Imperfect Desires

Although Xin Zimen thought of Xiu's maturity as admirable, he still felt sad about it as well. Because it just solidified his initial evaluation of hers; she grew up too soon. For someone of her age, this kind of maturity was really rare. It made his heart feel itchy. He wanted to probe her heart and learn about what made her grow up so fast. 

But he couldn't bring himself to ask straightforwardly. Because he was scared to touch a wound she was desperately trying to cover up. He'd never want to intentionally hurt her. Just like that the eyes looking at her face softened even more than before.

And while Xin Zimen was dying to learn about her, Xiu wasn't much different. She didn't know why but every time she learned something about Wen Ai, she'd find herself getting more curious. As if she wanted to know more. This kind of curiosity was different. It wasn't because she wanted to be in control of everything, it was because she found herself getting more and more attached to that name; Wen Ai.

With a silly smile on her face, she said, "As always she sounds very... Interesting." That was the only appropriate word she could think of right now. But seeing Xin Zimen laugh at her words, she was confused. "What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Little lass, you don't have to hold yourself back like this. I know the best way to describe my wife is a drama queen." 

"Pfftt!" 

Xiu couldn't help herself as she laughed out. But Xin Zimen didn't seem to mind as he smiled softly at her reaction and said, "I'm not kidding though. She was really a drama queen."

"If she was here you wouldn't be saying that," stated Xiu with a bit of melancholy and disappointment.

Xin Zimen shook his head, "If she was here, she'd not only tell you that she's a drama queen. She'd even get up to give one hell of a performance for you." Xiu's lips parted slightly but nothing came out. "You must have heard that Wen Ai grew up with Ying's mother?"

Xiu bobbed her head up and down, "Yes, I remember that."

"Su Xixi had a catchphrase for Wen Ai, 'She knows how to put on a show but to entertain herself.'" Xiu frowned at his words and he went on, "My wife was indeed like that. She loved putting on a show and she wasn't a shy person to back off easily either. But she'd never put on a show for others. She'd always do it to entertain or benefit herself."

Xiu didn't realize it but her lips had curved up into a sweet smile as she listened not only attentively but also longingly. 

"The word low-key didn't exist in her life. No matter what it was, she'd do it ostentatiously." He had a reminiscing look on his face as he spoke fondly about his wife. Everyone around him thought that bringing up Wen Ai's name would hurt him but the truth was that he even cherished the pain of those distant memories. After all, those memories were proof that she was once with him. 

In fact, he could talk for hours about her. He loved talking about her. But strangely, he had no one to share those memories with. Because both his sons avoided such conversations. Now, that he found someone like Xiu who was so interested in listening, how could he not talk? It'd be a pity if he didn't talk.

"No wonder her absence left you so dispirited," said Xiu thoughtfully. "She was the spirited person between the two of you. But she was also tricky and cunning."

"Oh, she was very cunning." Xin Zimen agreed without hesitation. 

"During her first pregnancy, she told me, 'Zi, you should learn how to cook.' I was confused as I asked why and she answered, 'Because the meal cooked by parents always have a touch of love.' I really didn't get her point as I told her that she could also learn it. Why was she forcing me but she didn't back off as she argued that, 'Both of us should do something for the kid. Since I'm actually taking the responsibility of nourishing the baby in my womb, you should also take some responsibility and learn to cook.'"

"Huh?" Xiu was dumbfounded to hear that and Xin Zimen chuckled at her response. 

"It doesn't make sense, right?"

Xiu shook her head, "No, that's not the problem. The problem is... Those words sound like something I would say."

Xin Zimen pursed his lips but didn't say anything to her in reply.

"Actually, since she had to suffer from nausea and morning sickness, then saw me eating as usual. She was irked and wanted to get back at me. That's why she suggested all sorts of bizarre things to bother me."

"Did it work?" questioned Xiu.

"It didn't really work," replied Xin Zimen honestly. "But she thought it worked because I'd always end up doing as she wished me to. As long as it made her gloat, I didn't mind giving in."

Even this time, Xiu's impression of their relationship didn't really change. In fact, now she was all the more convinced that their relationship was one of a kind. It was unique but heartwarming in its own way. And it was something only the two involved were able to perceive. Because they never let the opinion of any third person get between them.

....

Coming back to the present...

Darren was listening to Xiu's recount of what she talked about with Xin Zimen and asked, "Just because of this conversation you changed your mind?"

Xiu nodded her head but then shook it, "Yes and no as well. It wasn't exactly because of this conversation. It was more of because after I heard everything it brought me new enlightenment."

"What kind of enlightenment?" wondered Darren.

"I finally realized that no matter the age, no one is ever ready to be a parent. It's not something we can control and neither it is something we can get a trial of and choose whether we want to continue the subscription or cancel it. I mean you can't possibly shove the baby back where he came from."

Darren poked her head while shaking his own at the way she verbalized her thoughts. 

Xiu scrunched up her nose but continued, "I mean to say that whether it's a year later or a year earlier, it really doesn't make a difference. Freedom isn't found in the world, it already exists in our hearts. The point is whether we can find freedom within us or not."

Darren rubbed the side of his face against her hair as he asked, "And did my Sweets manage to find that freedom?"

Xiu laid her head on his shoulder as she answered, "I've already found it when I met you. I feel free when I'm with you. I feel my heart soaring to a new height whenever you're around. Then why should I look for my freedom elsewhere? I have it right here, at this very moment, with you. Since I'm the happiest at this moment, why bother spoiling the moment by conjectures of the future?"

Darren felt his heart rate spiking. But before he could say anything, she went on, "But that doesn't mean you can treat me like a paper doll. I'd still be doing what I want. As the doctor said to me, 'A child isn't a hindrance between you and your goals, a child is your biggest strength.'"

"And here I thought you didn't listen to the doctor."

"Well, it's something she repeated three times on purpose. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't ignore it." Xiu sounded a bit bitter as she responded but covered it up.

"I won't treat you like a paper doll but... I still have to take care of you." He paused before adding, "You want to cook yourself, I won't stop you. But I can play the role of your kitchen assistant, right?"

Xiu furrowed her brows, "Are you gonna stick to me like glue now?"

Darren nodded his head without hesitation, "Of course! I already settled everything. From today onwards, all of my time is yours. All of me is also yours."

"All of you are already mine but all of your time as well? Aren't you too well-prepared?"

Sensing her suspiciousness, Darren cleared his throat and said, "I originally wanted to take some time off of work so that we can have a long honeymoon. See? It all worked for the better now. I can stay with you at ease now."

"Honeymoon? Why can't I remember this discussion?"

"Because it never happened. I wanted to surprise you. Although you're pregnant, we can still go anywhere you like. You just have to choose a location."

Xiu was still suspicious of Darren. In fact, she was certain he wasn't telling her the truth but she didn't want to probe him. She knew Darren wouldn't hide anything from her on purpose. If he wasn't coming clean it meant he was worried about her. Since it was like that even she was helpless about it.