Chapter 48: Fake Necromancy, 2: Electricity, Monkey Waifus, and Demonic Human Resources

The stainless-steel surgical cart, scavenged from god-knows-where in the depths of the dungeon, squeaked slightly. Resting atop it was the most absurd, toxic, and nonsensical loot pool in the history of role-playing games.

Mordecai massaged his temples. The [Rotten Legendary Dragon Egg] emanated a stench that was a traumatic mix between spoiled onions, pure sulfur, and the back of a plumber’s van in late July. A few inches away, the [Heroic Bra] glowed with an entirely unjustified divine light, casting epic shadows over the [Black Lace Panties] and the [Mythic Female Armor (Metallic Bikinis)].

Completing the tableau were two apocalyptic cores pulsing with dark energy, a cluster of highly poisonous bioluminescent mushrooms, the legendary [Crimson Blade of the Sun Emperor], and finally... two crumpled pieces of cardboard: the coupons. Absolute garbage.

"Okay," Mordecai sighed, his voice thick with chronic exhaustion. "I have defeated bosses. I have bypassed deadly traps. I have even endured Nick’s theatrical temper tantrums. But fundamentally, I am an electrician. I do wiring. How the hell am I supposed to splice the soul of a Sun Emperor with a D-cup bra?" He asked the System. "What do I have to do?"

As if the System had simply been waiting for that exact admission of ignorance, an azure holographic panel exploded in front of his face with the sheer arrogance of an early 2000s pop-up ad.

[NECROMANCY SYSTEM FOR BEGINNERS: ACTIVATED!]

[User detected in a state of deep confusion. Initializing Tutorial: "How to Summon Your Dark Waifu - Limited Edition".]

[Summoning Instructions:]

[Phase 1: Place your trembling, sin-stained hand upon the catalyst item.]

[Phase 2: Analyze it with your superior, dark intellect.]

[Phase 3: Close your eyes. Concentrate. You must feel the Edgy Energy™ flowing through your veins. Think about your dark past. Think about how cruel the world is. Make an expression of misunderstood pain.]

[Phase 4: With a deep, raspy, and mysterious voice, whisper the Words of the Pact: "Return to this world and serve me, lost Soul."]

Mordecai’s purple eye twitched violently.

"Who programmed this interface? A hormone-crazed fourteen-year-old listening to Linkin Park in his bedroom?" he muttered, clenching his fists. He wanted to physically bite the hologram. "'Edgy Energy'? Really? If I close my eyes and think about my 'dark past', the only thing that comes to mind is the time I had to wire an entire electrical panel in the freezing rain for 1000 yen an hour. That is true darkness."

Up in the corner of his vision, the Higher Realms were absolutely losing their minds. The live chat overlay was scrolling at an inhuman speed.

[VIP User 'DarkSlayer69']: YESSSS! DO THE EDGY POSE! DO IT!

[xX_WaifuHunter_Xx]: Use the panties! Use the panties first! We need the lore on those panties!

"Ignore them, Kaito. Just think about the paycheck," Mordecai told himself, sighing heavily. He decided to actively ignore the underwear for the moment, hoping it would simply disappear if he didn't make eye contact with it. Instead, his gauntleted hand settled onto the crimson hilt of the [Crimson Blade of the Sun Emperor].

The metal was hot, almost scalding. Following the instructions with extreme reluctance, he closed his eyes.

He tried his best not to think about the sheer cringe of the situation, choosing instead to focus on the flow of mana, treating it like alternating current passing through a thick copper wire.

Then, he gripped the hilt tighter and grimaced—not out of the darkness of his past, but because he felt a migraine coming on.

Our beloved fake necromancer cleared his throat and, using a flat, monotone voice that sounded like he was reading the side effects on a bottle of laxatives, he muttered: "Return to this world and serve me, lost soul. And hurry up, my shift ends at midnight."

Mordecai had no other choice. He perfectly knew that if he refused, the system would have controlled his body again.

[RESONANCE ACCEPTED! EDGY ENERGY: SUFFICIENT (But slightly disappointing)!]

[SUMMONING IN PROGRESS...]

The sword detonated into a massive pillar of golden and crimson flames that lit up the dungeon room like high noon, forcing Mordecai to shield his face with his arm. A shockwave blasted dust and loose paperwork across the room (much to the despair of Ugo the Archivist, who let out a spectral, agonizing groan from out in the hallway).

When the blinding light faded, the weapon was gone. In its place, crouching on the stone floor and wreathed in smoke, was a figure.

She stood up slowly. It was a girl.

