turned out that her claws and fangs were quite sharp and painful.

Jiang Jinyan dragged his stiff body and pulled out a first aid kit in the hidden compartment which was used to be a safe. He couldn't help but turn to see his reflection on the cracked mirror. Distorted, frenzy, bleak. Just like a madman. A pool of blood was formed in the place where he just laid and Jiang Jinyan looked down to see a long, stretching wound along his arm.

Instead of the alcohol, he bent down and grabbed a piece of broken mirror, using its sharp tip to slowly press on his wound. Pain stung his nerves and crimson blood started to flow again, making his head dizzy.

But he couldn't stop. Somehow, the taste of pain was additive.

It wasn't until his feet staggered that he threw the mirror away and poured alcohol onto his wound directly. The burning sensation shook his mind awake and he smoothly treated the wound, wrapping it with thick bandage in practical ease as if he had done it countless times before.

Jiang Jinyan ignored the broken furniture and blood on the floor as he walked toward the cracked mirror on the wall. Seeing his own reflection closer and the distorted face as if he could peer into the devil inside his heart, whispering,

"Exactly why are you still alive?"

"Why don't you just die? Then everyone will be happy…"

A drop of liquid fell onto his cheek and Jiang Jinyan wiped it, stunned to find that it was his own tears.

He couldn't help laughing. "Why are you crying…?"

In one swift movement, he punched the mirror and thoroughly shattered it to pieces! The sharp fragments fell under his feet and the reflection of the devil was no more. He panted heavily, cold sweat dripping down his back.

Scratch scratch…

A small series of sound came from the shut door. Jiang Jinyan opened the door to see a grey furball whose golden eyes shone brightly in the darkness. "Mew~"

"I said, stop looking at me with those eyes." he mumbled in a low voice.

The little kitten didn't care about his messy state and proceeded to complete its mission; climbed up to its warm nest! With much difficulty, it prowled and jumped, catching his pants then crawling up slowly. Jiang Jinyan looked on expressionlessly. Only when the kitten reached his shirt and almost lost its grip did he extend his arm under its butt.

As if finding a safe harbor, it snuggled into his arm and closed its eyes happily, purring.

"I am covered in blood."

The kitten purred and nuzzled its head against his neck. Its long tail caressed his cheek as if wanting to wipe the dampness on his face away.

"One day, I might just kill you and I will not even realize it. Aren't you scared?"

"Mew~"

The small bundle of fur was so warm that Jiang Jinyan couldn't bear to part with it. He slowly bent down and reached out, hugging the kitten into his chest as if he could embrace the whole world if he did so.

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A/N: A glimpse of the violent and mentally unstable Jiang Jinyan. Do you think that it's hereditary from his mother?

Actually he's a really gentle person, you can tell from Shi Nian's memory of the General. Sadly, the world has changed him so much QAQ