Chapter 104: Tony on Darwin’s Theory of Evolution (And Why It’s Imperative That Magnus Should Start Eating Garbage)

The rest of Tuesday passed in a blur of classes and… Tony’s training, which had somehow become increasingly unhinged.

Magnus had hoped that after everything that had happened over the past few days, things might settle down for a bit, if only because his life had apparently reached its monthly quota for bizarre revelations. Instead, by the time night rolled around and he walked to the usual spot behind his dorm building, mentally preparing himself for another blindfolded wall-climbing session, the raccoon had decided Magnus’s life wasn’t chaotic enough.

Tony was waiting for him on a tree, sitting atop a low branch with the sort of solemn expression that usually meant he had spent too much time thinking about something.

“Ah, young wanderer,” Tony said as Magnus approached. “You have returned.”

Before Magnus could get a word in, the raccoon had already continued. “You are finally developing a trait any respectable raccoon should have.”

Magnus blinked at him.

“You consumed danger and did not die,” Tony said gravely. “This is great news! You’re finally overcoming your kind’s pitiful constitution. Any respectable creature must be able to survive the consumption of questionable substances.”

Magnus blinked again. “Wait. You’re talking about Biochemical Integration Adaptation?”

“Yes,” the raccoon confirmed. “That was what you called it.”

“How did you even—” He stopped himself and pointed at Tony. “You were outside my window yesterday, spying on me when we were testing the power!”

“Not spying,” Tony corrected. “I was observing you. I am your mentor, cub. It is important that I observe your progress and adjust your training accordingly.”

“Okay.” Magnus rubbed his temple. “But why didn’t you say something during training yesterday?”

“I was still processing the information at the time, figuring out what it meant for you. But now, I’ve come to a revelation!”

“…You have?”

“Yes, I have!” The raccoon stood and raised both paws dramatically. “It is the stepping stone to your evolution into your final form!”

Magnus stared at Tony.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “I’m gonna need you to explain that one.”

Tony’s eyes narrowed with the solemnity of a philosopher preparing to impart forbidden knowledge. “I have been doing research into human culture in my free time ever since our discussion about Sherlock Homes.”

“Holmes. And I thought you weren’t interested in pop culture?”

Tony ignored his correction. “The pursuit of knowledge never ends. Also, I go wherever the food is. Your kind drops food a lot when they’re otherwise preoccupied.”

“Right. Of course.”

“Anyway,” Tony continued, “during my research, I discovered the work of Charles Darvin and his theory on Pokemon evolution.”

Magnus rubbed his temples. “…Darwin?”

“Darvin.”

“No, Tony. His name is Charles Darwin. Dar-win. And his theory of evolution has nothing to do with Pokémon.”

“Of course it does!”

“No, it absolutely does not!”

“That is what you say, kid.” Tony waved a paw dismissively. “But I’ve done thorough research.”

“Clearly not thorough enough—”

“The glowing screen you humans call laptop is where your kind look up and learn new knowledge. I have spent many nights outside the windows of various humans while they conduct their research. I have learned much.”

“You’ve been watching people use their laptops through their windows?”

“I have indeed.”

“That’s not research.”

“It is exactly research.”

Magnus rubbed a hand down his face.

Tony continued as though the interruption had never happened. “According to my findings, evolution is a process by which one creature becomes a more powerful creature in a blinding light after experiencing a sufficiently dramatic event.”

“That’s—” Magnus stopped himself, took several deep breaths, then continued. “Okay, there are so many problems with everything you said so far that I don’t even know where to begin, but let’s focus on the actual issue that has to do with me… Tony, Darwin’s theory says evolution happens over generations. Many, many generations. It’s not something that happens to any one individual creature.”

Tony shook his head. “That cannot be correct!”

“What do you mean it cannot be correct?”

“Young wanderer.” Tony hopped onto his shoulder. “I have experienced evolution myself.”

Magnus stared at him. “…That’s not possible.”

Tony leaned closer toward his ear, his voice dropping into a solemn whisper. “There was a blinding light—brighter than the headlights of any large truck, though maybe not brighter than those of very large trucks—and then I achieved enlightenment.”

Magnus craned his head back to stare at Tony for several seconds. “I thought we weren’t searching for enlightenment? Also, are you sure it’s not just… the headlights of a very large truck?”

“We’re not seeking enlightenment, because I’ve already achieved it.” Tony paused. “And it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, kid.”

Magnus blinked. “…Okay.”

“And nonsense!” the raccoon continued, offended. “When very large trucks pass by, the ground shakes. The ground was not shaking that night…” He frowned. “…Or was it? It has been some time. My memory of that night grows hazy with time.”

