Imperfect Desires

Darren his baby boy in his arms as he carried him away to their tent. He zipped it up and placed his son down. At least, he tried to do so but Rowan was hugging his neck tightly as he sniffled like a sad puppy. 

Darren felt his heart clenching seeing his son like this. If he had known this would happen, he'd have actually locked his collection. Of course, he couldn't throw away his Chen Xiu collection at any cost. No matter what, she was still a part of his life. His Sweets could never escape from her past. And she didn't have to either. 

He patted Rowan's back soothingly as he tried to comfort his son. "Rowan..." he called out softly but Rowan didn't reply. "Talk to me."

Rowan pulled away from him a little and looked at his father with his teary eyes, "Baba, is she really gone?"

For a moment, Darren felt like telling him the whole truth about his mother but he held himself back. He knew his son was too young to carry this truth. Even if he had to tell his son the truth, it wasn't the right time for that. It just wasn't.

"She..." Darren hesitated before adding, "Isn't really gone."

Rowan looked at his father with a hopeful look in his eyes that had turned red from rubbing so much. 

"People often forget the ones who are gone for good," said Darren. "But someone like Chen Xiu is not really gone. She is still alive. Because..." he tapped his son's nose as he went on, "Because her little fans like you are keeping her alive in their hearts."

Rowan's shoulders slumped down, "You don't have to coax me like a kid. I can understand what death means. She is gone forever. I'm so sad. I was looking forward to meeting her one day."

"I'm not coaxing you," said Darren. "I'm telling you the truth. She is alive. If you don't believe me, ask your momma. Has she ever lied to you before?"

Rowan shook his head instantly, "Mommy never lies to me about anything." He hesitated before adding, "But how is that even possible?"

"You first tell me why and how Chen Xiu inspired you to become an actor?" asked Darren.

Rowan thought about it again and told him, "I don't know. Just seeing her acting, I felt like she pulled me into another world. And I wanted to become a part of that world. It's almost like you're living a different life with each character you play."

Darren looked at his son and rubbed his head, "You're truly your mother's son."

"What do you mean?"

Darren shook his head and asked, "Do you still want to be an actor?"

"Now, I want to become one even more," told Rowan. "Even if she isn't around, I want to keep her love for acting alive."

"How do you know she loved acting?"

"I can see it," retorted Rowan. "I'm a kid and I still managed to see her love for acting. How can anyone miss that out?"

"Then do your best and make her proud," said Darren.

"Do you think she'll be proud?" asked Rowan innocently. "But she isn't even gonna be able to see me."

"Trust me, she'll be seeing you," said Darren. "And she'll be the one proudest of you as well."

"Baba..."

"Hm?"

"Did you know Chen Xiu?"

Darren nodded his head.

"You met her?" Rowan sounded excited when he questioned his father.

Darren nodded again, "I did meet her."

"What was she like in person?"

"A little bit naive and a whole lot of crazy," said Darren and chuckled to himself.

"I'm asking you about Chen Xiu, not mommy!" 

Darren glanced at him, "There isn't much difference between the two though."

"What are you saying?" Rowan frowned at his father. "Chen Xiu is Chen Xiu, mommy is mommy. Although mommy's name is also Xiu, it isn't the same thing."

Darren ruffled his hair, "You don't have to use your small brain on this. Focus on your present. It's true that your Chen Xiu is gone but your life is only beginning. Life and death are inseparable. It's a truth we can only accept, we can neither fight with it nor can we deny it."

"I understand that," said Rowan as he hugged his knees. "I was just sad that I couldn't see my idol. That's a bit unfair. The person who made me fall in love with acting is no more. That's a big blow."

"Where do you even learn to talk big?"

"Mommy," answered Rowan.

"Right, I shouldn't forget that."

"Yes, Baba, you should not forget that." Rowan hesitated for a moment before asking his father, "Do you think I can become an actor like Chen Xiu?"

"No," answered Darren making Rowan pout. "Chen Xiu was Chen Xiu. You are you. How can it be the same thing? It's alright for you to look up to her but don't try to become her."

"Why?"

"She was a mess. A complete mess," said Darren honestly. "The reason why she loved acting so much was because, it was her only way to escape the reality of her personal life. I don't want you to be like that. You have me and your mother with you. It's okay for you to love acting but don't ever turn it into a necessity of your life."

There were certain things that Rowan didn't understand but that didn't mean he didn't not down his father's words mentally. Even he knew that he was too young to understand everything but he was willing to do so. He didn't mind putting in a little bit of effort.

Rowan hugged his father tightly, "Thank you!"

"For what?"

"For always supporting me and also telling me that you're here for me."

"You're my only son," said Darren. "If I won't be there for you, what else am I gonna do?"

"Still, you're the best! I love you!"

"Don't get chummy with me," warned Darren. "I'm still not sharing my wife with you."

"That's my mother!"

"I don't care!"

"I take back my words! You're not the best!"

Darren chuckled, "A man should never take back his words."

"Good thing, I'm just a baby!"

"Tsk. Such dirty tricks."

Rowan stuck out his tongue at his father.