Chapter 1732: Late Night Lamentations -Hurricroak

After Frosttusk had shared with the Storm Singers and Zhen Clan warriors that the Collectrix was apparently transforming her army of disunited tribal warriors into a bunch of fucking knock-off tinker toy soldiers, it was collectively decided that the smartest plan of action was to not sit around like a bunch of bums and wait for the inevitable assault.

Instead, it was decided that we were going to attack the Collectrix’s base of operations before she could get her feet off the ground and do something even more stupid with her army of fucked-up knock-off cyborgs.

That plan took a bit of time to enact, though, as this was the first time in awhile that the Storm Singers had been on the attack.

People needed to be armed, given buffs, and the whole military shebang.

Which was fine by me, because I still needed time to emotionally process the past few hours or so.

Well, I needed to emotionally process one thing, but still.

At this time, I was outside of the perimeter of the camp, lying on my back and staring up at the sky.

It was morning when I left on patrol with Nepherage, it was the afternoon when we returned, and it was decided that we would attack the Collectrix under the veil of night.

As such, I got to enjoy the sunset and the slow appearance of the moon and stars.

Not that it did much to improve my mood.

That’s the funny thing about traumatic experiences. Even if they came from nothing more than a nightmare-inducing ability, they still had a tendency to linger in one’s mind. Especially when someone like me is technically mostly mind and no physical body.

While I was lying there on the grass, Nepherage had come over to see how I was doing.

A redundant action given our link... then again, it probably didn’t help that I decided to mute mine once we got back to the camp and I was given a chance to sneak away.

Nepherage was silent for a few moments as she settled down to sit next to me.

If I were still human, this would’ve been the part where I would lie about my feelings until it all built up to some big emotional blowout, probably moments before one of us died in an epic explosion.

But alas, I was a kaijin, a being of [Chaos]...a monster that couldn’t help but to live and act with their feelings as plain as spots on their skin.

So I had to be completely honest with both her and myself when it came to good old-fashioned therapy talk.

[Hurricroak. Are you okay?] Nepherage asked.

[If I am being completely honest...no. No, I am not.] I answered with begrudging honesty.

[Figured as much,] Nepherage sighed in sad understanding. [Do you want to talk about it?]

[I really, really want to say no and for you to go fuck yourself,] I answered back. [But at this distance, you can already sense how I really feel.]

[I do...but our Lord said that such feelings are best processed through words...or something along those lines...] Nepherage said. [So...mind sharing with me your thoughts?]

I was silent for a couple of moments, trying to figure out the best way to verbalize my pain. Eventually, I took a page out of the Maestro’s book and told myself, "Fuck it".

[You know... I once read that at a certain point in the Maestro’s cultivation, he would be able to turn humans into kaijin as well,] I told Nepherage. [But at his current level, he’s able to bring back kaijin like me because I still had unfinished business. Like Frosttusk. Like the Gallop Brothers. Did they ever tell you what it was like? Being pulled out from the afterlife and put into a new body?]

[They haven’t,] Nepherage answered. [But I also haven’t really asked them about the experience either.]

[Well, let me tell you, it’s...a weird feeling,] I admitted to her. [The Gallop Brothers said that they were in some eternal prairie where they could ride until the end of time until this weird door showed up and offered them a choice. My experience was similar, but I didn’t get an eternal paradise that I could run across forever.]

As the words came out of my mouth, I felt something in me stir. Like it was something I needed to get off my chest as soon as possible.

[Okay...so what was the place that you were in like?] Nepherage asked when she noticed my silence.

[I remember being in a void of some kind, purgatory I guess? Until, like a lighting bolt, a door appeared before me,] I explained to Nepherage. [I didn’t have eyes but I could see it in front of me. I didn’t have hands but I could somehow feel the texture of the knob. And I didn’t have ears, but I could hear this weird voice coming from it. Well...I guess it would be more accurate for me to say that I could hear a single question being asked of me...well, two actually.]

The moment I said the word "two," I felt compelled to hold up my hand and present two of my webbed fingers. They felt natural to me, even though I knew these hands of mine weren’t originally mine.

[What were the questions?] Nepherage asked.

[The first question was simply asking me if I wanted to come back here.] I answered while banging the ground with my fist. [Back to life, back to the struggle, back to the grindset. I was actually tempted to say no at the time.]

[I can understand that,] Nepherage nodded. [Life is complicated, and I imagine no longer having to worry about it sounded quite nice.]

[It did!] I agreed. [But then I was asked the second question and...well...it led to me being here.]

I was silent after saying my piece, with the small hope that I wouldn’t have to explain myself.

Unfortunately, the volcanic valkyrie asked a follow up. ℯℯ𝑙.

[What was that question? Why did it compell you?]

[Aish...]

I took a long, deep breath in order to steady myself.

I didn’t need to breath, I didn’t even have lungs to do stuff with. However, the little action still helped to soothe my raging emotions.

[I was asked...if I wanted to see him again.]

[Oh...]

The [Core] in my chest, the [Humming Core of Determinarion], came from Draigo.

Being able to see him again was something I thought would only be possible once he died too, but now we were both alive.

But...we were also worlds apart.

He was human.

I wasn’t.

And despite me having seen cases of kaijin and humans being able to be together, how would I know that Draigo would still want me.

I’m not even sure if I was still "me".

[You know...my biggest fear is running into Draigo again and him ultimately rejecting me,] I told Nepherage. [I...don’t know if I’m the same woman he loved and lost all those years ago...I’m not even sure if what I’m feeling for him can even be considered real.]

Nepherage was silent as I ranted, but I could feel the sympathy flowing out of her like a river.

[That scream...that stupid scream...] I hissed as I relives the nightmare it had shown me once more.

[I learned from the curators after the fact that that scream was an aether art known as Nightmare Shriek. It forces someone to see their worst fear. In our case, it made us feel like we lived through it,] I said despite knowing that Nepherage probably already learned this from the curators. [And what I saw...was...terrible...]

What the scream had shown me was both my worst fear...and my most distant dream.

In my nightmare, I had murdered Draigo in cold blood, his blood was staining my hands like spilled wine.

And yet, this wasn’t the entire story.

After I had killed him, the Maestro had turned Draigo into a kaijin.

Once he was a kaijin, I had spilled my heart to them, saying that I loved him even beyond death and I looked forward to spending our newly immortal lives together...assuming the Maestro didn’t kick the bucket during that time.

That was when things got fuzzy, though.

I had been shown two very distinct, but very possible nightmare scenarios.

The first was simply rejection.

Draigo rejected me, his new state of being, and then decided that the only course of action left was to self-destruct.

This was a terrible outcome...but one that was more palatable than the other.

The other outcome was that Draigo would forget everything.

It didn’t happen with Frosttusk, me, or the Gallop Brothers, but...there was still chance that Draigo could lose those memories once he was transformed.

As I remembered these horrible nightmares, the sun had finally set, and the moon and stars began to shine down on me.

[I don’t know if I could handle the idea of being reunited with Draigo...and I hate the fact that I had wanted him dead so that the Maestro could change him. Does...does that make me a bad person? Do I even count as one anymore?!] I asked through bitter tears I thought I couldn’t make any more.

Nepherage didn’t respond.

She simply patted my head.