Imperfect Desires

'Ah-Si, listen to mom. No matter what you hear, don't come out.'

'Where is mommy going?'

'I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here with you. I won't leave you. Ever!'

'Promise?'

'Promise!'

~~~

Nora watched how a tear slid down Ah-Si's face and his body shook as if he was in pain. She touched his face in worry, "Ah-Si? Are you having a bad dream? Wake up!" She tried shaking him awake.

He opened his eyes and breathed harshly. His body was trembling and Nora could see cold sweat on his face. She hugged him tightly and silently patted his back.

It took him a while to calm down. Although his breathing evened out, Nora could see that he was still not feeling well. He looked troubled by something.

"What were you dreaming about?" she asked.

"My mom," he answered.

Nora had heard about how when Ah-Si's mother was sent to the hospital in her last moments, he was the only one around her. And she also knew that he had psychological trauma because of that as well. However, she never really heard him say all of that himself. It was as if Ah-Si didn't even want to repeat it.

She never asked either because she didn't want to scratch at his wounds. She got in bed with him and hugged his body.

"I'm sweating," he said, however, didn't try to push her away.

"It doesn't matter," she replied. 

"Where is Ava?" inquired Ah-Si.

"Stop worrying about her," replied Nora. "She is with her most favorite person. Even she is biased."

Ah-Si chuckled softly, "It's okay. You have me."

Nora smiled happily and said, "When I heard you have a fever, I wanted to bring Xiu's baseball bat to beat you! I mean if you aren't feeling well, shouldn't you say something? Why wait for it to get worse?"

Ah-Si touched her hair saying, "I didn't realize something was wrong."

"Forget it, it's my fault. I have been so busy with the kids lately that I couldn't see something was wrong with you."

"It's alright. It's not like anything bad happened."

Nora didn't argue with him. She continued to hold him in silence for a while. "Ah-Si..."

"Hm?"

"I've never heard you talk about your mother," said Nora. 

"What is there to talk about someone who left too early?"

Nora was surprised to hear that, "Don't you remember her?"

Ah-Si smiled at her, "The problem is I remember her all too well."

"I heard she was a very interesting person," said Nora.

"Interesting?" repeated Ah-Si as his eyes flashed with an indescribable emotion. "It's strange but I don't remember my mother as others do. The mother in my memory is very different from the one in others' memory."

"What do you mean?"

"I've heard my mother was a troublemaker, she loved to smile, she loved to make others smile, but she equally loved to make others cry as well. She was bright, energetic, always looking for a thrill in life. She wasn't scared of anything. She lived in the moment forgetting about the past or future." He took a pause and added, "But I've seen a very different version of hers. I've seen her crying. I've seen her vulnerable. I've seen her fear. I've seen her losing herself." He looked at Nora and went on, "She changed after my sister died."

"Sister?" asked Nora.

Ah-Si nodded his head, "After her death, she really lost her smile." He patted her head as he saw the look on her face and added, "Don't get me wrong, she was still the best mother. She always tried to take care of me and bro as best as she could. But in the middle of the night, she'd cry herself to sleep. She cried until she couldn't cry at all. I was too young to understand what was wrong with her."

"I can understand that," said Nora. "I've done the same when I didn't know that Ava is alive. I felt cold at night and tried to bring warmth to myself by hugging a human-sized teddy bear. And I did cry myself to sleep as well. It's really not easy for a mother to lose a child. If I felt that way when I didn't even get to see my baby girl, then it must be worse for your mother who raised her daughter with so much love."

Ah-Si pursed his lips as his eyes brimmed with tears again, "Nora..."

"Hm?"

"What did you feel when you learned about Ava?" He took a pause and went on, "I mean the daughter you thought died, came back alive to you. How did it feel?"

Nora took a deep breath and with a thoughtful look, she answered, "I won't be able to describe that feeling in words. I was in disbelief, I was excited and happy. I felt like it was a dream but it was a dream I wanted to hold onto desperately. The feeling of euphoria seeped into my soul and I felt drunk on it. And I also felt scared. It was a strange experience but one I would always remember and cherish."

Ah-Si went silent as he heard her. He was still thinking about the conversation between his brother and Ying. If they were really telling the truth that Chen Xiu was really his sister, then why did his family had to suffer so much? And how much did his sister had to suffer outside in this cruel world?

Nora felt something wet and looked at his face to see him crying silently. She was stunned. "Ah-Si, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Tell me, what's going on?"

He shook his head as he let her wipe his tears and said, "Nothing. Today, I just seem to miss my mom and my sister very much." He tried to laugh but it sounded sadder to her as he continued, "I know I'm acting like a kid. But I can't help it. Even at this age, I'm missing my mom."

Nora kissed his forehead as she said, "Who said you can't miss her at this age? Although I fight with my mom like we are enemies, I still miss her when she is not around. Growing up doesn't mean we don't need our parents anymore."