Imperfect Desires

Xiu's life had so many twists and turns that she had long stopped believing in coincidences. That's why she didn't believe that it was a coincidence that she was able to meet Xin Zhao's butler in a foreign land and that too as Chen Xiu. She also didn't believe that it was just a coincidence that in Xin Zimen's big study, her eyes only stopped on that one book. 

But she did believe that there was a higher power that guided her all throughout. Since the time she had come to terms with her rebirth, she had come to believe in a lot more things. Things that usually didn't make sense to people. She didn't take any of it as a joke any longer. 

The joke would be on her if she still didn't believe in fate. They say a person's life is three parts fate and seven parts the choices he makes. But she would like to argue that even with those seven parts choice, a person would still not be able to escape the three parts fate. That's just how fate works. 

It's complicated. It's hard to explain. But it always has something planned for us.

"Are you okay?" inquired Xin Kuan as he looked at her face through the rearview mirror.

Xiu hummed in reply.

"Then why didn't stay longer for the show?"

"The show?" repeated Xiu as she opened her eyes and looked out the window. "I couldn't watch Ah-Xin crumbling down. And I couldn't see my father struggling to come to terms with the facts."

"And here I thought you're a strong person."

"Don't we all strong people have something that makes us weak? Besides, my strength is back home. I've exhausted the strength I borrowed from him."

"How come you never forget to bring your husband in any conversation?" Xin Kuan was amused at how easily Xiu always managed to bring up Darren's name into any of their conversations. But it also proved that she really was missing him.

Xiu smiled genuinely at him, "How can I forget him? Xiu is Xiu because of Regan. Without Regan, Xiu is nothing."

"That's some strong statement."

"And I mean it." Her words were resolute and it showed that she really meant her words. 

"Do you want to catch a flight back home tonight?"

Xiu thought about it carefully before shaking her head, "No... I'll go back home tomorrow."

"Aren't you eager to see your husband?"

"I still have something to do tomorrow."

Xin Kuan didn't ask what she had to do tomorrow. He silently drove her back to the hotel and only after seeing her enter the Suite, he turned around to leave. He had to go back to the Xin Manor since he was feeling uneasy about leaving Xin Zimen there.

As Xiu entered, she saw Bo Jiu waiting with her suitcase. "You're leaving?" she asked with a raise of her brow.

Bo Jiu nodded her head, "Yes."

Xiu went up to her and said, "Thank you for your help! You could refuse to get involved in this mess but you didn't do it. If in the future, you need me for anything, don't hesitate to ask. I owe you this time."

Bo Jie laughed foolishly, "Xiuxiu, you don't owe me anything. We might not have spent much time with you but I really do respect you a lot. I did everything, not for you, I did it because I was bored. So, don't feel like you owe me anything."

Xiu knew she was just saying it but she felt happy hearing that. She hugged her and talked about random things before she watched Han Bohai coming out of the room and recalled something she forgot to ask, "By the way, I've been meaning to ask you. Why do you hate my Xiao Bobo so much?"

"Because he is a male actor with a handsome face," answered Bo Jiu.

"What kind of an answer is that?" questioned Han Bohai who had also been wondering why he was despised by this tech genius.

"My ex-boyfriend was an actor. He cheated on me with one of his fans," replied Bo Jiu. "So, I hate all handsome actors now!"

"Bloody hell! Why am I taking the burnt for someone else's crimes?!" exclaimed Han Bohai but Bo Jiu didn't reply. She said goodbye to Xiu and left. She came like a wind and blew away like the wind as well. "Something is wrong with her brain."

"Everything is wrong with my brain," said Xiu. "And yet you love me."

"That's different," argued Han Bohai. 

Xiu was about to walk back inside her bedroom when she stopped and said, "Xiao Bobo, tomorrow I'm going to West Lake Cemetry. Want to go with me?"

Han Bohai's body stiffened when he heard her say that. He stared at her for a long time before asking, "Why?"

Xiu shrugged her shoulders, "I feel like going."

Han Bohai felt strange inside but he still nodded his head. He couldn't let her go there all alone. So, it was better to follow her there.

After Xiu walked inside her bedroom, she fell on the bed. She didn't even change out of her gown. She didn't even want to move at all after everything. 

.....

The next morning, Han Bohai got ready to go out with Xiu. What happened back at Xin Manor, Xiu had no idea. She neither try to inquire about it nor was she interested in it. 

As they came out, they were met with Xin Kuan who was waiting for them. He looked tired. 

"Uncle Kuan, I can go with Xiao Bobo. You can rest."

Xin Kuan shook his head, "No way. I can't let you go alone."

Xiu nodded her head and got inside the car with Han Bohai. 