“Sounds to me like it was just a really large truck—”

“Nonsense—” Tony started before his head snapped away in a different direction and he started sniffing the air. “I smell pizza!”

“Tony, the point?”

“Right. Yes!” He snapped back into focus with the air of a professor returning to the main point of a lecture. “The point is, young wanderer, you must embrace your new nature, your new evolution!”

“Which is what, exactly?”

Tony hopped down to the ground. “It is imperative that you learn to eat food from the ground.”

“No!”

“You must forage with me,” Tony continued, ignoring him entirely. “Search for food in trash cans. Dirt. The forgotten scraps of the world. This is how you shall hone your new gift. Through practical application!”

“I’m not honing Biochemical Integration Adaptation by eating garbage, Tony.”

“You are a coward!”

“I’m not a coward. I’m just a person with basic self-respect.”

“Coward! You have the ability to survive hazardous substances, yet you refuse to explore the possibilities.”

“Just because I can survive something doesn’t mean I should eat it!”

“Coward! That is exactly why you should do it.”

“I’m not gonna do it no matter how many times you call me a coward.” Magnus sighed. “Now can we please get back to wall-climbing or something?”

Tony considered this for a long moment, clearly weighing whether to let the matter drop. Then he sighed dramatically. “Very well. We shall continue with the wall. For now.”

“But this matter is not over, young wanderer,” the raccoon added after a moment, his tail flicking once, decisively. “We shall speak of trash again. Evolution waits for no one.”

Magnus closed his eyes. Why is this my life now?

“Come,” Tony declared from somewhere ahead of him. “We climb.”

***

By Wednesday afternoon, Jordan, Sofia, and Alex gathered in Magnus’s room for what was apparently becoming a new tradition: Game Night… but in the afternoon, simply because Game Afternoon didn’t have the same kind of weight and ring to it, according to Sofia.

While they were playing, after Magnus had just finished telling them about his latest power, he made the grave mistake of telling them about Tony’s takeaway from everything. He’d expected them to back him up, agree with him that the raccoon was being ridiculous, or maybe even help him with brainstorming ways to convince Tony out of this. But he’d failed to account for one very crucial detail: everyone in his life was a lunatic.

The room erupted into laughter. All three girls were laughing so hard they were sprawling on his bed.

“I mean,” Alex said, wiping her eyes, “maybe you should try it. It’s not like you’re really in any danger. That’s the whole point of the power.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”

Jordan shrugged. “I’m with Reyes. If you’re not gonna die from it, might as well.”

He stared at her. “Are you two telling me if you had this power, you’d do it—eat garbage?”

“I mean, we probably wouldn’t. But that’s because we need to maintain our diet to keep in shape,” Jordan said reasonably. “And we’re not talking about me and Reyes, we’re talking about you.”

“Okay.” He blinked. “Rude!”

“I mean, some homeless people do look for food in the trash,” Sofia offered helpfully.

“I am not a homeless person!”

“But you could be.”

“Great,” he muttered. “I’m surrounded by lunatics.”

“This information is going straight into the group chat, by the way,” Sofia added.

Magnus groaned.

They played another round, and the conversation shifted to mostly trash talk and competitive yelling for a while. Then, on the next loading screen, Sofia said conversationally:

“So, since your quest with Emily Carter is going nowhere—”

“Thank you so much for reminding me of that,” Magnus muttered.

“—we should probably talk about the threesome between you two and me,” Sofia continued, ignoring him.

“What about it?” Magnus asked.

“You three have to plan a threesome in advance?” Jordan asked at the same time.

“Yes, Jordan.” Sofia snorted. “Normal people talk through logistics first. We don’t just jump into a threesome without a plan.”

“Wait.” Jordan glanced over at Magnus and Alex. “You two do this with everyone?”

“Why didn’t I get a talk then?” she asked when they nodded.

“Would you have even considered it if I’d brought it up first?”

“Obviously no. That’d be super awkward.”

“And that’s why you didn’t get a talk.” Alex gestured at Jordan like she was presenting a piece of evidence.

“I hate that you know me that well,” Jordan muttered. Then she glanced at Magnus and pleasantly added, “Sparring again tomorrow morning, Chane.”

“What did I do?” Magnus protested as the game started and everyone’s attention was back on the screen. “Your problem is with her!”

“She’s your girlfriend. And you went along with her plans to manipulate me.”

“I was trying to survive. And I thought you’ve already forgiven us regarding that.”

“I have. But we’re sparring tomorrow anyway.”

