Imperfect Desires

"What did you say to my dad?"

Nora shook her head frantically in response to his question. 

"I didn't say anything..." she bit her lower lip before adding, "But I think he knows something."

Ah-Si rolled his eyes as he took a seat opposite her and muttered to himself, "Of course, he knows something. He's my all-knowing dad after all." After huffing at his own thoughts, he looked at Nora and said, "If you have something to say, speak up. I'm not gonna waste my time..."

"Shut up! Will you?" Ah-Si gaped at her while she went on, "I'm trying here to think. I just don't know where to begin."

"Fine..." he grumbled and picked up a toast.

He was concentrating on putting jam on his toast when he heard her voice again, "I grew up with my grandmother." Ah-Si's brows knitted up together. "She used to say that Cartwright women are cursed with no-love." His frown deepened. "She lost grandfather when my mom was born, my mom got divorced when I was born and my grandaunt's fiance died even before they could get married." She lifted her eyes to look at him as she continued, "I honestly believed in her words. I thought we were really cursed. Because whenever we get attached to something we'd lose it."

"Why are you telling me this?"

Nora didn't pay attention to his question. She knew if she stopped she won't be able to continue. "I never got a chance to believe in love until I met my best friend. Just like me, she didn't have a father. Just like me, coming to this foreign country was really disturbing and scary to her as well. Perhaps these were the reason we grew so close to each other. Whatever the reason was, I just know that she taught me the definition of love all over again."

"Do you know when I told her the same 'curse' of my family, she laughed at me saying, 'Everything is destined to be. Your grandmother lost her husband to another woman because she was trying to use a child to hold him back not knowing that people who want to leave will eventually leave. As for your mom, she and your father got divorced on mutual terms. Sometimes leaving is also a form of love. It allows you to escape a relationship that could become a cage for you later on. It doesn't mean love had been lost, it means that love is no longer enough.'" 

Nora still remembered those words that Destiny had used to comfort her back then. It was weird how they both were only a year apart but Destiny's mind seemed mature than her own. 

Thinking about her best friend, there was a small smile at the corner of her face which actually expressed her sadness for some reason. "When I first met you I honestly didn't think I'd fall in love with you so easily and so deeply." She was looking right into his eyes. "But I did. I did fall in love."

"Didn't you take too long to tell me that?" He was trying to sound as calm as he could but somehow he couldn't remove the bitterness from his voice.

Nora, however, nodded agreeably. "Last night, my best friend said that there is no such thing as extraordinary secret love. Love is only extraordinary when it's expressed. Keeping it in your heart as a secret only makes it a story you're too scared to tell." She took a sip of water to help herself breathe calmly. "That's why I decided to make everything clear with you."

"You're definitely not doing a good job at clearing anything," Ah-Si pointed out.

"I'm getting there," retorted Nora and lowered her head now. What she was about to say would definitely change his views about her. And she didn't have the courage to look into his eyes. "That night... We spent together..." Ah-Si's hands balled into fists tightly as he waited patiently for her to continue. "You might think that we were both drunk and that's what everything happened but it isn't true."

"Huh?"

"I could have sent you home with Dylan but I didn't. I could have checked in a room and left you there alone. But I didn't. Why? Because I had all the intention to take advantage of you."

"What?!" Ah-Si was stunned in his seat. For the past four years, he believed it was a drunken mistake. At least, it was for her. But then?

"Yes, you can call me anything you want. But you can't blame me for being selfish. I thought I'd be able to get over you after that just one night or it'd be enough for me but I was wrong. And worst of all, I thought you'd hate me in the morning that's why I said those words without even realizing it. And then I ran. I ran as far away as I could from you. I didn't want to lose you, not even as a friend and that's why I chose to hide."

"You could have at least let me say my part first before assuming!" shouted Ah-Si making Nora look up at his face.

"Didn't you just hear me? My childhood had been filled with stories that only made me believe that I'd end up losing the one I'd love. I was young and scared. I was really scared of losing you but I didn't realize that by hiding from you, I was only pushing you away from myself." She held the edge of the table so tightly that her knuckles were turning white now. "But it's not like I didn't try running after you. It was over a month later when I found out that I'm pregnant and the first person I wanted to talk to was you. So, I went to find you. Dylan told me you had a flight to New York and so, I went to the airport."

"You came to the airport?" asked Ah-Si in a softer tone.

"I did. But then I saw you with her..." Nora's whole mood turned sore as she was reminded of the sight when she saw him standing smiling at his fiance. She hated it. 

"But she was only there because she was also leaving to study in Paris. We just happened to be at the airport at the same time."

"Well, I didn't know that."

"You could have asked instead of leaving like that."

"Do you know how much stressed I had been for the whole month and then with the pregnancy and all, I wasn't in my right mind. My emotions were all over the place."

"And that's why you chose to walk away... With. My. Baby." he gritted those words out trying so hard to not say anything inappropriate. 

"Yes, that's what I did," answered Nora in defeat. "I couldn't even share any of this with my mother because I knew she'd be disappointed. Also, she had finally found a happy family of her own, and I didn't want to create any trouble for her. So, I chose to leave and went to my grandmother's place instead. She suggested to me that I should just abort the baby." Ah-Si's eyes widened but before he could say anything, she went on, "So, I went for the abortion."

Ah-Si stood up from her chair in shock. He didn't even realize that his hand hit a glass and had fallen on the floor. Neither did he notice that his whole body was shaking now. It was fear. Yes, it was a feeling of being scared. Of the possibility of not seeing his Ava ever. It shook his core. But he was so shocked that he couldn't even utter a word.

"You know very well that I was only twenty-one and because my grandmother knew how difficult it had been for her and my mom being a single mother, she didn't want me to go through the same as well. Even if I agreed on the abortion, I couldn't do it."

Ah-Si didn't know how she could say all of this with a straight face but it was soon that his eyes fell on her hand that was bleeding. She had dug her nails so deep into her palm that caused it to bleed badly. She was using physical pain to numb the emotions in her heart. But what was he supposed to feel?

"Don't think I felt pity for the child and that's why I chose not to abort because that's definitely not true." Ah-Si scowled at her words. "It was my greediness and selfishness that chose to play at the right time and I decided not to get an abortion."

"What do you mean?"

"In Asian countries, it's very easy to trap someone in a marriage with a child," said Nora with a sneer. "It's a pity but I also was one of those shameless people who wanted to use her baby to get you back. I knew you wouldn't leave if I brought our baby with me to you."

Ah-Si fell back in his chair and closed his eyes. There were too many things running through his mind and yet what came out through his mouth even shocked him, "Then why didn't you? Why didn't you bring our baby to get me back? Why did you choose to stay silent all this while?"

Tears that had been welling up in her eyes finally rolled down her cheeks. In a broken voice, she replied, "Karma is a real bitch. Because I had thought of using my baby, God punished me in the worst way possible." She wiped her face with the back of her hands as she went on, "It was last trimester when I fell down the stairs and lost the baby."