Imperfect Desires

Not everyone desires a passionate kind of relationship. Some people crave for those innocent parts of a relationship. For instance, holding hands, forehead kisses and being able to tell how much you adore a person. 

Xiu was one of those people who craved those very simple but adorable things in a relationship. That was one of the reasons why she loved spending time with Darren. He was always attentive around her and she had come to realize how much she loved it whenever he kissed her forehead so naturally as a goodbye.

"Nora," Xiu suddenly called out and Nora hummed in reply with her attention on the road. "Why are you so scared of serious relationships? Are you afraid of love or people?"

Nora looked at Xiu through her peripheral vision before saying, "Loving someone for a lifetime sounds amazing but..." she hesitated before continuing, "It's equally scary as well."

"Scary? How so?"

"Baby Xiu, it's scary when you realize that people tend to run out of love," said Nora with a sense of loss palpable in her voice.

"I don't agree with that," replied Xiu without even taking a moment to think. "First of all, people don't run out of love, we run out of patience. Second of all, love is all about fear. If the idea of losing someone doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you're definitely not in love."

Nora parked the car in the parking lot and said,

"You sound different, does it have anything to do with this?" Nora passed her cellphone to Xiu where a video was playing. Xiu opened her mouth as she snatched the phone from her hand and stared at the scene playing out from earlier when she was too lost in kissing Darren that she didn't even notice that her best friend was actually lurking around.

"How could you do this?" Xiu exclaimed. "This is against my privacy rights."

Nora unfastened her seatbelt and shrugged her shoulders saying, "It can't be considered private when you're both getting hot and heavy in a public parking lot."

Xiu slapped her shoulder and shouted, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Nora had a thoughtful look on her face as she said, "I think I already am. 24/7."

Xiu rolled her eyes at Nora's response before alighting down from the car. 

"On a serious note though, don't you want to be madly in love?" Xiu couldn't help but ask.

"Madly in love?" Nora pressed the elevator button and said, "I think I'm already mad enough. So, it feels like I'm halfway there. It can be considered progress, right?"

"You're impossible," grumbled Xiu, stepping inside the elevator. "I don't know about you but I feel like you want more. As in, you deserve more than you're giving yourself a chance."

Nora stayed quiet until the elevator opened with a ding on their floor. Tonight when she met Dylan, she was reminded of the time when she madly in love as well. It perturbed her since she had been burying those feelings for so long now. Tonight, she had questioned herself again. Why did she choose to walk away? What could have happened if she had mustered up a bit of courage to confess her feelings?

"Xiu, have you ever thought what could your life be like if at a certain point in your life, you had chosen to take a different decision? I mean do you think your whole life could have been different now?"

Nora's words unconsciously reminded Xiu of the time when she stood at her balcony all alone as Chen Xiu. If she had not chosen to jump down that night, what would have her life been like? That was the biggest question mark of her life.

"Nora, do you remember once you asked me where I see myself in five years?" Xiu asked her own question in response.

With a frown, Nora nodded and said, "Yes, and you replied to me that you're barely holding yourself till the weekend. The five-year plan is too much of a hassle for you since you're trying to live each day to the fullest. And that's more than enough for you."

Xiu smiled when she heard Nora quoting her word by word. "If you ask me again, my answer is still the same. When I wasn't thinking about the regrets of the past and mysteries of the future, I was busy trying to live in the present. I don't know what changes that one decision could have brought in my life but I do know that now when I look back, I'm proud of myself." Nora quirked her brows in surprise as they stood before their apartment door and Xiu added, "Because now when I look back I realize how many silent battles I have won. How bad of a decision it could possibly be if it taught me how to wipe my own tears and pat my own back?"

Xiu's words touched Nora and made that uncomfortable feeling inside of her dissipate. Nora hugged Xiu tightly as she said, "Xiu, thank you!"

"For what?" Xiu asked in a perplexed manner.

"Thanks for being you," replied Nora while patting Xiu's head. Then she turned around to unlock the door and they both entered the apartment.

"Oh, honey! I'm home!" Xiu exclaimed loudly making Nora almost jump.

"Xiu, you idiot! Who's your honey? You're not even married yet?"

Xiu stuck her tongue at Nora and said, "But don't you know, I'm having an affair with my bed."

Nora feigned a gasp and said, "Oh my! Are you cheating on Darren?"

Xiu flipped her hair back and said, "Well, he can join my rendezvous if he wants to." She added a wink at the end making Nora's mouth open wide in real shock this time.

As Nora already knew, Xiu's best relationship had always been with her bed. Because according to Xiu, she'd forget all the worries as soon as she laid down on her bed. After all, you can either be sad or asleep and Xiu preferred to sleep. Sadness just tires her out.

But on this night when she laid down on her bed, her mind had wandered off to Darren. The way he talked, the way he smiled, the way he made her feel excited and flustered at the same time. His words, his actions, every single thing about him were running through her mind. With only his thought in mind, Xiu finally fell asleep.