She had explosive, golden-blonde hair slashed with fiery red streaks, standing wildly on end as if she had just touched a high-voltage generator. She was wearing brightly colored, red and orange martial arts monk robes that were blatantly a few sizes too small, leaving her bare shoulders exposed, which were dusted with a fine, glowing golden fur. Protruding from her lower back was a long monkey tail that whipped the air with restless impatience. Her golden eyes, slit pupils framed by sharp red markings, snapped wide open, infused with a frantic, feral energy.

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE SLUMBER OF THE GREAT SAGE EQUAL TO HEA—" The girl froze, blinking rapidly. She looked down at her hands, touched her face, and then stared down at her own chest. "Wait. Why do I have these two massive things on my chest? And why does my voice sound like an overpaid voice actress doing high-pitched squeaks?"

Mordecai crossed his arms, nodding slowly. "Ah," he said, his voice entirely devoid of surprise, like he was expecting it. "The original has arrived. The blueprint every single battle-shōnen author ripped off for their protagonist because they didn't want to admit where they copied their homework from."

The monkey girl—the waifu incarnation of Sun Wukong—blitzed toward him, landing exactly one millimeter from his nose, and began sniffing him loudly. Then, her golden eyes lit up, and a fierce, feral smile full of sharp fangs stretched across her face.

"Hey!" she yelled, radiating an energy so overwhelming it made Mordecai’s eardrums vibrate. "Your power level... your mana! It's insane! I feel a massively dark aura coming from you! You must be incredibly strong!" She started bouncing from one foot to the other, throwing rapid-fire shadow punches into the air, breaking the sound barrier with every jab. "Let's fight! Come on, show me what you've got! If you beat me, I'll treat you to a banquet of celestial peaches! If I beat you... Well, I'll destroy you!"

She was quite literally the living, breathing parody of a certain training-obsessed Saiyan.

"Down, girl, I'm too mentally tired to fight," Mordecai ordered. He used the exact same stern tone one would use on a dog that had just peed on the expensive rug, channeling a microscopic fraction of his Necromancer's Authority into his voice.

It was enough. The System's violent laws immediately kicked in.

Sun Wukong froze mid-air. Her hyper-aggressive, bellicose expression melted instantly, replaced by a violent, dark blush that covered her cheeks. Her slit pupils dilated until they were practically heart-shaped.

[PASSIVE SYSTEM TRAIT ACTIVATED: GACHA GAME STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!]

[Affinity of Sun Wukong (Waifu Edition) increased to 100% in 0.2 seconds!]

"I-I... I..." Wukong stammered, suddenly shy as she twirled the ends of her own wild hair around a finger. Her furry tail wrapped itself softly and possessively around Mordecai’s ankle.

She reached up to her ear, pulled out a tiny golden toothpick, and with a flick of her wrist, expanded it into a massive, intricately carved magical staff. She planted it into the stone floor and dropped to one knee before the electrician.

"I will serve you forever, my Buddha!" she exclaimed, looking up at him with sparkling, devoted eyes.

'Eh? What the F-'

And in that exact moment, the famous Jingu Bang... no, worse. The famous restrictive golden circlet that Wukong wore in the original legend materialized. But it didn't appear on her forehead.

It materialized tightly around her neck, taking the form of an erotic black leather choker with a small golden metal ring in the center.

Mordecai buried his face in his hands. The shockwave of pure cringe was so physically powerful that it made his soul stagger.

"Why," Kaito whispered, his voice actually trembling. "Why do you have to sexualize even sixteenth-century Asian literary classics? What did Wu Cheng'en ever do to you, people?"

But the System had no time for the internal drama of an underpaid laborer.

[EXCELLENT! FIRST WAIFU SECURED! NOW, LET'S PROCEED WITH THE REAL FANSERVICE!]

[QUEST UPDATED: Utilize the following catalysts simultaneously: [Black Lace Panties] + [Heroic Bra] + [Mythic Female Armor (Metallic Bikinis)].]

"No. Absolutely not. That is a direct violation of health and safety protocols. I am not touching that stuff. I don't know what monster or corpse it was looted from, and I don't have latex gloves."

[PENALTY FOR REFUSAL: The System will permanently lock your equipped attire to 'French Maid Outfit' with a +500% Humiliation Modifier.]

Mordecai ground his teeth so hard he risked chipping a molar. He hated this world, its magic, and its extra-dimensional capitalism.

With an expression of pure, unadulterated disgust, he extended his fingers and tapped the ridiculous pile of magical underwear and non-existent metal armor.