Sofia cleared her throat. “Can we get back to talking about the threesome?”

“Yeah,” Alex replied. “Go on.”

“Originally, we were gonna wait until after you two figured out the whole Emily and Dash thing,” Sofia began. “But since that’s going nowhere—”

“You don’t have to keep rubbing that in,” Magnus muttered.

“—maybe we should just do it as soon as your period is over?” Sofia continued, glancing at Alex. “If we manage to wrap it up early, that’s a chance for more of those revival dolls, just in case.”

Alex considered it, then nodded. “Yeah, makes sense. And even on the off-chance that doesn’t push your Trust over ninety percent, we’ll still have time to keep working on it through whatever other means we can think of within the time we have left.”

“It’ll probably work,” Sofia said.

“Let’s hope,” Alex agreed. Then, she cleared her throat and said in a lighter tone, “So Sof, thought about which power you want him to share with you yet?”

“The animal one, obviously.” Sofia didn’t even miss a beat. “I mean, we’ll probably have to switch to the language learning one for Aaron and Jade’s little experiment, but otherwise, I can’t wait to understand Tony—”

“Wait, wait, wait. Hang on.” Jordan cut in. “You can share your powers with people, Chane?”

“Well… yes, but actually, no.” Magnus shrugged.

“Less memes, more explaining.”

“I can only share my powers with people whose Trust in me is at least ninety percent. So it’s really just Alex at the moment… and Sofia if we can get her monthly quest done.”

“We will,” Sofia said confidently. “It’s not an if, it’s a when.”

Jordan took a moment to process that. Then: “What’s my Trust at, then?”

“I have no idea.” Magnus shrugged. “Will have to check when we’re done with this round.”

During the next loading screen, he did just that before going very still…

“Eighty-five percent?! What the hell, Jordan?! Since when did it get so high? Why do you even trust me that much?”

Jordan shrugged. “Guess watching you die and come back was one heck of a life-changing event, Chane.”

Sofia groaned. “Goddammit! I should have been there that night. Maybe I’d already be ninety percent by now.”

Alex tilted her head. “It might not work out that way.”

Sofia frowned. “Why not?”

“You already knew he was coming back. She didn’t.”

Sofia paused, considering it. “…Oh yeah. That might actually be a possibility.”

 “But we’ll never know for sure,” she said as another round started. “Unless… I come by and watch him die and come back the next time it happens.”

Magnus stared at all three women on his bed. “Great! So glad you’re all joking about me dying while I’m sitting right here.”

“What?” Sofia glanced at him. “You make jokes about it all the time.”

“Okay, first of all, I don’t make jokes about it all the time. Only sometimes. And second—” He pointed at himself. “—I have that right since I’m the one dying. You three are not.”

Alex gestured between herself and Jordan. “Well, two of us here were traumatized by you dying. So, we reserve the right to joke about it, too.”

Magnus considered that. “Okay. Fair.”

“No! Not fair!” Sofia protested, pointing at herself. “By that logic, I’m the only one here who isn’t allowed to joke about him dying!”

Jordan pointed an accusing finger at Sofia. “Well, yeah. When Reyes and I joke about it, it’s coping. But when you do it, it’s just insensitive, Ramirez.”

Alex immediately put on an exaggeratedly wounded expression. “Yes, how could you, Sofia?! My boyfriend died!”

“I’m still sitting right here!”

Sofia rolled her eyes and picked up her phone as another round came to a finish. “Whatever.”

Everyone’s phone collectively buzzed a few seconds later. Magnus’s phone kept buzzing after the others had stopped.

He looked down, then blinked.

Apparently, Sofia had decided to follow through on her earlier threat and told everyone in the big group chat.

And apparently, The Power Research Group had decided Tony’s terrible idea was worth considering, too.

TonyStark_In_Training: DO IT!!!!! honestly the trash thing is hilarious you should absolutely do it bro! and don’t forget to film it

Jay_Green: Statistically speaking, you’d probably survive the ordeal. Worth trying, purely for data.

Aaron.C_Nurse_In_Training: I agree with Jade. This would generate genuinely useful information about the power’s actual limits. Please document what you consume beforehand. And it would be preferable if you could record a video of it, too.

TonyStark_In_Training: I already told him to do that!

Aaron.C_Nurse_In_Training: You told him to do it because you think it’d be funny. Which is not a good reason, so he might not listen to you. I’m telling him to do it for the data, which is a much better reason.

Magnus put his phone away, then rubbed a hand down his face.

“Everyone I know,” he said to no one in particular, “is completely insane!”