Chapter 50: Reject Me

Astrid

I ran, not caring who saw. My dress caught around my legs with every step, my shoes cutting into my feet, my breath coming ragged and uneven.

Mates.

The word wouldn’t stop. I pressed my hands over my ears even though I knew the voice was inside me, not outside.

Stop.

It didn’t stop.

I reached the apartment, fumbled the door open, threw myself inside, slammed it shut, locked it. Then locked it again, as if a wooden door could keep out something that already lived under my skin.

I leaned against it for several seconds, breathing hard.

Then my knees gave out.

I slid to the floor and completely broke. Not graceful tears, not something delicate rolling down one cheek. I sobbed, my breathing ragged, my nose running, wiping it with the back of my hand and feeling embarrassed even though no one was there to see.

I tried to breathe but couldn’t. I curled into myself.

"No," I said.

Mates, my wolf answered.

"No."

Mates.

I pressed my palms flat against my chest, remembering Reed’s hand steadying me, Xander’s fingers against my shoulder, the exact moment everything had changed. I remembered the certainty of it, undeniable and absolute.

That certainty terrified me more than anything. Because I knew it hadn’t been my imagination.

A knock sounded at the door. I froze immediately.

"Astrid." Reed’s voice.

I clamped a hand over my mouth, refusing to answer.

Another knock. "Open the door."

My tears started again.

"Astrid, please," Xander added.

"Go away," I whispered, barely audible.

Reed heard anyway. "We’re not leaving."

My eyes squeezed shut. Of course they weren’t. He asked whether I was hurt. I said no. Xander asked if I was crying. I said no, too sharply.

A pause followed.

"You’re a terrible liar," Xander said.

Normally that would have made me laugh. Tonight it only made my chest ache further. I wiped my face. "Just go."

"Not while you’re like this," Reed said, gentle.

That made me cry harder. They were worried about me, and I didn’t want them to be. I didn’t want the bond to make their concern feel like comfort.

I finally pulled myself up and moved closer to the door without opening it. "Why aren’t you leaving?" I asked.

Neither answered right away. I pressed my forehead against the wood. "You know what happened," I said.

"Yes," Reed answered quietly.

My voice cracked. "Then reject me."

Silence.

"Please."

Nothing.

"Please, Reed." I swallowed hard. "Xander."

I could barely get the words out. "Reject me."

"Is that what you really want?" Reed asked.

I almost laughed through the tears. "What kind of question is that?"

"A serious one."

I hit the door with a weak fist. "Yes!" My voice broke apart. "I don’t want this."

I told them I’d never asked for a mate. Never wanted some invisible bond deciding who I belonged to. Never wanted my life rewritten by something I hadn’t chosen for myself.

"Neither did we," Xander said.

I closed my eyes. That answer hurt more than silence would have, because hearing they were frightened too made everything feel unbearably real.

Then a thought occurred to me. If they wouldn’t reject me, I’d reject them myself.

I pulled back from the door, remembering fragments of what I’d read about mate bonds in the archives, back before any of this became personal. I didn’t need their permission.

I wiped my face, my hands trembling.

"Fine," I said.

"Fine?" Reed asked.

I didn’t answer him. I took a breath and spoke as clearly as I could manage.

"I reject you."

Nothing happened.

I waited. Nothing happened. For one brief, fragile second, hope flickered. Then pain exploded through my chest.

I collapsed straight to the floor, like something had hooked itself deep inside me and yanked hard. I screamed.

"Astrid!" Reed’s voice, already alarmed.

Xander pounded on the door. "Astrid!"

I couldn’t answer. I curled into myself, my wolf crying out somewhere deep inside, the bond refusing to give, fighting back instead of breaking. "No," I gasped.

I tried again, thinking maybe I hadn’t meant it strongly enough. "I reject you!"

Another wave hit, worse than the first. I screamed.

I was crying uncontrollably now, memories crashing through me uninvited, my mother’s death, the brothel, the train, my first day at Moonshade, the first time I’d met the twins, every argument, every laugh, every small unearned kindness. I hated that none of it came wrapped in disgust.

It all came wrapped in warmth. I tried once more anyway. "I reject you." The pain tore through me again, and I dropped forward onto my hands, my vision blurring entirely.

"Stop!" Xander’s voice cracked outside the door.

"I can’t," I sobbed.

"You’re hurting yourself!"

"I don’t care!"

Reed’s voice turned firm. "Astrid."

I didn’t answer.

"You’re trying to break the bond."

Of course. He knew.

I cried harder. "I have to."

"No."

"You don’t understand," I said.

"Then tell me."

I couldn’t. Not yet. There were too many reasons, too many secrets, too much fear tangled together at once. "I can’t be your mate," I whispered instead.

Xander’s voice, when it came, held none of its usual humor. "Then you don’t have to decide tonight."

"You don’t get it," I said.

"Maybe I don’t." A pause. "But I know you’re hurting."

He told me I didn’t have to accept the bond. Didn’t have to love either of them. I didn’t even have to speak to them tonight if I didn’t want to. But I had to stop trying to destroy myself over it. That reached me. Enough to make me hesitate.

I looked at the door anyway, desperation winning one final time. "I reject you," I whispered.

The bond responded immediately, pain flaring bright between my ribs. But this time, through the haze of it, I understood something clearly.

It wasn’t breaking.

It was unbreakable.

The pain eventually faded, leaving me trembling on the floor, exhausted, my throat raw from crying, my face wet, my nose running again. I wiped it with my sleeve and nearly laughed at how pathetic I must have looked. Then I started crying again.

The hallway went quiet after that. I assumed they’d finally given up and left. I sat against the bed frame, listening. There was no sound.

Then I noticed the faint shadows still visible beneath the door. They hadn’t left at all.

"Why are you still here?" I whispered.

"Because you’re not alone," Reed answered.

My eyes filled again.

"Even if you want us to be," Xander added.

I pressed my face into my knees. I hated them. I didn’t hate them. I hated the bond, hated myself for feeling relieved they were still out there, refusing to walk away.

Eventually I lay down, the room dark around me, the ball already feeling like it belonged to some other lifetime entirely. I closed my eyes.

My wolf had gone quiet.

For a moment, I thought I might actually sleep. Then I heard Reed and Xander still talking softly outside the door, low voices I couldn’t quite make out.

They hadn’t abandoned me. And despite everything, I felt safer knowing they were there.

That realization devastated me more than anything else that night, because the bond wasn’t only forcing feelings on me I hadn’t asked for.

It was making the people I was desperate to escape feel like home. I pulled the blanket over my head, one final tear slipping free.

I don’t want this.

But somewhere underneath that, in the place I could no longer lie to myself, another truth whispered back.

But I don’t want to lose them either.