"Return to this world, lost souls, and pray to whatever gods will listen that you have a union," he snarled, completely skipping the phase where he was supposed to close his eyes.

Three lights detonated simultaneously: hot pink, deep purple, and pastel blue. A thick cloud of strawberry-scented smoke filled the dungeon room, making him cough aggressively.

When the smoke cleared, three girls were kneeling before him, already posed like they were on the cover of a Dengeki Bunko light novel.

The first (born from the Heroic Bra) was a Cleric with blonde ringlets, a perpetually air-headed expression, and a chest so absurdly massive it defied gravity in ways that would have made Isaac Newton weep.

The second (born from the Metallic Bikini) was a silver-haired Tsundere swordswoman, sporting a perpetually angry glare and wearing 'armor' that covered only her nipples and groin.

The third (born from the Black Lace Panties) was... inevitably, a catgirl, complete with black ears, a sinuous tail, and a mischievous smile.

[WARNING: GACHA GAME STOCKHOLM SYNDROME APPLIED!]

All three looked up at Mordecai, their eyes instantly filling with digital stars.

"M-Master!" they screamed in unison.

Mordecai rubbed his forehead, already feeling a migraine building behind his eyes. "Okay. Let's do roll call. Names, class, and—just so I can understand the level of workplace incompetence I am currently dealing with—how exactly did you die in this dungeon?"

The blonde Cleric timidly raised her hand. "I-I am Seraphina, Master! I was the Holy Healer of the party! But... um..." She blushed violently, looking down at her chest. "While we were running away from a big, black monster, my... um... heroic attributes completely blocked my line of sight to my feet. I tripped over my own healing staff and rolled all the way down into a pit full of poisonous spikes. Tee-hee!" She lightly tapped her head with a fist, winking and sticking her tongue out playfully.

Mordecai stared at her in absolute silence for five long seconds. "You died... because your tits removed your field of vision?"

"Tee-hee!" she repeated.

"Do not 'Tee-hee' me. That is a fatal workplace tragedy caused by non-compliant equipment."

'But wait. Her tier...

The Tsundere swordswoman crossed her arms under her chest, turning her face away with a disdainful hmpf. "I am Valeria. And don't think I actually like the fact that you summoned me, b-baka! Anyway... I died facing the Wyrm."

"At least that is an honorable death," Mordecai conceded.

"Yeah, well... my Mythic Armor granted me +999 in Magical Defense, but for some reason, it left my abdomen, my neck, my arms, and my legs completely exposed. The Wyrm simply threw a dirty bone at my stomach. I died of a strange disease that gave me painful muscular spasms three days later, in the dungeon."

"Q.E.D.," Mordecai whispered to himself. "As was to be demonstrated. Bikini armor is a crime against metallurgy."

The catgirl raised her hand, her tail swishing happily. "Nya! I am Nya! A Level 90 Thief! I snuck into the lair of the Ancient Skeletal Wyrm. Everyone was asleep. I saw his giant dragon femur, and... well, it just looked like such a fun chew toy! Nya! I tried to steal it to play with it, and he woke up and incinerated me with atomic breath! Nya!"

Mordecai physically felt a piece of his soul detach from his body and drift away into the ether. He now managed to have a new team consisting of an Asian monkey deity with severe anger management issues, and the discarded cast of a low-budget, seasonal harem anime.

'I get it. People can't accept good-looking girls dying in an S-Rank dungeon. That's the only possible explanation for their presence here.'

"Okay," Kaito said, taking a deep, steadying breath. "Enough. System, I am tired of you. You wanted to play dirty? Now we play by my rules."

[MAIN QUEST REMINDER: You still need to fuse the [S-Rank Boss Core] and the [Heart of the Abyssal Demon Lord of Sin] to create the "Supreme Demoness Maid / CEO Boss Lady"! The VIPs in the Higher Realms are waiting!]

Mordecai looked at the two massive, terrifying cores of dark power. Then, he looked at the highly toxic [Rare Abyssal Mushrooms].

The System wanted a "CEO Boss Lady." It wanted yet another dominant, trope-heavy waifu in a skimpy business suit.

"You do not understand corporate semantics, you stupid algorithm," Mordecai whispered, a sinister, incredibly cynical smile spreading across his face. "You want a Boss? You want someone who embodies the absolute evil of the Abyssal Realms and the sheer ruthlessness of a CEO? You are not getting a waifu. You are getting the true terror of the working class."

