Chapter 185

"Student Viktor."

"Yes..."

"Do you realize what you did wrong?"

"No, well..."

Everyone's stares were sharp.

I shrank back, watching the others' reactions.

Some of them even had red-rimmed eyes, making the spot where I knelt feel like a bed of nails.

"Um, well..."

My dorm room had turned into a courtroom.

Fidgeting with my hands, I awkwardly began offering excuses that weren't quite excuses.

I figured I had to say something.

Saying each word felt like walking through a minefield.

My hesitant, uncertain voice echoed through the room.

"It really couldn't be helped... As you all saw, it was an extremely urgent situation..."

Honestly, I felt wronged.

If I hadn't blown up my body, Lusilion would surely have fallen.

Not only would the sky island have been destroyed, but the continental plate itself would have shattered, causing an enormous number of casualties.

There had been no choice but to sacrifice me for a moment.

If I hesitated, both I and everyone else would have died.

That didn't mean I acted thoughtlessly, intending to die.

"I had made sure to prepare a way to recover. I was sure I wouldn't die, and I thought I could avoid instant death if I deployed my domain..."

I felt completely justified.

...I couldn't bring myself to say that. Everyone's stares were too piercing.

"So, that's why... As you know, it couldn't be helped..."

"Student Viktor."

Cold sweat trickled down my face.

I scratched my cheek with an awkward smile.

As I stiffened even further, an even colder voice reached me.

"So you're saying it was unavoidable? That it was only natural?"

"Th-that wasn't exactly what I meant, but the meaning might be roughly similar..."

"Was there really no other way? Do you think there was nothing else that could have cushioned the impact?"

"That was the conclusion I came to, at least..."

"The center of the plaza. Weren't Alice's soldiers stationed nearby?"

"Huh."

"You could have worked with them. Alice's soldiers have high defense. If you had brought them along and used them as shields, you could have reduced the risk. Of course, they would have been injured. Probably severely. Even so, it would have been better than charging in unprotected. It would have hurt less, and it would have been less horrible."

"That's... true. I hadn't even thought of that. So there was a way."

"You mean it didn't occur to you? The soldiers were helping people right nearby."

"I didn't have time to think that far ahead. The situation was so urgent, and my body moved before I could think..."

"You're lying."

"..."

"You knew, didn't you? There's no way Student Viktor failed to think of something I did. You're smart. You must have thought it through. You calculated it. Since you would recover anyway, you decided you didn't need the soldiers' help. You thought it would be better for them to keep protecting civilians than to help you. That would have seemed rational to you."

"No..."

What was this?

She saw right through me.

'It is rational, though.'

If I was going to come back to life anyway, it was better to minimize the resources assigned to me.

Pulling soldiers away to use them on me wouldn't have been efficient.

It was better to let them save even one more person.

My body alone had been enough. It had hurt enough to kill me, of course, but I recovered in the end, so wasn't everything okay?

"Well, the result was good..."

"Student Viktor."

"Yes."

"That's the problem. Ordinary people don't want to die or be hurt, so they shift their losses onto others. That's natural for all living things. Few people want to take on someone else's losses. Yet you choose sacrifice without a moment's hesitation."

"No... It's just that I can do it..."

"Excessive selflessness is poison. That poison is ingrained in Student Viktor like a habit."

"It's not anything as grand as selflessness. Well... I'm more selfish than you think, and I value myself a great deal too..."

"This isn't the first time, is it?"

"..."

"Three hundred and forty-nine times."

"...That was..."

Three hundred and forty-nine times.

The number of times my neck had broken on the ninetieth floor of Purgatory.

As I fell silent for a moment, the phantom pain that had become routine gripped the back of my neck.

Throb.

"..."

"And yet you say you value yourself."

The woman's green eyes were cold. Yet they trembled.

Pity, concern, sorrow. I could feel those emotions.

Through our contract, I heard her inner thoughts.

[Why... why does he act as though it's only natural...]

[I never... wanted to see him sacrifice himself like that again...]

At the root of that gaze was desperation.

Javert seemed to be reliving the scenes that had repeated on the ninetieth floor of Purgatory. The trauma from then had stayed with her to this day.

"Student Viktor."

Javert bent down.

She stroked my cheek and brought her face close to mine. Our foreheads touched, and warmth passed between them.

"Please..."

"..."

"Please take a little better care of yourself..."

"..."

It sounded like a plea, so I couldn't bring myself to answer.

The other girls shared that silence.

Maybe they felt the same way Javert did.

Beyond the stillness, her voice sounded like a prayer at dawn.

"I've become unable to live... without you, Student Viktor..."

Words confessing concern.

And words confessing something deeper than concern.

"Inspector..."

My breath caught as though I had been pierced through.

After I held my breath for a moment, Javert slowly moved away from me.

Then she turned her head slightly, revealing someone who had been hiding behind her all along.

"Dad..."

It was Lua.

The little girl stood there, clutching Mom's sleeve tightly.

Her black eyes brimmed with tears, and even her small shoulders trembled.

Lua couldn't meet my eyes.

She had been like that ever since Blue Night.

"Lua."

"Because of Lua... Dad got hurt."

Guilt.

That little thing was feeling guilty.

She cried and blamed herself, unable to look up at me.

For days, she hadn't been able to ask the dad she loved most in the world for a hug.

"Lua... hurt Dad and made him suffer..."

"It was something I told you to do. It's not something Lua should blame herself for."

"But, but Dad... Sob, hic..."

"Oh, Lua."

Tears rolled down the girl's cheeks.

My mind turned completely white.

It felt as if someone had struck the back of my head with a hammer.

With my heart pounding, I tightly hugged Lua's small body.

"I was wrong. Dad was wrong. I won't do this again."

"Dad, Dad got hurt so badly, and I was so scared... Hic."

"It isn't Lua's fault. It's all Dad's fault, so don't cry like that..."

"Lua didn't know Dad would end up like that... Sniff, Lua made Dad hurt so much..."

"Lua..."

I soothed the little girl for a long time.

I even hooked pinkies with her and made a promise.

I promised I wouldn't get hurt again and wouldn't do anything dangerous.

Only after I promised, hooked fingers, and apologized over and over did Lua gradually stop crying.

"I don't like it when Dad gets hurt..."

"I won't get hurt. I won't so much as cut a fingertip from now on. I promise."

"Sniff..."

Maybe it was because the tension had finally left her.

Lua fell asleep in my arms, as though exhaustion had caught up with her.

Careful not to wake my daughter, I gently laid Lua down on the bed.

'I didn't mean to hurt Lua.'

Yet I had unintentionally left her with a bad memory.

A few months ago, I had sworn I would never make Lua cry again.

I couldn't even keep that small promise.

I must have been an idiot in more ways than one.

As I remained silent, the others approached me again.

"You understand now, don't you?"

"..."

"There are people who care about Student Viktor. When you're hurt and in pain, there are people who become just as sad and blame themselves. I'm not saying Student Viktor was wrong. I believe that choice was certainly rational and levelheaded. But from now on, please think about yourself a little more. If you can't do it for your own sake, then at least do it for the people who worry about you and suffer because of it."

"...I'm sorry. I think I was wrong."

"You used to half-listen when we told you this, but as soon as Lua got involved... Student Viktor really has a soft spot for Lua."

"I'm sorry to everyone else too..."

"It's okay. I'm glad you accepted it, even if it took this. I think Student Viktor will be a good father someday."

"Haha..."

I smiled bitterly.

It was a time to reflect on myself, at least a little.

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