Imperfect Desires

Ah-Si thought about Darren's words and said, "Can you also tell me how to forget it all? Is there an easy way to forget it? Because I can't seem to forget it." He looked at Xiu and added, "In the future, whenever I'll look at her, I'll remember it all over again. So, I don't think I'll be able to forget it."

Xiu frowned at him, "Are you telling me to disappear?"

"Why are you twisting my words?" retorted Ah-Si. "I'm just saying I won't be able to forget it."

"Then accept it," suggested Xiu. "The best way for you is to just accept it all. Let's see it this way... You don't know anything about Bai Xiu. You don't know what she was like. From the beginning, you have met me. And only me. Then you shouldn't find it difficult to accept it. You can just treat me as you've been doing so far."

"You're right. It shouldn't change much for me since I've only met you," said Ah-Si. "But what about Nora?" Xiu covered her eyes with her own hand as he went on, "She met both you and Bai Xiu. She doesn't know that someone else's soul is now living inside the body of her best friend."

"And I don't wish for her to know either," replied Xiu. 

"You want to keep lying to her?" questioned Ah-Si.

Xiu exhaled, "If this lie can save her from pain, then yes! I'm very willing to keep up this lie." Ah-Si's brows furrowed up slightly, "Telling her that her best friend is actually dead won't do her any good. Maybe my heart would feel better once I tell her everything honestly but have you thought about what it would do to her? Even without knowing either Chen Xiu or Bai Xiu, you're looking so conflicted and bothered. What about her?"

"Ah-Si, the fewer people know, the better," said Darren. "No one wants to deceive anyone here. Especially my Sweets. But when the truth seems inconceivable, it's better to let the lies go on."

"Right!" agreed Xiu. "Besides, you never know people. What if someone put me in a mental asylum? Although I do think I belong there, I don't want to go there."

Darren knocked on her head lightly, "Stop talking nonsense."

"Oh..." responded Xiu and didn't speak again.

"I learned something from my brother," said Ah-Si and hesitated for a long time. "Chen Xiu... I mean you are not related to Aunt Suyin."

Xiu hummed softly, "I just learned that as well."

Ah-Si brows raised up, "Aren't you surprised? Or aren't you feeling bad after learning about this?"

"Why should I?" retorted Xiu.

"Because from what I heard, you chose to die after learning that you're Aunt Suyin's daughter."

Xiu had a look of enlightenment as she told him, "I'm over that now. Since knowing that I'm her daughter made me hate my existence, now knowing that I'm not her daughter has given me a new purpose in life." She smiled at him, "You really won't be able to understand my feelings."

"At the moment, I'm even struggling to understand you and not just your feelings," replied Ah-Si. "Anyway, I also learned that Chen Hana wasn't your mother either."

Xiu hummed again, "Yeah. Got to know that as well."

Ah-Si continued to keep an eye on her expressions as he went on, "Then aren't you curious about yourself?" Xiu raised her brows inquisitively. "Aren't you curious to know about Chen Xiu's identity? Her parents? Her family? Or who she really was? Where she came from? How she ended up with Chen Hana? And if Chen Xiu was really her name?"

"Are you trying to make me feel miserable by reminding me of that?" asked Xiu.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You're reminding me that Chen Xiu wasn't my real name. Just like Bai Xiu isn't my name as well. So, that makes me a no-name soul who lived two lifetimes on borrowed names. Isn't that miserable?"

Ah-Si was stunned by her words and hurriedly said, "That wasn't my intention. I only pointed it out because I wanted to know whether you thought about who you really were. I had really no other intention."

"Forget it," Xiu stopped him from continuing. "It really doesn't matter. It won't change anything. As I said to Regan earlier, whoever Chen Xiu was, she is dead."

"But you're here," Ah-Si blurted out.

"That changes nothing," said Xiu firmly. "Even if Chen Xiu had a family, they must know that she is dead. And if they have already accepted her death, what's the point in going back to hurt them? It'll only hurt them more. Besides, I'll have no way to prove my identity as Chen Xiu either."

"What if I have a clue about Chen Xiu's family?" questioned Ah-Si.

Xiu stared into his eyes without blinking as she said, "Then you better keep that clue to yourself. I don't wish to complicate my life more than it already is."

"You really don't wish to meet your family?" 

Xiu continued, "I consider this my family now which includes you. Are you telling me you don't want me to be a part of this family?"

Ah-Si went quiet at that. He really wanted to tell her about the speculations that his brother and Ying Jie had but how was he supposed to say it when she seemed too firm about her decision. He wanted to tell her that there was a chance that they were not just cousins but actually siblings. But he didn't have any definite proof of that for now.

He couldn't speak anything just based on speculations. He had to wait for his brother to find evidence first. Once he had the answer to whether Chen Xiu was really their sister Xin Xiulin, then he wouldn't even have to care about whether she wanted to know about her family or not. 

However, just as he thought about what Xiu said, he couldn't help frowning. She was right, a lot of things were complicating her life already and once their speculations turned out to be true, it'll only get worse. He couldn't even imagine how it'd be once everything got cleared up.

Of course, he knew his father would accept his daughter in any way. He'd be over the moon just to have his daughter with him again. But what about his uncle who just got the chance to have a daughter? It was beyond complicated and someone was bound to get hurt in this complication. 

"Don't think so much, you'll go bald otherwise." Ah-Si's train of thoughts broke as he heard Xiu's word and his eyes focused on her face again. He couldn't find a hint of worry or anxiousness on her face. It seemed strange to see a peaceful look in her eyes now since he knew what she was going through. "Instead of thinking about my life, focus on yourself."

"And how am I supposed to do that?" questioned Ah-Si.

"Look at yourself," said Xiu. "You got sick so easily. How will my Uncle Jing feel safe handing over his precious daughter to you?"

"I'll bring you as my advocate," replied Ah-Si.

"Me?" 

Ah-Si nodded his head, "I'm your brother now, won't you help me?"

"Not like I can't do that," Xiu made a face at him. "But you need to take better care of yourself. If something bothers you again, talk it out. Keeping it in is like feeding on poison. And trust me, it might be a slow poison but it's the most toxic and painful one. No one knows that better than me."

"How about I come to talk to you then?"

Xiu shrugged her shoulder, "Why not? You can count on me, little brother!"

"I'm the older one between us," Ah-Si pointed out.

Xiu grinned at him, "Aiyo! I told you, I'm Chen Xiu. My body might be 24, I'm already over 28 now." And that's how she concluded, "That makes me the older one. Don't expect me to call you Ge. That's not happening. Ever!"

"How stingy!" complained Ah-Si. "I can't even hear Ge from my younger cousin since an old lady is living in her body."

"Hey! Who are you calling old here?"

Ah-Si laughed at her reaction and said, "I shouldn't be calling you old. You act like a kid after all. But then again, old people do tend to act like kids."

"Ah-Si!"

"Stop teasing my wife," warned Darren.

"Darren, your wife is now my sister," retorted Ah-Si. "I have all the right to tease her. Didn't she just say I'm younger than her. Then as the younger one, I have all the right to annoy my elder sister."

"He is a fast learner," said Xiu.

"Thank you for the compliment," said Ah-Si as he stood up. "Now, I'm gonna take my leave. You both have a good rest. I'll come to see you both again."

"You better take a good rest yourself and stop overthinking!" 

"Got it, Sister Xiu!"