Completely ignoring the holographic instructions, Mordecai grabbed the poisonous mushrooms and crushed them in his bare hands, smearing the highly toxic paste directly onto the two apocalyptic cores. Then, instead of using his mana to sculpt soft, seductive curves, he tapped into the memories of his deepest, darkest trauma.

Not his ex-girlfriend. Not the betrayal.

He thought of her.

The Director of Human Resources at his old electrical contracting firm. The woman who routinely denied his vacation requests citing "staff shortages" while simultaneously taking three-month holidays in Ibiza. The woman who fired fathers of three with a condescending smile and a form in triplicate.

That was true darkness.

"Arise, incarnation of infernal bureaucracy!" Mordecai roared, slamming the two corrupted cores together.

The resulting explosion was not brightly colored. There were no falling rose petals or upbeat pop music.

There was only the deafening, terrifying sound of a dot-matrix printer jamming, followed by the heavy THWACK of a rubber stamp hitting a stack of paper. A bleak, depressing, soul-sucking gray aura washed over the room, instantly draining the joy of life from the air. The magical bioluminescent flowers in the dungeon immediately withered and died. Seraphina, Valeria, and Nya began to tremble uncontrollably, suddenly feeling the crushing weight of economic inflation and adjustable-rate mortgages pressing down on their shoulders.

From the gray gloom, a woman emerged.

"We are currently fourteen minutes behind the scheduled summoning timetable, Mr... Mordecai, I presume," the woman said. Her voice sounded like a rusty scraper dragging across a chalkboard, dripping with pure, concentrated passive-aggression. "Furthermore, I must note that this work environment is in direct violation of OSHA safety directive Article 4, Section B. That monkey over there in the corner is not wearing a hard hat. And for heaven's sake, tell her to put some clothes on."

'SHE'S PERFECT! FINALLY!'

Before Mordecai could even crack a smile and revel in his absolute masterpiece of corporate horror, a massive, flashing red holographic banner shattered the gray gloom.

[SYSTEM OVERRIDE: EMERGENCY AESTHETIC PATCH DEPLOYED!]

[CRITICAL ERROR: The VIP Audience of the Higher Realms has formally rejected the visual design of 'CEO Boss Lady'. Donation refunds are being aggressively demanded. The hashtag #NotMyWaifu is trending. Applying the 'Premium MILF Corporate Overlord' cosmetic DLC...]

"Wait, no!" Mordecai yelled, reaching out. "Don't you dare touch her! She's perfect!"

But it was too late. A blinding flash of premium gold and pink light engulfed the HR manager.

When the light faded, the boxy, depressing pantsuit had vanished. It was replaced by a dangerously tight, high-waisted charcoal pencil skirt and a crisp, tailored white blouse that was strategically unbuttoned at the top. The orthopedic shoes had melted into lethal, clicking black stilettos. Her graying, painfully tight bun cascaded down into lush, elegant raven waves with a single, sophisticated silver streak framing her face. Her paperweight horns elongated into sleek, polished obsidian curves. Even her half-moon spectacles transformed into sharp, stylish designer cat-eye glasses that highlighted her piercing, ruby-red eyes.

She was now, undeniably, a breathtakingly gorgeous, mature woman—a top-tier "Mommy Mafia Boss" straight out of a highly monetized gacha banner.

The lady adjusted her new designer glasses, looking down at her stilettos and impressive curves with profound, bureaucratic irritation.

"These heels are not ergonomically approved for extended dungeon deployments," she sighed. However, her voice was no longer a rusty scraper; it was now a smooth, sultry, intoxicating purr that completely betrayed the mundane nature of her complaints. "Furthermore, this uniform violates the standard corporate dress code. I will be expensing the inevitable chiropractic visits and tailored alterations directly to your department's account, Mr. Mordecai."

Mordecai dropped to his knees, burying his face in his hands.

"You ruined it, system..." Kaito whispered to the ceiling, utterly defeated by the System's relentlessness

Mordecai had actual tears in his eyes. It was beautiful. It was the perfect horror. It was his Malicious Compliance elevated to a masterpiece, but now, she was transformed into a fan-service monster.

"What is your name, creature of the abyss?" That's the only thing he managed to say.

"I am Brenda. HR Manager of the Nine Hells and the newly appointed Neo-CEO of your Minion Division. And I must remind you that bathroom breaks are unpaid and will be deducted from your salary in Experience Points."

Mordecai sighed again, now moving to the last part of the 'Necromancy'.

To put the final nail in the coffin of this disastrous situation, Mordecai picked up the last two items: the [Coupon to Summon Demon Lord Aurora] and the pathetic [Expired Coupon for a Happy Ending Massage].