"The Xin Family has turned upside down within a night," informed Xin Kuan. Even if she didn't ask, he was still gonna tell her everything, "Xin Zhao murdered the Wen Clan's previous head, so he will be dealt with by the Wen Clan."

"Ah-Xin didn't say anything about that?"

"Xiao Zi knows very well. Murdering a Wen Clan's descendant is a huge crime. The punishment he will have to go through in Wen Clan is far worse than Xiao Zi can offer." He took a pause and explained, "You must have heard that Wen Clan are royal descendants?" Xiu nodded her head. "Wen Ai was like the previous Empress for the Clan people. So, now, Xin Zhao has to live in purgatory for the rest of his life. He is already old, killing him will not make any of satisfied with the outcome."

"Well, I have nothing to say about that," replied Xiu offhandedly. He honestly thought it didn't concern her now. She had done her part. She wanted to find her mother's murderer, she had done it. How he was punished, others would definitely know it better than her.

"This morning, the police have arrested Chi Family along with your grandmother and several other members of the Xin family that had been involved in embezzling the funds and other corporate crimes. Their properties are already confiscated. The media has covered everything. Even before the court hearing, they are finished."

Xiu continued to hear as he Xin Kuan told her these things. One could see how disinterested she seemed right now.

"Xin Suyin committed suicide last night."

That last statement made Xiu pause a little.

"She locked herself in a room and cut her veins. The entire night, she continued to bleed. The last of her breath was take this morning. It was a slow and painful death."

Xiu's jaw clenched as she closed her eyes but when she opened her eyes, everything was clear. Even the world seemed brighter than ever before. Did she feel bad for Xin Suyin? No! Did she regret giving her that knife? No! But did she expect Xin Suyin would dare take her own life? The answer was still a no!

And that's why she paused earlier. Because she never thought Xin Suyin would make the same choice as Liu Nuan. The two women who pushed Chen Xiu to commit suicide actually got the same end. The only difference was Liu Nuan gave herself an easy way out by shooting herself but Xin Suyin chose the worst of all. She chose to bleed slowly. She must have felt her life draining along with that blood. 

Xiu's eyes darken for a moment before it cleared up again, "Uncle Kuan, can you stop at a flower shop?"

When Xin Kaun parked the car outside a flower shop, Xiu went down to get a bouquet of roses. White roses. 

As they came to the cemetery, Xin Kuan was surprised at first and then he was curious to know why she was here. And that's why he followed her. At a far corner, Han Bohai stopped and pointed at the gravestone, Xiu looked at the lonely grave and then at the picture of the smiling girl on it. 

"That's one of my favorite photos," she said.

Han Bohai looked away from her and from the grave, "I know. I took that photo of yours."

Xiu nodded her head, "Yes. You did." Xiu crouched down and cleaned up the gravestone before placing the bouquet of white roses beside it. 

On the gravestone was written, 'In the loving memory of an angel, Chen Xiu.'

Xiu chuckled when she read that, "Who came up with that?"

"Your husband arranged for your funeral, don't you know that?"

Xiu looked at him oddly before she looked back at the familiar face in the photo that seemed really unfamiliar now. "I didn't know actually." She really didn't know that Darren had been involved in that funeral. After all, all she heard about that funeral was from the tv when she woke up in the hospital as Bai Xiu.

"Xiao Bobo, are you feeling weird coming here with me?" 

Han Bohai still didn't turn around as he replied, "Yes. I am feeling weird. Even if you're standing beside me right now, I won't be able to hold back my tears before this grave. I've cried far too many times here." His nose felt itchy but he didn't dare let his tears fall now. He didn't want to cry when his Sister Xiu was standing right beside him.

"I'm also feeling weird," she said. "But I had to come here. Since my rebirth, I have done everything to set myself apart from her. However, I wasn't able to do so. At the end of the day, I'll still be Chen Xiu."

Han Bohai didn't know what she wanted to do here. But when he looked at that bouquet of white roses, he felt complicated. White roses represented purity and innocence. It was the perfect flower for Chen Xiu's image. But the same flower represented a sign of respect and remembrance. Maybe finally, she was willing to remember the part of her that made her Chen Xiu.

"I finally realized that I can't forget either Chen Xiu or Destiny Novell. Both are me. I am both of them. In the end, I'm Bai Xiu who has the body of Destiny and soul of Chen Xiu. I have a responsibility to keep them both alive in some way. And I am no longer gonna betray both of them."

On the other side, Xin Kuan couldn't hear their conversation but he was stunned when he saw whose grave it was that she came to. Lately, he also thought that the name Chen Xiu had been too involved with everyone around them. And now, even Xiu was here. He felt strange about it.

She stayed there for an hour and after that, she came back to the car. "Uncle Kuan, I heard Jinhai is awake. Can you take me to the hospital to see him before leaving?"

"Yes!"