Imperfect Desires

Xiu propped her elbow and leaned against the window as she closed her eyes. The wheels in her brain were running as she desperately tried to remember. There was something threatening to spill out but at the same time, she wasn't able to grasp it at all. She could tell that Investigator Yan and those access cards sounded really familiar.

But it was definitely not the part of her own memory. Then it meant this familiar feeling was because of Destiny's memories. But up until now, she couldn't make much sense of those broken fragments that she recovered. And it was stressing her out. She was getting impatient because of all those missing puzzle pieces.

"Stress kills brain cells."

Xiu's eyes snapped open as she turned her head slightly to look at Gigi who was still driving with her utmost attention. She was on the verge of breaking the speed limit. But her driving had been so smooth that Xiu didn't even realize how fast they were going.

"I'm not stressing," Xiu replied softly as she lowered her eyes. "I was just trying to remember something important."

"Either way, you're straining your brain cells. That can be harmful in the long run."

Xiu rubbed her forehead saying, "I need to strain my brain cells to recall something urgently. How else will I be able to?"

"A study found that chronic stress has a negative impact on what is known as spatial memory, or the ability to recall information." Gigi's voice was smooth and calm as she went on, "Stress had been shown to impede memory retrieval. The more you're stress over remembering something, the more you won't be able to recall it. Because it's proven already that stress can hurt our memory just as it has the ability to change our brain structure and cause mental illnesses."

Xiu was quiet for a while because she couldn't retort after listening to her. How could she? Who would know better than her know about how stress was able to give birth to mental illnesses? She had gone through it first hand. But her words made her curious about something...

"You sound really confident in your words."

"Just as Investigator Yan's alias is being a renowned archaeologist, I'm a psychologist as well." Seeing Xiu's raised brows she added, "It makes our job easy."

Xiu thought about it before nodding as she said, "It's just like instead of assuming a fake identity, you already have a second perfect cover to walk around without any difficulty." Gigi gave a silent agreement. Xiu stared at the side of her face for a minute before asking, "Since you're experienced, I want to consult something."

"Please, go ahead."

"A person has retrograde amnesia but there is no head injury involved. I mean there is no traumatic injury or a serious illness or even degenerative brain diseases involved but somehow the person still can't recall anything from the past. Why?"

"Are you referring to your own condition, Ms. Bai?"

Xiu's eyes widened before she slowly exhaled from her mouth as her lips curved up slightly, "I should have known that you checked everything about me."

"Don't take it personally, Ms. Bai. It's a standard procedure. But it's different that your case had been very..." she looked at Xiu from her peripheral vision before adding, "Peculiar."

Xiu suddenly chuckled surprising her. "I don't mind your words at all. Everything happening around me is peculiar, it'd be strange if you didn't find me very peculiar as well." Shaking her head she again asked, "So as a professional what's your take on my memory loss?"

"When we gathered your file, I had studied it in detail," revealed Gigi plainly. "From my experience, I would say there are three possibilities of your memory loss." Xiu listened attentively. "You either experienced a stroke, a seizure or maybe worst... Cardiac arrest."

Xiu's body suddenly tensed up but she couldn't tell why. A seizure, stroke, or a cardiac arrest... All three could be deadly enough to kill Destiny that day in the cemetery that would explain how she suddenly died. But either of these things can't come out of just anywhere. 

"But I don't have any history of having any seizures," said Xiu.

Gigi nodded her head, "I'm aware of that, Ms. Bai. But as I said stress is more deadly than people give it credit for." Xiu's brows furrowed up. "It's highly likely that your mind experienced a sudden trauma that you couldn't emotionally cope with and your brain decided to lock that part of your memory away."

"I also believed that but you see, if it was just one traumatic incident I couldn't cope with than how come my 18 years' worth of memories vanished?" Xiu had thought about it repeatedly. Even if Bai Xiu had a sudden trauma or a situation she couldn't emotionally handle, only that memory should have been locked away. Why did Destiny's brain decide to shut off 18 years of her life?

Xiu licked her dry lips as she spoke again, "And let me add one more thing, lately, I've been seeing flashes of that memory. It's not complete but it's there."

Gigi parked the car at the side and turned around to look straight at Xiu as she said, "Ms. Bai, the human body is already complicated but our nervous system is the most complicating part of us. Even today, no one can claim to know our brain perfectly because that's not possible." She took a pause before adding, "But I can do tell you that our brain has a defense mechanism. That's how people often develop Dissociative Identity Disorder. Your brain's defense mechanism was to shut off the memories knowing that your body won't be able to cope with it. However, it can be said that your brain is restoring those memories in small snippets to save you from an information overload that can send you through another stroke."

Seeing how tensed Xiu looked, she tried to cheer her up saying, "I think you shouldn't be disheartened. But I'd advise you to not force it. As I already said, if you stressed anymore, it'll be dangerous for your health. You shouldn't risk it."

"I don't plan on risking anything as well. I'm not willing to put my life at stake for the second time." Xiu's voice was low but resolute. She had taken Gigi's advice to heart. As she leaned back in her seat, Gigi started the car again.