"Stand back, girls. This is risky." He said, his voice dropping an octave.

[DEBUFF APPLIED]: [STATUS: CHARMED, MAX LEVELS]

The girl started panting heavily, so, just for prevention, Mordecai telepathically cast a [RESTRAINING ORDER], just to stay safe.

Without overthinking it, he simply rubbed the coupons together.

A feeble "Poof." No epic lights, no drama.

Standing in the middle of the room, Demon Lord Aurora simply appeared.

She was the Lord of Demons. A majestic, breathtakingly beautiful succubus... who was currently wearing baggy, shapeless sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt that read "I Hate Mondays," and was holding a mug of watered-down black coffee. She had heavy, dark circles under her eyes.

She yawned, scratched her cheek, and looked at Mordecai. Then, she noticed the expired massage coupon he was holding.

"Oh," Aurora said, her tone flat and completely deadpan. "You found my coupon. Great. Listen... I am the terrifying Demon Lord and blah blah blah. As of now, I belong to you." She said, before taking a better look at the malicious edgelord in front of her. "Hey..." She licked her lips, sending a shiver down Mordecai's spine, "...I really like your dark soul; it's nice and depressed, just like my desire to work."

She shuffled over, gave him a half-hearted pat on the shoulder, and pointed lazily at the coupon. "Use that ticket when... I don't know, when you want to procreate or do adult stuff. I don't feel like it right now, my blood pressure is low. In the meantime, I'm going to go hang out in your fort. Do you guys have magical Wi-Fi and carbs? I'm currently binge-watching an elven crystal-drama."

And without waiting for an answer, Aurora simply shuffled toward the exit, dragging her feet, followed by the stunned, wide-eyed stares of everyone in the room.

"But... but..." Seraphina the Cleric whimpered. "That was the terrifying Demon Lord Aurora? The one we were told that only existed in legends?"

"Shh," Brenda, the Manager, snapped, scribbling furiously on her clipboard. "Do not disturb executive lunch hours. That is a demerit on your permanent record, blondie."

Mordecai collapsed onto the cold stone floor, crushed by the unbearable weight of existence. He was tired. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.

The girls around him immediately started talking over each other.

"Master! My bra is too tight!" Seraphina whined.

"Don't look at my legs, you perverted baka!" Valeria yelled, trying to cover herself despite being practically naked.

"Nya! Master, do you have any balls of steel wool I can play with? Nya!"

"Mr. Mordecai, I need your signatures for the undead tax deductions by 2:00 PM tomorrow," Brenda pressed, aggressively tapping her pen against the clipboard.

They sounded like a swarm of mosquitoes trapped inside his skull. A constant, unbearable white noise.

Mordecai closed his eyes, desperately praying for a total brain blackout.

It was in that moment that Sun Wukong stepped forward. The monkey waifu let out a territorial, feral growl and spun her magical staff in a blur, creating a wall of wind that blasted the other three girls backward (and sent Brenda’s paperwork flying, prompting a scream of pure, unadulterated bureaucratic horror from the HR Manager).

"HEY! YOU STRAY CATS!" Wukong roared, her golden eyes flashing with violent jealousy, her wild hair standing on end, crackling with static electricity. She grabbed Mordecai by the collar, hauling him protectively against her chest, baring her fangs at the harem. She had literally broken the [RESTRAINING ORDER]. "He is mine! His aura is mine! I am the only one who has the right to challenge him to a death duel and then cook him dinner! Anyone who gets near my Buddha gets an extending staff straight to the forehead!"

"Put me down, monkey," Mordecai gurgled, currently being suffocated by the girl’s chest and the sadistic jingling of her leather choker.

Just as the waifu brawl was about to degenerate into a thermonuclear war, amidst the absolute chaos of screaming, jealousy, severance forms, and downgraded Chinese deities acting like psychopathic girlfriends, a deep, resonant sound echoed through the dungeon.

Crack.

Everyone fell dead silent.

Mordecai, Wukong, Brenda, Seraphina, Valeria, Nya. Even the System seemed to temporarily suspend its obnoxious overlay messages.

The sound had come from the surgical cart.

The [Rotten Legendary Dragon Egg]—that foul-smelling egg that reeked of spoiled onions and sulfur, the one Kaito had completely ignored—had just developed a deep, luminescent fissure across its surface.

A trickle of acid-green smoke hissed from the crack, and a stench so putrid it made their eyes water instantly flooded the room.

CRACK.

Something inside was about to hatch very soon. And judging by the smell, it was definitely not a waifu.

'I have to call Vera, right now.' He thought.