Imperfect Desires

[Under the clear blue sky, trees were swaying lazily with the warm breeze. The sun looked to be celebrating something with its beautiful blazing yellow, free and bright spirit.

Through the french doors, a pair of black eyes kept observing the lazy waves of the ocean. The wave after wave coming to caress the shore in a loving manner. But even that beautiful sight of the tranquil and serene beach evoked no emotions within those impassable eyes.

"Ms. Chen, shall we begin?" The elegant yet professional voice broke Xiu's reverie as she turned to face the lady before her who sat with her legs crossed over one another in a straight posture.

Xiu leaned back on the comfortable couch as she said emotionlessly, "I can't do this anymore, Dr. Xi." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes saying, "I feel so numb."

Dr. Xi picked up her notepad and pen. "Ms. Chen, let's talk through this. How did your day start?" Her polite and professional voice was soothing but Xiu knew it won't last for long.

"It started with my non-existent will to carry this burden of my body. It felt pointless." Xiu replied heavily.

"And why do you think it's pointless?" Dr. Xi asked again.

"Isn't it pointless?" Xiu asked her in return. "It's not like anybody is gonna appreciate my effort." Her hopeless voice made Dr. Xi purse her lips.

"Ms. Chen, I asked you to stop looking through social sites. Are you following that?"

"I don't see how this can help me get better," Xiu replied blandly.

"If you'll stay away from the negativity only then can you get rid of the negativity that's embedding its seeds in your mind." Dr. Xi's words were reasonable but Xiu didn't feel like it as she sniggered in self-mockery.

"You think that can help me?" Xiu's eyes held scorn in them as she added, "Do you know how I spent my night?" Dr. Xi stayed silent letting Xiu speak her mind. "I received a parcel with a dead cat. Each of its limbs was cut brutally. I was all alone in my apartment. I screamed, cried, yelled... But do you know what happened?" She was scratching the back of her hand with her nails so harshly that it started bleeding. "No one came to help. Not a single person. I spent my night curled up in a corner all alone."

Dr. Xi saw the tears brimming in her eyes but her resolve to hold them in was also visible. The girl before her was broken. From the moment, she became her psychiatrist she knew Xiu was crumbling inside.

"Ms. Chen, speak your mind. Don't hold back anything. Not even your tears. Because I know that's not what you want to talk about."

Xiu looked at her doctor and felt like she had become an open book. And yet someone was asking her to read her own soul out loud.

"Dr. Xi, do you know why it's hurting so much?" Xiu again moved her eyes away from the woman who looked to be in her early thirties. "It hurts badly because of how much I loved him. I've never really loved anything in my life, not even my status as much as I loved him. But now, that love is fading away right before my eyes and I know it's ending. But with its end, I've also come to a realization."

"What did you realize?"

"The fact that I have lost my own self while loving him. I gave up so big of a part of myself that without him, I feel like there is nothing left. Not even my own existence. I poured my heart and soul into this and that's why it feels like my heart has broken into million little pieces and each piece is hurting like hell inside."

Dr. Xi kept her professional stance but looking at the beautiful girl she felt like she was looking at a doll; lifeless and listless. She could see the overwhelming desire of fading away in Xiu's face and it was scaring her.

"Ms. Chen, sometimes we have to lose to learn how to win again..."

Xiu interrupted her mid-sentence as she said, "Doc, we encounter some defeats in life after which there is no desire of winning left within us. I honestly don't want to stand back up. It seems to be a tiring thing and I'm too tired and lazy to bother about it."

"How can you give up so easily?"

Xiu couldn't help but scoff at her words as she said, "Do you think I'm giving up easily?" She smiled bitterly as she added, "Let me introduce you to myself again. Hi, I'm Chen Xiu. People call me Goddess Xiu. But do you know who I really am? I'm the girl who studied how to cook, so I can cook his favorite dishes. I couldn't stand being apart from him, so in every break during the shoot, I called him to remind him that I exist. I always saved up and planned everything for his sake. My morning started with his thoughts and ended with only him in my eyes."

Her tears had finally broken through and flooded over her face as they fell like a stream of water.

Dr. Xi passed her the box of tissue and with a gentle gaze she asked, "Do you know how you ended up here?" Xiu hiccuped and shook her head. "Instead of finding your happy present, you kept chasing a happy ending with someone who wasn't even written in your fairytale."]

Xiu's eyes opened with an erratic heartbeat drumming throughout her body. She touched her face to find it stained with tears. She looked at the familiar bedroom and sighed.

'The past of Chen Xiu is still haunting me as Bai Xiu.' She mused to herself before pushing herself out of the bed and opened the curtains to let the sunlight stream inside.

These dreams were a common occurrence to her and she was quite used to them now. But if it was in her own abilities, she'd rather probe into Bai Xiu's memories than her own. As she was brushing her teeth, her heart hurt looking at her own reflection.

Not because of the girl she was today. But rather for the girl, she was five years ago. That girl who begged and groveled for someone to stay by her side. Anyone. But no one stayed beside her. She used to wonder why she wasn't good enough but not again. She didn't want to lose herself in the endless cycle of self-torture all over again.

After her morning routine, she came out of the bedroom and found Nora all dressed up.

"What's the hurry?" Xiu asked since she knew Nora would never get ready so early for her job.

"I have to deal with some foreign guests. Also, you remember it's Friday." Nora reminded her with a toast in her hand.

"I do. I'll finish my work on time. You better not be late."

Nora came to give her a small hug and said, "I won't be late. Wait for me." Saying that she ran out the door in a hurry.

Xiu ran after her and shouted, "Nora, stop!"

"Huh? What's wrong? I'm getting late." Nora tapped her shoe impatiently. Xiu pointed towards her feet and Nora followed her sight and groaned in annoyance. "Urgh! Why am I wearing two different heels?"

Xiu muffled her laughter saying, "Maybe it's your new fashion."

"Haha... Very funny." Nora gave a dry laugh while changing out of the oddly mismatched heels.

Xiu watched her running and shook her head at this girl. She was really forgetful whenever she was in a hurry.