Imperfect Desires

Su Xixi was actually surprised to hear that. She knew Xiao Li very well. Just like Wen Ai never differentiated between Xiao Li and Ying, she never did as well. To her, Xiao Li was like her own son. And she was all too well familiar with what kind of person he was or what he had become over the years.

Now, one would wonder if she cared about Xiao Li so much, why she didn't show up to his wedding. The answer was simple, she knew that marriage was a part of Xiao Li's elaborated plan. However, she didn't agree with him sacrificing himself just because he wanted to teach Qiu Meihui a lesson. And that's why she refused to attend the wedding that wasn't even for his happiness.

If someone told her years ago that Xiao Li believed in Chen Xiu being his sister because of hearsay, she might have believed it but now... It was impossible for him to strongly believe something he didn't have a proof of.

"And what's the reason behind his belief?" asked Su Xixi.

"Maybe because he has an evidence stronger than mine," replied Ying. "However, he refused to disclose it to me. So, I can't be sure about that. But last night, he strongly stressed on the fact that Chen Xiu was Xin Xiulin."

"And if he is certain, why is he quiet about it?" asked Su Xixi. "Shouldn't he be telling this to his father?"

"Although he is certain, he wants to hear it all from Chen Hana herself. He wants to know why or how Chen Hana had his sister in the first place. And he also wants to know why she didn't protect Xiulin better." Ying observed her mother's expressions before adding, "I think you must have already heard that Chen Xiu didn't live an easy life." She cleared her throat and continued, "Also, telling Zizi is out of the picture for now. Not just because Chen Xiu didn't lead an easy life but also because her death wasn't simple either."

"You both better continue to keep quiet about it," warned Su Xixi. "Even if Chen Xiu was Xiulin, you both need to watch your words around him. Losing his daughter once had done enough damage to him. I don't want him to go through it all over again."

"Mom, why do you look so nervous all of a sudden?" inquired Ying in confusion. "You have never been nervous about anything."

"You were young back then so you definitely don't know what happened to Zimen when his daughter died." Just the reminder made Su Xixi clench her fists.

*Flashback*

Su Xixi was in a remote country and by the time she received the news of Xiulin's death, it had been over two weeks since the incident. She tried to come back as soon as she could. And when she walked into the house, even the air in that house was stifling.

"Ai!" she rushed over to her best friend who was staring blankly into space. Seeing Wen Ai's swollen, bloodshot eyes along with her pale complexion, she could tell what kind of days she must have passed. She had to shake her shoulder to get her attention and finally when Wen Ai's eyes focused on Su Xixi's figure, she wrapped her arms around her waist and buried her face in her stomach as her tears fell again. 

Just seeing her best friend like that, Su Xixi felt her heart-stopping. Her best friend didn't have a habit of crying. She barely even cried when all of her family members were killed right before her eyes even though she was very young at that time. 

Su Xixi patted her back to soothe her and as she asked, "What happened? Tell me clearly what happened?"

"She is gone," said Wen Ai. "I couldn't save her...." Her words were broken and barely made sense to Su Xixi. She only understood parts of it. "I went back for her but she was gone. She is no more!"

"Shhh... Stop crying first. Don't you say that crying doesn't fix anything?" She looked around the silent house and asked, "Where is Zimen? Why isn't he with you?"

"He is in his room," replied Wen Ai. "I can't bring myself to look at him."

Before Su Xixi could continue, she heard someone coming down the stairs and looked up. "Oh, Xixi, when did you come?" It was Xin Zimen who stood at the stairs. He offered a smile which shocked Su Xixi. That's not what she was expecting to see. "You must be tired after the long journey. You should have gone to rest first. Why are you so eager to come and see your best friend?"

Su Xixi looked at Wen Ai with an inquisitive look and the latter just sighed out.

Su Xixi walked over to him and asked, "Zimen, are you okay?"

"What could possibly go wrong with me?" retorted Xin Zimen. He pointed at Wen Ai and said, "You should be worrying about your best friend. She is the one who has been crying for days now. No matter what I say, she doesn't even listen. She's been acting weird lately."

Wen Ai stared at him with tears in her eyes and shouted, "It's not me! You're acting weird, Ah-Xin!"

"How am I acting weird?" asked Xin Zimen.

"Zimen, where is Xiulin?" Su Xixi stared at Xin Zimen and asked straightforwardly. She could visibly see his whole body trembling at just the mention of her name. 

"Why are you asking about my daughter?" he retorted and tried to walk away but Su Xixi held his arm to stop him.

Wen Ai also went up to his side and held his hand as she said, "Ah-Xin if you kept holding it in, it'll destroy you. If it's hurting, can't you at least tell me about it? If you won't even share your pain with me, how am I supposed to help you?"

Xin Zimen stepped back from both of them as he said, "What? You both want me to cry?"

"That'd be better than what you're doing now," said Su Xixi.

Xin Zimen's lips trembled before he bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes. "Why are you both not understanding that if I cried, I'll have to accept that my daughter is gone! I'll have to accept that I'll never be able to hear her voice. Or hear her silvery laugh. Or her calling out to me." He held the railing of the staircase to support himself before adding, "And if I accepted that, I won't be able to breathe." He clutched his chest as he crouched down and went on, "Why don't you understand that I can't breathe without her. It hurts knowing that while I'm taking a breath, my precious daughter isn't capable of taking a breath anymore."

Su Xixi clenched her hands as she watched his condition. He really seemed to be having trouble breathing. She kneeled down beside him as she looked at his face and said, "Ai, call the ambulance! Now!"

*End of Flashback*

Even to this day, Su Xixi wasn't able to forget any of it. She had never seen Xin Zimen breaking like that. He stayed in denial for way too long but when he really accepted the death of his daughter, he lost his will to do anything else. If it wasn't for Xiao Li and Ah-Si, he might have never even pushed himself to get back on his feet again.

"Mom, you're worried about Zizi?" asked Ying.

"There is hardly anyone who worries about him," said Su Xixi. "He learned to put up a strong front so maybe people forgot what he went through. Perhaps people really forgot the pain for him was twice as intense as was his love for his daughter. That was my first time believing that heartbreak could really push someone to the door of death."

"Is that why you don't want him to learn any of it?"

"Nothing good will come out of it. Let the dead stay where they belong. Don't hurt him more than he already is," said Su Xixi. She thought about something and added, "Especially now, when he finally found his smile back."

"Huh?" Ying was confused.

"Although I don't know how she did it, I have to say that Bai Xiu is really magical. Her presence seems to be healing Zimen. And I would like to let it stay that way."

Ying felt her nose sting for some reason. She looked at her mother and said, "I'll talk to Ah-Li. I'm sure he won't say anything he isn't supposed to. Besides, he has been hiding it because he didn't want to hurt Zizi."

Su Xixi stood up to leave and placed her hand on her daughter's head as she said, "You don't have to stress yourself. Why or how Chen Hana got to Xiao Li, I'll find it myself. You concentrate on resting. If I saw you wandering around uselessly, I'll make sure to break your other leg as well!"